We begin where we left off, in the middle of the graveyard where Terry was so recently buried. Now we see why Alcide showed up — it’s to walk around with Sookie and talk about how everything is crazy. But where the heck is Jason? (Side note: Alcide still looks awesome in his funeral casual wear.)
Sookie thinks so too. There's some serious sexual tension happening, but if memory serves, thinking of boning Sookie should still make Alcide want to ralph, right? Because of Eric and his jealous-glamoring? At this point, the strolling duo is interrupted by, to quote my horrified mother, “A whole mess of crazy vampires taking off their clothes and doing each other.” Then my mom left to go read a book in quiet shock while the vamps started doing the Charleston in the nude. HAPPY SEASON FINALE EVERYONE!
It isn’t just vamps getting their bone on, a young Jason Stackhouse is desperate to swerve with his vampire mistress Violet, who is furious to see Sookie because she is crazy jealous. Having been assured that Sookie is no threat, Violet makes out with Sookie! Jason thinks he loves Violet, but Sookie is like “yeeeeah...careful bro.” Sookie is then reunited with all of her peeps! Except for Bill, who is house-dwelling and being emo. (When did Season 1 Bill return?!)
Sookie heads back to the ultra-glowy fairy realm to see that Warlow has quietly made his own soulmate maypole that will may or may not be their wedding rings? Whatever. Sookie is also unimpressed. She has kind of cold feet, and says, “Yo Warlow, instead of entwining our souls, how about we go on some dates? And you can meet my friends and stuff?” Warlow then turns out to be a possessive jerk, who slaps Sookie to the ground and says mean stuff to her. OH HECK NO! BILL AND ERIC POWERS ACTIVATE IF YOU PLEASE?
Then we return to the Target ad that IS all the vampires wearing pastels and playing volleyball outside of Bill’s house. Pam — her buzz having evaporated — announces to Tara that she is going to go hunt for Eric because... of course she is. Inside the house, Bill is a mess. He has lost his powers, and with them his ambivalence for Sookie. Now that he is Bill again, he's not happy about Sookie possibly being married off to Warlow.
Jessica is all “:O” and makes Bill go rescue her — with an assist from a rather confused and angry Jason. They send him to go ask Andy for some his faerie daughter’s blood to access the portal to the faerie realm. While Jason’s manages to sweet talk Adelyn into helping, and enlist Andy’s help, Bill frees Takahashi.
Warlow, as the world’s worst abuser, has tied Sookie to his expertly crafted maypole. (This is not innuendo.) Even though he demands that she fill his hole. As he tries to cajole her into being his lady forever, Sookie threatens to throw her light away, and this only angers Warlow more. He calls her a danger whore. It continues getting kinkier and then Warlow feeds on her some. Luckily, Adelyn and the gang are close to Sookie. Bill gets all Karate Kid on the newborn faerie, smooth talking her into accessing the other realm. When that doesn’t work, Violent scares the shit out of her to do it.
It works! And now there is a fight for the nearly-drained Miss Stackhouse. Bill stakes Warlow with his own maypole! That’s what we call irony. (Actually it’s what we call just unfortunate and hilarious.) Jason, Violet, and Adelyn get Sookie out of the faerie realm while Bill continues after Warlow. But that old faerie vamp is fast, and soon it’s just Andy, Jason and Violet keeping him at bay. By the time Bill shows up, it’s toooo laaaaattte and Warlow zaps the dude out of the house before locking up Jason, Adelyn and Violet in Eric’s old basement hangout. Luckily, Adelyn has powers and busts them loose.
Then! Rutger Hauer appears from an alternate realm in Sookie’s bathroom. He holds Warlow back while JASON STAKES THE GUY DEAD! Rutger Hauer is gooey and everything is great. But not as great as suddenly seely TOTALLY NAKED ERIC READING ON THE SNOWY MOUNTAINS MINUTES BEFORE HIS SUN WALKING POWERS WEAR OFF. Am I nervous, yes, but I ALSO saw his weiner.
SIX MONTHS AND ONE ROASTED ERIC WEINER LATER....
Bill is now a successful author who wrote an expose about Hep V and is being interviewed on TV! While Sookie watches... WITH HER BOYFRIEND, ALCIDE — AND I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT. I know, it’s a lot of caps, #sorrynotsorry. Meanwhile, at Jason's, he's too busy performing sex acts on Violet, who still won’t let him put his boy parts into her girl parts, to care about Bill's TV interview.
Other things that have changed in six months? Sam has become politically active and is the mayor of Bon Temps. He's pro-vamp, and even helps all of them get their blood tested for Hep V. Then, our Bon Temps crew reunites at church, where Reverend Daniels talks about togetherness. Sookie meets a little girl named Crystal. The reverend talks about how terrible the bad vampires are and how we need to fight them. Mayor Sam shares that he and Bill have a plan to thwart the bad vamps. The plan is that each non-carrying human agree to feed a vampire in exchange for protection. (I LOL'ed all of the LOLs.)
Later that night at the BBQ/Vampire Human Pair-Up, we learn that Jessica is still with James and that he is — duh — in a band. Tara has a pow-wow with her mom. Her mom apologizes to Tara for “everything” — which is... a lot of things, if you really think back. She begs Tara to be her feeding partner. I feel uncomfortable. So does Tara. But then she does, so, that's that. Not present at the meet-up? Andy and Adelyn. Jessica notices this and goes to apologize to Andy and Adelyn. It is very touching, and I get misty. She offers her protection as an apology. Cue the "awwwws"!
Leaving the party, Sookie and Alcide run into Bill, who offers Sookie his protection. She is like “no way man,” and Bill calls Alcide, “Bright Eyes,” which makes me chortle. Then a pack of wild, blood-thirsty vamps descend on to the party...AND THE EPISODE ENDS! AHHHHHH!
What do you think is going to happen? Is Eric really dead? Who will survive next season? Are Sookie and Alcide going to last? Share your thoughts in the comments.