One thing we’ll never say about The Vampire Diaries: “You took the words right out of our mouths.” Elena and the gang utter things we’d never dream of saying — or at least hope we never have to. Without further ado, here are the top 19 notable quotables from Season 4, Episode 9, “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.”
19. If only it were that easy.
Caroline (to Tyler and Hayley, about Klaus and Rebekah): We just kill two Original birds with one stone.
18. Is that too much to ask?
Klaus (to Stefan): What do you want from me? A secret brotherhood handshake?
17. Each one teach one.
Elena (to Damon): I have to meet Bonnie. She’s teaching Jeremy how not to kill me. Want to come?
16. Consider that history lesson warped
Stefan: Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, you know.
Klaus: What is the point of my hybrids being sired to me if I can’t maximize the benefits of free labor?
15. He wants to be alpha and omega
Tyler: This started with me. This has to end with me.
14. Hate speech?
Jeremy (on his sister): She ruined our lives. She’s not even my real sister. She’s just the reason everyone I’ve ever loved died. I will kill her. Even if that means that I die myself.
13. Some questions are better left unasked
Caroline (to Tyler): Who was dumb enough to volunteer their body to be a Klaus sublet?
12. Is this a sign of an alcoholic?
Damon: You’re not allowed to feel this sorry for yourself unless you’re sitting on a barstool. [Opens a flask.] Fortunately. I travel with the bar.
Caroline: My boyfriend is a dumbass martyr.
10. He’s speaking from experience
Caroline: Here to steal Tiny Tim’s crutches?
Klaus: Dickens was a dark man. You would have liked him.
9. There goes our favorite hiding space
Damon: Try the sock drawer. People leave the sketchiest stuff in their sock drawers.
8. Now that’s behavior modification
Professor Shane (on Jer’s urge to kill): Think of it as kind of a conditioned response: See a vampire. Kill a vampire.
7. Good point
Damon (about Bonnie): Survey says. [He makes a buzzer noise.] Professor Shane has been dipping into the magical herbs a little too much if he thinks using a vampire to express the need to kill another one is going to work on a hunter. It’s like dangling a cheeseburger in front of someone on a master cleanse. …Just find someone else to attach your warm and fuzzy details too. …. Gee, I wonder who that could be.
6. The spell that got away
Shane (to Elena): In all my travels the one spell I never found was how to break someone from loving too much.
5. Keep your fingers crossed
Damon: If your hypno herbs work, we should be singing kumbaya around a fire by dinner.
4. He leads by example
Tyler: I’m their alpha. They’re looking to me to help them.
3. Sure. But who’s counting?
Professor Shane: You’ve threatened to kill me, what, three times already this week? Knowing the location is how I’m going to survive your bad moods.
2. True words
Caroline (about Hayley): That little werewolf slut has lost her mind.
1. A Mother’s Love
Mayor Lockwood: Klaus, please. Don’t hurt him. He’s my son. He’s all I have.
Klaus: And you’re all he has. There’s a beautiful symmetry to that, don’t you think?