Credit: ABC Family Photo: Ricky & John Get In A Bonding Moment in Episode 4.04, "One Foot Out The Door"

Sigh, you’d think a couple of sex-thirsty teens would have the time of their lives shacked up and banging, but apparently not. There was trouble in paradise all over the place in last night’s Secret Life episode, and it’s like: Can’t we all just get along? Thank God we have Ricky and his unrelenting good looks to get us through these dark times.

I’ve Got a Fever, and the Only Prescription Is More Ricky

Amy comes home to Ricky’s pad all worked up because there’s something wrong with baby John! Maybe he’s been spending too much time on the dog bed in the middle of the floor, but something’s up with the little dude. He’s probably just in silent protest about Amy’s gigantic pleather jacket.

Amy and Ricky argue about whether or not they should take John to the ER and Ricky accidentally refers to Amy as his wife on the phone with the doc (by the way, Ricky’s number is 555-0199, ladies). When Amy gets all gooey-eyed about his slip-up, he flips a dizzle and now things are way awkward. Especially since Ricky tries to make the situation better by saying “I want to... want to marry you.” Cue jazzy piano notes.

Over in the ER, Ricky is a total jerk to a random lady who dares to call John cute, and Amy sulks in the corner until they’re called into the doctor’s room, where the doc tells them John is totally fine. Yeah, turns out he’s only saying “Ow” because Ricky and Amy won’t stop arguing. Jeez, this poor kid.

Back at school, Ricky and Amy try to find a way not to traumatize their child. We’ll see how that works out for them.

Credit: ABC Family Photo: Amy Doesn't Look Too Happy With Ricky in Episode 4.04, "One Foot Out The Door"

The Family That Plays Together Stays Together

Leo and Ben go out to a father-son dinner (read: mob meeting), and Ben reveals that he and Adrian spent the entire weekend sexing each other up. The only problem? Ben still doesn’t want to be married! Leo has girl problems of his own, but he refuses to let Ben get divorced. Ugh, parents, right guys? Leo wants Ben to get “more into the business side” of the sausage empire by becoming his assistant (OMG, Ben DON’T DO IT), and it seems like Ben is so miserable at home that he just might say yes.

By the way, Leo is becoming a full-blown alcoholic. Last week, he powered through two bottles of wine, and now he’s sippin’ on Cognac just to muster the courage to get into bed with Betty.

Beauty School Dropout!

Adrian and Grace have a hang sesh in which Adrian tells Grace to suck it up and admit she’s a total ho. We couldn’t agree more — enough with this whole being “in love” stitch. Meanwhile, Adrian reveals her plan to get Ben to admit his true feelings, since tons of hot sex isn’t doing the trick: She’ll pretend she’s going to cosmetology school in NYC and see how he reacts to the idea of her leaving!

When Ben gets home from his date night with daddy, Adrian reveals her plans to move east side, and Ben’s totally for it! Uh oh. In fact, he’s so excited about getting his wifey out of the house that he wants to buy her a place in New York so she can stay there forever!

At this point, Adrian knows Ben wants to leave her, so she comes up with an even better plan to keep him around: Getting knocked up. Again. Oh, no she didn’t!

Credit: ABC Family Photo: Adrian Finally Looks Happy With Ben in Episode 4.04, "One Foot Out The Door"

Love Potion No. 9

Jack’s dad stops by the Bowman-Tseguays’ to tell Jack that he and his wife are moving back to California thanks to Madison and her cunning plan. Grace and Daniel interrupt Jack and his pop’s convo to officially declare themselves boyfriend and girlfriend and proceed to make out on the couch and talk about — what else? — le sex! Daniel wants to hold off on the hanky panky and there is real, legit panic on Grace’s face. Dang, that girl is such an addict.

After Daniel leaves, Grace and Jack run into each other in the hallway and look adorable in their pajamas, while Kathleen lurks downstairs listening in on their conversation. Do we smell a total love connection coming our way? Yes, please! Meanwhile, Tom comes home all wigged out about his parenting responsibilities.

Jack calls Madison to deny his feelings for Grace and — surprise, surprise — Grace walks in and they have another conversation about how they don’t want to have sex with each other. The next day at school, Grant acts all nonchalant about his breakup with Grace in an effort to win her back. He’s also put about three gallons of gel into his hair. Wow, he must be crying so hard on the inside.

We can’t wait to see how this love triangle plays out next week, but for now tell us your thoughts about last night’s fantastic episode on our Secret Life fan page on Facebook!