Have you guys noticed that the folks on Secret Life are super smart? First, Ricky blew our minds when he was crowned valedictorian, then Adrian got into college (LOL), and now Jack has revealed that he's a fan of Dr. Zhivago. We're starting to think our pregnant friends and their virile baby-daddies are geniuses, and it's all thanks to another brilliant episode of Secret Life.
A new era is upon us, Secret Lifers. Gone are the days when Sticky Ricky would impregnate ladies with a mere flash of his abs –– dude is in college now, where the girls actually use birth control and everyone wears skinny jeans.
The Rickster is moving on up, and while we couldn't be more proud, Amy is feeling left behind. This poor gal is overcome with jealousy about Ricky's life at community college, and she's suspicious that he's makin' babies with other ladies. In fact, she's taken to trolling the butcher shop in fear that Ricky's sausage is on the prowl.
Amy needs a change of pace, so she decides to spend an evening with her gal pals (we know, we know –– what gal pals?) and heads to Grace's house for a bonding session with her and Adrian. Not really sure what these three have to talk about other than the fact that they've all seen what lies beneath Ricky's boxer briefs, but Grace and Adrian want to be biffles with Amy. These gals spend their evening talking about sex, and it turns out that Adrian is worried that Ricky’s cheating on Amy. Pssh, as if. The only person Ricky's sleeping with is that pile of meat scraps from last season.
Meanwhile, Amy is having one of her usual life crises, so who does she turn to? George Juergens, who gives her some sage advice about whether or not she's boring in bed. You know, just a typical father-daughter chat. George assures Amy that she's great at doing the deed — What. Is. Happening? — and compares her sex life with Ricky to "having chicken pot pie on Wednesdays." Considering that George is obsessed with meat, we take this as a good sign.
Also, George and Amy have an amazing conversation about gay rights. Bravo, Secret Life. Bravo!
Wherefore Art Thou, Benny?
Does anyone know where Ben's Teddy Bear is? Because at this point we're thinking he's the only person (read: inanimate object) who can get Benny out of this downward spiral. Sure, Ben is no longer going to jail –– but he did just get punched in the face by an old lady. In other words, it's not looking good.
To make matters worse, Dylan tells Ben that Henry smooched her over a romantic game of mahjong, which causes Benny to fly into a jealous rage. Turns out Dylan is nursing a little crush on Henry, and now she wants to trade up. Sigh! In other news, Ethan wants Ben to "be his mentor" — presumably to learn the art of being a twice-divorced drunken pyromaniac — which prompts Benny to deliver a Shakespearean rant in the hallway about how life isn't worth living. To quote: "Your life is over. It's done."
Leo is obviously worried about the heir to his sausage throne, so he heads over to Grant High to real-talk with Katelyn about how much Ben sucks. Turns out Leo thinks Ben's "obsession" with Amy is the source of all his problems duh, where have you been? — and now he's determined to help his kiddo get over the Juergens hump.
When Ben gets home from school, Leo gives him an emotional apology for not being supportive, but Ben is too stressed about Dylan and Henry's burning loins to care. The Sausage King deserves better, Benjamin.
Baby Daddy Drama
Ethan is falling harder and harder for Kathy, and it looks like they're officially BF/GF status! Unfortunately, these two can't go on a “real” date, so Kathy invites Ethan to meet the couple adopting her baber! Unfortunately, Ethan oversteps his boundaries and tries to convince his foster mom to adopt the kiddo so he can play Papa Bear. Wow, Ethan. We appreciate your paternal side, but it was just a few weeks ago that you were a total perv.
In other news, Grace has decided that she's a sexpert because she's done it with four guys –– which prompts Kathleen to give her some awkward advice about "technique" and "feelings." Not sure what to make of this, but the good news is that Grace and Jack are still together, despite his affair with Clementine.
Speaking of our girl Clem, she shows up at Jack's dorm room — wearing a poncho, by the way — to ask Jack why he dropped the L-word, only to reject her. Woah there, Jack Attack — we thought you were in a monogamous relationship with your football. Either way, Clementine is pissed, so Jack pulls out the big guns and references Dr. Zhivago for no explicable reason. Mind blowing, everyone. Mind blowing.
By the way, Ricky is so not going to cheat on Amy –– in fact, he spirals into a fake fit of jealousy to make her feel more secure! She even decides to come clean about her real reasons for getting married, and admits that she tied to knot to avoid "turning gay." Yikes! Girlfriend needs to educate herself. Being gay is not genetic, Amy!
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