Sigh. All we want for Valentine’s Day is for Cupid to give us another episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager, but tragically our favorite show doesn’t return until March.
If you’re desperate for a whiff of Ricky’s hair coif, you’ve come to the right place! We got our hands on a special V-Day episode for you to enjoy — and yes, eggos get preggo’d.
Scene 1: Ricky’s Bedroom Closet
Jazzy yet sentimental piano notes set the scene as Ricky paces his apartment holding a giant box of condoms. He rushes into his bedroom closet and opens a trap door. A heart-shaped box of hair gel appears.
Ricky: Hello, my sweet precious. (Proceeds to massage his coif)
Baby John wanders in and side-eyes Ricky.
Ricky: DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.
Scene Two: Jack’s Backyard
Jake (looks at the sky tearfully): It’s all just so beautiful.
Grace: Thanks, I straightened my hair just for you.
Jack: Do you ever wonder what keeps us from floating off into space?
Grace: I’m pregnant and it’s immaculate.
Grace (in a deep voice): C is for cookie and cookie is for me! (steals plate of cookies and scampers off)
Scene Three: The Butcher Shop
Ben and his teddy bear wear matching aprons and wait eagerly behind the counter at the sausage shop. A six-pack of beer lies empty on the ground.
Ben: It’s Valentine’s Day today, Teddy Bear.
Ben: I need to declare my love for Amy in the only way I know how.
(Enter Amy, holding Baby John.)
Amy: Ben! What are you doing here?
Ben: Don’t say anything, just take this gift.
(He hands her a giant poster, with “Will You Marry Me (Again)” written in macaroni and sausage links.)
Scene Four: Adrian’s Apartment
Adrian sits alone in a room wearing her favorite pink jumpsuit and blasting Adele. She’s completely isolated, save a stained, greasy body pillow.
Adrian: I continue to be stronger and crazier.
(Looks around room. Punches hole in the wall. Crams a churro in her mouth. Hugs body pillow.)
Scene Five: Ricky’s Apartment
Ricky sits on the floor of his closet greedily rubbing his hair coif with gel. Enter Amy, who looks shocked and dismayed.
Amy: Ben just asked me to marry him.
Ricky: Get out.
Amy: Please, Ricky! Don’t be mad, I said no!
Ricky: Do I need to tell you a bedtime story about my tragic childhood? Because I will.
Amy: Don’t do this Ricky, don’t push me away on Valentine’s Day!!
Ricky: Do I need to re-create my graduation speech? Because I will.
Amy: Please, Ricky! Please!
Ricky: Don’t make me impregnate you with my gaze. Because I will.