Credit: ABC Family

Are you ready for your weekly journey to the sausagey WTF-fest that is The Secret Life of the American Teenager? So are we, which is why we're currently surrounded by bacon and meat scraps, George Juergens style.

This week, our contraceptive-confuzzled friends and their love children brought their A-game, and let's just say things are getting real. Mostly because pimps have taken over Ricky's school.

Baby Mama Drama

Sob, Ricky and Amy have been through so much. Remember when they did the dirty next to a giant tuba? Those were good times. We thought these two would live happily ever after 'til death do them part, but it looks like there's some major trouble in Butcher Shop paradise.

Not only are Amy and Ricky lying their panties off about their fake-marriage, but Ricky's also frazzled about how he's a glorified house hubby and stressed about his homework. Will these two make it through their rough patch, or will Amy's insecurity be the ruin of their relationship?

In other news, Ethan and Kathy are getting closer than ever, and she even invites him to meet the couple adopting her baby! The problem? Ethan gets all Papa Bear up in everyone's business and oversteps his boundaries when it comes to the bun in his girlfriend's oven.

Apparently, this dude wants to raise Kathy's kiddo (LOL, no), and in the words of Ricky: "Back the freak off." Once again, Ethan: You are a 15-year-old former pervert with a criminal record. Check yo'self before you wreck yo’self!

As you might expect, Kathy breaks up with her man for being disrespectful, which inspires him to give us a lecture about how he's "street smart" and has a "sixth sense." Luckily, Martha teaches Ethan all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T and forbids him from dating Kathy — but there's no stopping a man in love!

As soon as Kathy forgives Ethan (and his recently stabbed calf) they start dating again, and we have a feeling Martha will be mighty peeved. Ruh roh!

Credit: ABC Family Photo: Jack Meets a Stranger in Season 5, Episode 9: “Property Not for Sale”

50 Shades of Spices

Guess what? A campus pimp is trying to hire Adrian as a hooker. Yes, you read that right — there are pimps at community college, but instead of giant hats and canes, they rock leather jackets. What. Is. Happening?!

Luckily, Clementine gets Adrian's potential pimp arrested by the campus po-po, but poor Adrian needs a shoulder to cry on. She heads over to Omar's house for an inspiring lecture about drugs, alcohol, and the dangers of prostitution, and he even asks her to move in with him! Aww, this guy.

Of course, once Ricky finds out about the roving pimp population, he gets all protective and walks Clementine home — much to Amy's distress. It's just like girl. Let the man protect us women from a Pretty Woman-style life of PG-13 prostitution, jeez!

In other completely hilarious news, Grace's brother, Tom, is reading the erotic fantasy series 50 Spices, which we assume is ABC Family's answer to 50 Shades of Grey, only — umm — spicier? Life lesson alert: According to Kathleen, these "kinds of book" are disrespectful to women. It’s Gender Studies all over again, gang!

Credit: ABC Family Photo: Jack and Grace Kiss in Season 5, Episode 9: “Property Not for Sale”

Pretty Woman

So, what's up with our favorite couple, Grace and Jack? Well, Grace is still a reclaimed virgin and Jack is still a sex-addict, and they've been dry-humping all over the Bowman household for days now.

Poor Jack is more than a little sexually frustrated — he's been having a passionate affair with his football for months, and now this? — so it's no wonder that the poor dear turns to one of Community College's resident 16-year-old hookers.

Kidding! Jack actually saves this lady from a life of crime and violence by forking over a few benjamins, and a local newspaper paints him as a hero after campus security busts in and catches him in the act. So, to recap: Jack just pity-purchased his first prostitute. This is happening. This is actually happening.

So what about our boy Benny? Our favorite sausage royal wanders over to Dylan's house for one of his daily creeping sessions, only to have Henry rat him out for sleeping with Alice. Great, now Ben isn't going to have anyone to marry this year. Sigh, right guys?

The silver lining? Leo gives Ben a lecture on women's right, objectifying ladies, and "the glass ceiling.” Amen to that, Sausage King — good to know you have our backs! Also, it looks like Ben is finally ready to move on from Amy to wholeheartedly pursue Dylan. Sheesh, it only took him five years.

What did you think of “Property Not for Sale,” Secret Lifers? Weigh in below!

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