It's time to pour some out for our fallen homie. And when we say "some" we mean non-alcoholic beer — after all, don't want Ben to have a relapse. Unfortunately, one of our meat lovin' friends seems to be 50 shades of dead, and we have lost all faith in humanity. Basically, the only thing keeping us going is the reserve pile of sausage links we keep in our basement.
Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun
You guys, we're officially on red-hot stud alert. The Rickster is having second thoughts about his fake marriage to Amy, and his inner bachelor (we call him "The Fonz") is desperate to break free. Ricky's stressed because Amy got into school in The Big Apple, and now he's convinced that his baby mama's going to make sweet love to her ex-hubby while she's there.
Meanwhile, Amy confronts Ricky about spending time with Clementine, which leads to a huge fight about college, life, and feelings. Turns out Amy wants to move her wedding to Ricky up a few months — especially when she finds out that Ben knows the truth about their fake nuptials!
So, how does Ben know Amy's big secret? Oh, you know because he's been stalking her on the interwebs, no big deal. Ben is completely in love with Amy, and now that Dylan's out of the picture at an all-girl's school, he's determined to explore what lies beneath Amy's skinny jeans.
In other news, Anne decides to get herself a lady lover named Willowdene (um, that is not a name), which is all kinds of awkward considering that Willowdene happens to be Nora's AA sponsor. Nora's worried that Willow will suck-face with Anne only to reject her, but we have a feeling something more is going on here. Could Nora be suffering from an acute case of jellyitus?
Time to check in on everyone's favorite underaged couple! Ethan wants to win Kathy back in the wake of that comment he made about her lady parts exploding, so he gets in touch with his feminine side and watches some birthing videos on YouTube. Despite Ethan's efforts, Kathy still just wants to be friends — especially when Ethan announces that he wants to be in the hospital for the birth (aka The Emancipation of Mimi, which is our new name for Kathy's unborn child.)
Sadly, Kathy wants to move back home to her family asap, but first she has to pop out the fruit of her looms. Homegirl heads to the hospital to meet with the family adopting her baby, but is it just us or does she seem depressed? We have a feeling Kathy misses Secret Life's resident pervert (aka Ethan), who magically pops up and takes his sweetheart on a romantic wheelchair ride! That's right, these two are officially back together! Awwww.
By the way, remember that 15-year-old prostitute that Jack saved from a life of community college kicks? Well, turns out Leo and Camille are adopting her. Sigh, it's only a matter of time until Ben wanders home and develops a sinister crush on this poor gal, committing step-siblingcest in the process. No good can come of this.
In case you've forgotten, Jack's been beaten up by a roving community college pimp, and now he might die. We know, we know — so many tears, and don't even get us started on how sad his football is right now. As you might expect, everyone is freaking out about Jack's pimp wounds, so the whole crew rush to the hospital to be there when Jack wakes up from surgery. That's right,surgery. Sob!
Ricky is all aflutter about Jack's accident, and life's fleeting nature has caused him to second guess his relationship with Amy. Poor Ricky has no choice but to confide in George "Meat Scrap Lover" Juergens while they're waiting at the hospital, and he reveals his biggest fear: That Amy doesn't love him any more. Oh, and then he tells Ben to back his ridiculous hair coif out of his wifey's business. Sigh, so many emotions, so few sausages to drown them in.
In other WTF news, George runs into Anne's ex boyfriend, David (you know, from ye olden days when she was straight?), and they have a completely random conversation about absolutely nothing. You've done it again, Secret Life. We are officially confused.
Meanwhile, Omar and Adrian are so inspired by Jack's near death experience that they decide to put a ring on it … in permanent marker. The moment is almost as beautiful as the lone tear that rolls down Adrian's cheek as Omar declares his undying love. By the way, poor Grace is spiraling down into a world of sad face emoticons, and she's filled with regret over the fact that her last convo with Jack was snarky. In fact, we're pretty sure she hung up on the poor dude because he had the audacity to save a teenage hooker.
So, is Jack dead? All we know is that everyone is crying and his parents want to pray, which can't be a good sign. The silver lining? Betty knows the pimp that killed Jack, and Grace's brother is determined to get revenge. You're going to rue the day you were born, Community College Pimp!
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