Credit: Randy Holmes/ABC Family Channel (c) 2011 Disney ABC Television Group Photo: Grace and Adrian Match in Episode 3.15, "Who Do You Trust"

Last night’s premiere of Secret Life was all about STDs, so it’s no wonder that most of our fave doozies are from peeps who are really confused about what terrifying diseases they may or may not have. (BTW, Secret Life’s doing an A+ job of scaring teens into abstinence.) Most of these quotes will have you running to the nearest Planned Parenthood in case you got something just from looking at Ricky.

Need to get caught up? Check out our recap here!

1. Henry (upon seeing Adrian’s gigantic belly): “You’re not having twins, are you?”
Don’t anger a pregnant lady, Henry. All kinds of cray-cray hormones are running through those swollen ankles.

2. Ricky tries to make casual convo: “You don’t have any sexually transmitted infections or HIV or anything, do you?”
Rando Girl: “If I do, I’m sure it’s from being with you.”
So true. Ricky’s probably spreading STDs around Grant High like the plague.

3. Zoey gets straight to the point: “I’d say the chances are pretty good that you have something. Even if it’s just a minor unheard of something. Because you’ve slept with everyone. And you’ve slept with everyone everyone’s slept with.”
Seriously, there’s no way Ricky doesn’t have, like, ten other children he doesn’t know about.

4. Adrian dishes out some words of wisdom to Grace and Grant while rubbing her stomach creepily: “I hope you two know that if you’re having sex, this is what can happen.”
Jeez, Adrian’s already mothering people and she hasn’t even popped that thing outta her yet.

5. Ben: “Is that a remark about Adrian’s girth?”
Ricky: “Her what?”
Ben is so middle aged. Who says “girth"?

Credit: Randy Holmes/ABC Family Channel (c) 2011 Disney ABC Television Group Photo: Ricky Smolders in Episode 3.15, "Who Do You Trust"

6. George to Amy as she way over-shares: “I’m unflappable. You can’t flap me.”
We’re pretty sure he was flapped when Amy implied she’d still do it with Ricky even if he had the herp. Girl, no.

7. Ricky worries about his STD test: “I’m not having anything cut off. I hope.”
Women of the world hope not either.

8. Adrian: “We had sex. Sex is intimate”
Ben: “I had my eyes closed most of the time.”
Are we really supposed to believe that this guy got a girl preggers? Really? Him?

9. Jack: “I might have come into contact with an infection at some point.”
OH EM GEE. Jack just fell, like, a billion points in the hot-o-meter. Did you see Grace’s face? She was like, “Oh no you didn’t!”

10. Madison gushes about her new crush to her dad: “Oh yeah, he got married before he was out of high school, but he’s divorced now, so it’s completely over”
We don’t know why her dad is so shocked. All of Maddy’s friends are divorcees!