Who was completely traumatized by Monday night’s premiere eppy? Our Secret Life friends are totes infested with STDs! Sigh, what did we expect from all that spit swapping? But it certainly makes for some dramatic shifts in our power rankings.
Here’s how this bidnezz is going down: We’ll list each character’s gains (+) and losses (–) per eppy (get it? + and – like a pregnancy test?!) No. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Let’s do it!
Previous Ranking: 1
(+) Even though he’s on the bottom (though unfortunately not in the way he wants to be), Ricky has a few good things going for him. He has a luvin’ baby mama who’s ready to consummate it, a cute toddler who never says one word (actually, we’re kinda worried about that kid) and his mom’s out of jail!
(–) Ricky’s been sex deprived for three months. Sex is like his nourishment: without it, he’s just a lonely hot boy with no purpose. Plus, he literally has no idea how STD testing works. In fact we think he might not even know what STDs are. But there’s no way he won’t end up with at least a couple communicable diseases. If Ricky gets off with a nasty case of the clap, consider him lucky.
Previous Ranking: 6
(+) It’s hard to think of something positive in this hunk’s life. He’s a good football player? He’s really hot? (Or he was before we found out about his infection.)
(–) Jack got dumped by his gf for an older divorcee and he’s clearly still in love with Grace. Oh, and he had a gross STD that he never told us about. FAIL.
Previous Ranking: 2
(+) Grace had a summer of PG-13 luvin’ with her doctor boyfriend and now she’s back at school with all kinds of medical skillz. She probs even learned how to deliver a baby, which could come in quite handy.
(–) Grace just found out that she might be carrying a mystery STD because of Jack, and Grant is so grossed out. Nothing’s sexier than finding out the girl your about to sleep with might “have something,” right? Grace needs to get over herself and get tested before she infects Grant with her you know where.
Previous Ranking: 5
(+) Ash’s finally getting the hell out of that high school/baby factory! This gal is taking matters into her own hands, homeschooling herself (is that even allowed?) and leaving the dramz behind. We hope she doesn’t sit around in sweats all day, ‘cause did we mention she’s looking super stylish lately?
(–) She’s stuck in a house watching her older sister feel up the man of her dreams. Awkward!
Previous Ranking: 4
(+) She’s dating the hottest guy in school/the world
(–) She can’t even have sex with him because he probs has an STD.
Previous Ranking: 7
(+) Ben’s come up from last season’s ranking, which is less to do with his own improvement and more to do with how much everyone around him has crashed and burned. But, all in all things are looking up for this man-child: He’s got cashola to burn, a solid job, and a hot baby mama!
(–) He’s a huge baby and his hair is a borderline fashion crime.
Previous Ranking: 3
(+) Adrian’s on top of the world! She’s luvin’ her big preggo belly, eating healthy, and just found out she’s gonna have the cutest baby girl ever (seriously her genes + Ben’s = one adorbz kiddo). Adrian has embraced teen pregnancy with open arms, and she’s being super responsible, to boot!
(–) She has Ben as a boyfriend. Ugh. In between his whining and vomiting, she’s getting plenty of practice being a mom.