There's only one week until the The Secret Life of the American Teenager’s Season 5 summer finale, and frankly, we don't know if we'll make it. How are we supposed to live without Ricky's words of wisdom? Not to mention the fact that we might accidentally stumble onto a "campus pimp" and get arrested for prostitution. This week, we learned all kinds of life lessons, so sit back and enjoy!
Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do
Give a warm welcome to Anne Juergens and her massive bangs! This lady is back — wait, where was she again? — and she's in the thick of planning Amy and Ricky's wedding. The problem? George wants to bring Kathleen, which is putting major pressure on Anne to find a lady-date — especially when her geriatric mother puts out a personal ad on the interwebs.
Thanks to Mimzi, Anne comes home to what she thinks is a giant tribe of lesbians waiting in her living room, but it turns out it's just Nora's AA meeting — one of whom is a lesbian. We know, it’s confusing, but it looks like Anne has a hot date to the wedding. Crisis averted!
In other parental news, George and Kathleen still haven't done the deed even though they're a billion years old, have a mutual fetish for socks, and have already been married. Luckily, our sexual frustration has oozed through the screen, and George finally convinces Kathleen to let him spend the night in her love shack. With any luck, they'll round second base.
Meanwhile, Amy's spunky protégé, Kathy, is still eye-sexing up a storm with Ethan, but there's trouble in paradise. The couple adopting Kathy's baby is concerned that Ethan will negatively influence her — you know, because he's a juvenile delinquent/pervert — so they encourage her to break it off before things get too serious. Sadly, Ethan is head-over-handcuffs in love with Kathy, and his poor juvie heart is destroyed.
Kathy is majorly depressed about her love life, so she wanders over to Leo Boykewich and spills her guts for no apparent reason. Look, we know Leo is an all-knowing omniscient sage, but does anyone else think it's a little weird that Kathy is dishing her boy probs to him? It must be the tan — that shade of orange is a proverbial siren call.
So, do Kathy and Ethan get back together? Not so much. Kathy's evil friends try to steal Ethan for themselves, and to make matters worse, Ethan calls up Kathy and tells her that having a baby will "wreck her insides." Seriously, someone get these kids into a sex ed class.
Going to the Chapel of Love!
Time to check in on Benny From the Block! The good news is that he's managed to go an entire episode with impregnating anyone, lighting a school on fire, or getting punched by an old lady. The bad news is that he's still in love with Amy Juergens (sorry, Dylan.) In fact, he wants to go to college with her! Oh, and speaking of college, Ben's been accepted into Hudson University in New York, an imaginary school which doesn't seem to care if their students are twice-divorced pot-heads with addictions to plush toys.
You know who else got into "The Hudson School?" None other than Amy Juergens, which Ricky finds out about when he opens her mail. Poor dude flies into a studly panic at the prospect of his fake-wifey moving to The Big Apple, so he heads over to community college to get advice from Clementine. Instead, Ricky runs into Adrian, who runs into Clementine, who runs into Jack. Basically, everyone is running into each other, the campus is filled with hookers, and the only thing we're certain of is that Ricky and Amy's love is pure. Yep, she's choosing her teenage marriage over her potential future in NYC! Thank the Secret Life gods.
And if you're worried about Adrian, don't be. This gal decides to protect herself from roving pimps by letting Omar move into her condo, but she gets a reality check when Omar says he wants to get engaged first. Dude. Adrian's a freshman in college. Control yourself.
In other news, Leo and Camille are eloping, to which we say All Hail The Sausage Queen! Hope you love yourself questionable meat wrapped in casings, girl, because you're in for a world of pork links.
Leo wants to keep the wedding on the quiet, so just Ben, Bunny, Nora, Henry, and Alice witness the happy couple exchange vows. This gives Alice and Henry the perfect opportunity to get their freak on with their minds, and shockingly, Ben manages to make it through the whole ceremony without getting punched in the face. Yep, the wedding is a total success! Well, except for the fact that Leo and Camille are adopting a little girl. Watch your back, Ben — there's a new heir to the sausage throne!
Oh em gee, stop everything. Jack "Hooker Hero" Pappas is famous. We're so proud of our boy, but unfortunately Grace is less than pleased with his rise to fame — especially when Jack dishes about their sex life (or lack thereof) to the local news. To make matters worse, Grace's ex boyfriend, Grant, catches the interview and gives his little Cookie Monster a lecture about how she's a huge failure. You know what, Grant? Whip your Bieber bangs back and forth and go back to gynecology school where you belong.
Let's just hope Grace forgives Jack for calling her out on TV, because boyfriend goes home to his dorm only to get attacked with a baseball bat by the local pimp, and we're not sure he's going to make it out alive! Does anyone else think it's time for the Community College to upgrade their security system? Anyone?
Sigh, we knew this day would come, but we always assumed Jack's football would kill him in a jealous rage.
What did you think of this episode, Secret Lifers? Are you excited for next week’s finale? Weigh in below!
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