Secret Life took a short hiatus for July 4, and we're experiencing all kinds of horrifying withdrawal symptoms as a result. Let's just say we spent the week slathering bacon grease in our hair and binge eating breakfast sausage.
Luckily, our favorite show and its professional sperminators are back and better than ever, and this week is even more dramatic than usual. Mostly because Ben might go to jail for arson. No biggie, just another #teenproblem.
Buona Sera, Senorita!
In case you'd forgotten, Ricky and Amy are lying about being married for no explicable reason. Of course, they could just tell everyone the truth, but what fun would that be? You see, Madison and Lauren want to throw Ramy a wedding reception to celebrate good times (c'mon!), but Ricky and his hair coif are having doubts. Dude just wants to do the right thing, but Amy's worried that everyone will be disappointed if they tell the truth. Sigh, so many feelings and emotions, someone pass these two a couple Moleskines journals!
So, what does Ashley think of Ricky and Amy's nuptials? We have absolutely no idea, because she's once again escaped from the mysterious town Secret Life is located in (with her grandma's $10,000, to boot!) and flown off to Italy without telling anyone. Look, girl, we know you hate your life and fear getting pregnant through immaculate conception, but at least say goodbye to Toby. We've never seen a nerdy hipster ugly-cry so hard. Thank goodness he has George Juergens to lean on!
Speaking of George, we're worried about this papa bear's his mental health. He's totally flipping his weave over Ashley's vaycay, so thank goodness girlfriend can count on Anne, who couldn't care less that her daughter has flown halfway across the world to shack up with an Italian farmhand. You see, Anne has more important things on her mind — like Ricky and Amy's reception!
Anne and her massive bangs wants nothing more than to throw her kiddo a fab wedding, so she heads down to the meat shop and grills Ricky about having a ceremony. After fondling some raw meat and flashing his dimples, Ricky finally agrees to attend a reception in Anne's backyard — and get this! The big day will do down on Secret Life's favorite "gay holiday," The Fourth of July!
Too bad everyone else in town is also throwing the happy couple a party … awkward!
Burning Down the House
Time to check in on our boy Ben, who is currently being tried for arson. You know, the usual. We're used to Benny ruining lives one wedding proposal at a time, but it looks like he better lawyer up, and who better than Haylie Duff to represent him?
Thank god Ben has Lizzy McGuire's sexy sister to lean on, because he's a hot mess. Poor dude can't even remember if he lit the Bunsen burner that turned Dylan's school into a fiery hell, so he decides he should probably confesses his guilt to the police and turn himself in. Because lying to the po-po is always a smart thing to do. Oh, Ben. You have eaten one too many rancid sausage links.
In other news, Leo is up to his usual binge drinking (more scotch, please!), when Ben comes home and practically gives him a heart attack thanks to his foolish confession. This is what happens when you leave your son unsupervised, Leo.
Friday Night Frights
Jack spends most of this episode being hit in the head by footballs while wearing tights, and all we can say is this: Yes, please! Unfortunately, Grace and her pink sweater show up to rain on his studly parade, and they engage in a serious convo all about Christianity. We basically had no idea what was going on (distracted by Jack's jock strap, obvs), but we're pretty sure Grace wants Jack to go to church to improve his "public image," and Jack would much rather make sweet love to his football.
After getting her witness on with Jack, Grace heads to Adrian's college campus to announce that Jesus is her homeboy, and accidentally spills, like, a million secrets. Word-vom, guys. It inflicts one-in-five perky cheerleaders every day.
Adrian's horrified when Grace reveals that Omar might get fired for being a pervert (thanks, Ben) so she heads to school to try to convince her ex-BF to go to church with her. You know, because apparently people like you more if you're Christian. Obviously, Omar eye-rolls himself silly, so Adrian books it to her dad's office, where she runs into Ben "Future Convict" Boykewich.
We'll wrap this up with the best part of the episode: Adrian shoving her face full of burrito in a state of WTF horror and confusion. Yep, that pretty much sums it up, girl!