True Blood Power Rankings: Season 4, Episode 1: “She’s Not There”
It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. True Blood kicked off to a bloody amazing start (and we mean that in the most literal way possible), and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Here’s how this works: We’ll list each character’s gains and losses per episode, starting with the season premiere. No. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Bring it on!
JASON Ranking: 11 Gains: Jason is finally a deputy sheriff! Losses: Where do we start? Jason spends his days hauling buckets of meat to his fleet of inbred children in Hotshot, and now he’s stuck in a freezer with a nasty bump to the head. Plus, he’s rocking a criminal goatee.
ERIC Ranking: 10 (Shocker, right?) Gains: Eric is at the bottom of the heap, and we don’t mean that in a sexy way. In good news, he’s up to his old tricks: When he showed up at Sookie’s house to possibly drain her blood / force himself on her, it brought a tear to our eye. Losses: Eric might have caught a glimpse of Sookie’s side-boob (high five!), but it’s not all fun and games. We can’t forget that Bill totally owns him, and when your life consists of a former nightclub piano player with a penchant for middle parted hair bossing you around, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
HOYT Ranking: 9 Gains: Hoyt has himself a hot girlfriend (for now), and he’s finally moved out of his mom’s house. Losses: The dude can’t even get his gal to make him a cooked meal, and he spends his evenings getting the blood drained out of him, only to get up in the morning and work all day. Plus, Jessica spent their entire date-night eye-f*cking randoms.
ARLENE + TERRY Ranking: 8 Gains: They have an adorable baby and Arlene’s hair is a slightly less tacky shade of red! Losses: Mickey is trying to tell them something. Namely: I want to chop off your head, but my hands are too little and I lack the fine motor skills.
SOOKIE Ranking: 7 Gains: Sookie’s house is way cleaner than it used to be. It must be a huge relief to sit down on the couch without worrying about accidentally getting pregnant from various towns-folk's bodily fluids. Losses: Sookie lost a year of her life and everyone’s mad at her for ditching them. Oh yeah, and she had the worst family reunion ever and may or may not have just been partially eaten by Eric. Sigh.
LAFAYETTE Ranking: 6 Gains: Lafayette’s fro-hawk is the stuff that Truebie dreams are made of. How can life possibly get better? He’s one bejeweled doo-rag away from being our biggest True Blood crush. Losses: Lala’s being haunted by the ghost of his vampire boyfriend. We hope he has a imaginary vase to put that pretty imaginary flower in.
JESSICA Ranking: 5 Gains: Is it just us, or has Jessica gotten even better looking? She looked red hot on the Fangtasia dance floor — it’s no wonder all the fangbangers want to jump her bones. This is going to be a good season for baby-vamp. Losses: Jessica is one adulterous love bite away from getting dumped by her boyfriend. Oh well, she can always sex up vampire daddy Bill.
MARNIE Ranking: 4 Gains: Marnie has managed to inspire everyone around her to get their Harry Potter on. We have a feeling there’s more to this sweet old lady than meets the eye. Losses: Marnie might be powerful, but her digs don’t impress. Fear not — Lafayette will use his design skills to whip up the best super villain lair ever.
SAM Ranking: 3 Gains: Sam finally has some friends to gallop around the woods with. Losses: He’s still dealing with the repercussions of shooting his brother (don’t you hate when that happens?) and he doesn’t have a girlfriend — yet!
TARA Ranking: 2 Gains: Tara’s finally over her “dating serial killers” phase, and she’s sexing up a total hottie! Who happens to be a lady. Wow, this girl has some serious game! Plus, did you see the way she kicked butt in that cage fight? Losses: Tara has to hide her true identity to her girlfriend. Eh, totally worth it.
BILL Ranking: 1 Gains: Bill is King! How can you top that? Losses: Sookie still loves to hate him and hates to love him.