True Blood season 5 is right around the corner, and we can't wait for 12 more episodes of NC-17 fun.
If Alcide doesn't take his shirt off at least three times per hour, we might suffer some major ab withdrawal –– but we digress.
Check out our roundup of the 12 hottest hookups from season 4!
1. Bill’s Has Crazy Sex With His Security Guard
At this point, Bill had been living it up sans Sookie for an entire year, but we were still shocked to see him busting a move all over his sexy assistant. It was so great to see Bill back on top, in the most literal sense, of course.
By the way, Willy: As far as we know, Katerina isn’t a vampire, which means her head cannot be twisted around in the heat of the moment. So don’t get any ideas.
2. Bill Fangbangs His Great Great Great Granddaughter
Our minds were blown when Bill took Portia Bellefleur up on her sexy proposition and they got jiggy with it! True Blood sex scenes never cease to amaze us with how not safe for life they are, but little did ol’ Willy know Portia was related to him.
Apparently sexing up your relatives is the new black. How else do you explain the fact that almost every relationship in True Blood is worthy of its own reality TV show?
3. Tara Hooks Up With Her New Gal Pal
So, after Tara booked it out of Bon Temps and joined an all girl cage-fighting troupe, she fell in love with a sexy lesbian and got herself some good old-fashioned girl-on-girl action.
Eh, BFD right guys? One of the best things about True Blood is the fact that sexual preferences are no big deal. Bon Temps might be a backwards podunk town when it comes to vampire rights, but they’re totally ahead of the gay pride curve!
4. Sookie and Eric Share Their First Kiss
No words can describe Sookie and Eric’s passionate first kiss. It was one part epic, one part sexy and about 1,000 parts adorable.
And the fact that Eric was wearing a sleeveless hoodie and basketball shorts only made it that more much ah-mazing. We wish we could replay the moment over and over again.
You know what’s even hotter than dreaming about boning your best friend’s girl? Making out with her IRL while she’s covered in blood blisters and lesions.
We want to stay loyal to Hoyt and hate on Team JJ, but we have to admit — Jason and Jessica are kind of cute together. Sorry, Bubba, but you know what they say: Out with the old, in with the Ghost Daddy.
6. Jessica Breaks Up With Hoyt and Hooks Up With Jason!
Not only did Jessica dream-murder Hoyt, but she added insult to injury and broke up with him! We can’t believe these two are over after everything they’ve been through.
It didn’t take Jess more than five minutes to move on the the next six-pack, and before we knew it she was sexing up a storm with Jason in the back of his truck, which has previously housed things like a large metal chain, tubs of Mayonnaise, and dead bodies. What a romantic place to pop a gal’s cherry!
7. Sookie and Eric Become Forest Nymphos
In the most poetic, beautiful, it hurts so good, way ever. It’s tender, it’s romantic, and it’s sexy as hell. Plus, let’s not forget that Eric had the mind of a virgin and the body of a sexpert.
There’s no way he wasn’t shedding emo tears while giving Sookie the Viking ride of her life. Name any position from the Kama Sutra and we guarantee these two rocked it. Eric just broke his six-hour record!
8. Sookie and Eric Continue to Have Insane Sex
Sometimes getting down in the woods just isn’t enough, right guys? Eric and Sookie decide to trade the dewy meadow for the kitchen floor, and take their fangbanging sex-fest back to her place and do it doggy style in the mirror. Lovely!
9. Sookie and Eric Have Snow Sex
You guys, we feel so bad for Bill. While he’s trying to pull off cashmere sweaters and man jewelry, his ex-girlfriend is busy groping her Viking King’s perfect assets.
Sookie and Eric’s fangbang was straight out of some nerd-core role playing game. They “made love” on on top of a dead animal pelt in the forest, and we’re pretty sure a unicorn pranced by with a wood nymph on its back.
10. Sookie Has a Threesome
Bon Temps’ fairy princess spends the majority of her time blazed on various vampire fluids, and at this point we have no idea whether the crazy sex that goes down in her panties is fantasy or reality.
All we know is that both Eric and Bill were simultaneously soiling Sookie’s couch while doing spit takes off her neck. Hot!
11. Jessica and Jessica Role Play
Considering that she’s a 16-year-old virgin for life, Jessica is all about getting sexperimental. How else do you explain the Little Red Riding Hood “do-me” outfit that she wore during her fangbang with Jason?
Props to Jessica for using her red silk cape as both a fashion accessory and a blanket on which to make bloody love. And just because we didn’t see Jason use that Popsicle he was licking as a sex prop, doesn’t mean it didn’t come in handy during round two.
And completely traumatize Emma. We imagine that Sam and Luna put this kiddo to bed and said, “This might be awkward considering that you’re like, 10, but if the tent is a rockin’ don’t come a knockin.’”