Are you an emotional banana sandwich after that finale? Captain Protein Powder Nick Peterson stopped by Bachelor Pad 3 just long enough to take the money and run — after apparently promising he would share the money with The Widow Rachel Truehart. Meanwhile, Rachel got her butt chewed out by Jaclyn Swartz, got reminded that Michael Stagliano was never falling for her and — oh yeah — got no money. (Rachel for Season 9 Bachelorette? The petition starts here!) But at least Blakeley Jones and Tony Pieper are engaged.
This was a weird one and many strange things were said. Here are 20 of the best quotes from the historic BP3 finale.
20. Michael: “Did I go on Bachelor Pad 3 looking for a wife? No, because it’s Bachelor Pad.”
Hear that, Tony?
19. Jamie Otis [to Blakeley]: “You have no good reason not to be friends with me. Jaclyn claims I’m fake.”
Jaclyn: “You are.”
Blakeley: “You are.”
But your sparkles are 100 percent REAL(LY odd).
18. Jaclyn: “I think I controlled the game.”
Oh, so you’re to blame for Nick’s decision? Rachel, get her!
17. Jamie [to Chris Bukowski]: “I think Emily’s a very fortunate girl, very wise, to see right through you, because I don’t think you’d be any great father for her little daughter, Ricki.”
Nah, he’d be fine. If not, couldn’t he just trade in Ricki for the new car smell of a cuter kid?
16. Chris "SWAT": "Am I the only one that would take the $250,000 and run?"
15. Jaclyn [to Jamie]: “I think that you’re very socially awkward and I think that you don’t know how to communicate with girls.”
Are you taking notes on this? This is how you communicate with girls. By talking down to them and calling them fake. Schooled, Jamie!
14. Chris: “Don’t vote for me. Vote for Sarah.”
The women were the only finalists worth voting for — and the only ones who got screwed. What a shame Rachel and Sarah couldn’t be partners.
13. Blakeley [on Tony]: “Sometimes I feel like it’s too good to be true, ‘cause I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like that. He’s amazing."
Aww! You had to go through The Ben Flajnik and Chris Bukowski Obstacle Course — that’s what you did to deserve Tony. You earned some good luck, lady.
12. Jaclyn [of Rachel]: “It’s one of those ‘forgive and never forget’ and our relationship hasn’t been the same since.”
Jeez, should we all line up and take turns kicking Rachel or what?
11. Rachel [on Michael]: “This is not the person I was falling for on the show.”
Yeah, it doesn’t sound like the person we fell for last year. Oh, Michael...
10. Chris: “I learned that the game really took control of me.”
But according to Jaclyn, she controlled the game. So should we blame her for Chris, too?
9. Nick Peterson: “I stayed out of all the drama. … My hands are clean.”
Ignore those drops of Rachel’s blood! They were already there, believe me!
8. Nick: “I don’t feel like I owe anybody anything.”
You owed us a dramatic, unique Bachelor Pad finale — and you gave it to us. Thanks, man!
7. Tony: “Would you make me the happiest man in the entire world and would you be my wife? Will you marry me, Blakeley?”
Blakeley: “Are you serious? Absolutely!”
Yes! Blakeley can finally add a happy chapter to her sad scrapbook.
6. Rachel [to Nick]: “Get your sorry f--king pathetic ass out here now!”
When Nick said he and Rachel were on the same page, she didn’t realize it was a page out of Chris B.’s How to Treat a Lady handbook.
5. Nick [to the cast]: How many of you guys went into this and said I can’t wait to win $125,000?”
Rachel: “Someone just punch him.”
He’s right. But someone should punch him anyway, just to cool his ego. (Cue Blakeley’s donkey punch!)
4. Kalon McMahon [to Nick]: “To see you pull the trigger on that — I’m so proud of you. Well played, man. Well played. That was awesome.”
When Kalon thinks you were so dastardly it’s shocking — worry.
3. Nick: “I played this game brilliantly.”
Rachel: “No you didn’t.”
Nick: “Yes, I did. Bye bye.”
To be fair, he did everything everyone else said they would do — lie, not aim to make friends, not allow emotion into the game, stay out of the drama, and focus on the money. It was kind of brilliant.
2. Nick: “I was on nobody’s radar. Nobody was on my team. … I feel like I’m an outsider and I got here by myself, and I did this all by myself. … [Rachel] tried to leave on me three times, knowing that it would screw me over. … You said it was Jaclyn’s words that kept you here, not mine. … And so I decided to keep it. … I won.”
This would be a lot more impressive if he weren’t so dang cocky about it, standing up and cheering for himself and all.
1. Rachel: “You are such a f--king schmuck.”
Nick: “I’m a schmuck with $250,000.”
And that about sums it up.
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