Our passion for True Blood runs deep (much like our love for Eric), but do you end each episode scratching your head in WTF confusion? We're right there with you, fang girls.
Our jaws constantly drop at the supernatural happenings in Bon Temps, and it's time to check out the biggest WTF moments from Season 5, Episode 9: "Everybody Wants To Rule The World."
1. The Authority Munch on a Naked Muggle
Well, consider our hopes dashed. We've been looking forward to True Blood's much-anticipated full-frontal male nudity since the rumor mill went into overdrive earlier this year, but little did we know it would be a bald middle-aged hillbilly. It's like the Truebie powers that be forgot all about the fact that Eric, Jason, Bill, Sam, and Alcide also have man-parts that are yearning for their television debut. We blame you, Alan Ball.
2. Salome and Bill Have Gypsy Sex
Look, we know Bill likes to get freaky in the bedroom, but we're slightly concerned about his sexy-time with Salome. Mostly because she was dressed up like a bohemian gypsy. Think I Dream of Genie meets a hipster from Williamsburg. PSA: Please take your lovemaking to the Renaissance fair, William.
3. Iraqi Lady Vomits an Ifrit
If you guys have been wondering where Smoke Monsters come from, we have the answer. Apparently, these fiery creatures live in the stomachs of disgruntled Iraqi ghosts, and usually pop out during the stomach flu. Basically, when a ghost barfs, a Smoke Monster is born. You're welcome for that life lesson.
4. Jessica Pulls a Michael Jackson
Remember back in the day when Jessica wandered around in adorable farm-girl outfits and prairie skirts? Now she's morphed into a tragic victim of Forever 21-itus, a chronic condition where teens wear strappy body-con dresses and — in Jessica's case — fingerless lace gloves for no reason. Somewhere, Karl Lagerfeld is crying.
5. Everyone Hates Hoyt
Um, can we please discuss the fact that Hoyt was left to die in a giant pile of hungry pigs? Sam, Luna, Sookie, Jason, and Andy were hanging in the farm, and approximately zero of them noticed that Hoyt was being eaten alive. In fact, Sam saw both Hoyt and Sookie get thrown to the pigs, and chose to only save The Sookster. Hoyt should really move away from Bon Temps. No one loves him here but us.
6. 1980s Alcide Brings The LOLs
Oh, don't worry — it's just teenage Alcide, surrounded in a sea of denim vests, denim jackets, denim jeans, denim cut-offs, and denim belly shirts. This might just be the best flashback in True Blood history, especially because it featured the holy trifecta: pinkie rings, plaid, and experimental facial hair patterns. Keep on truckin', Alcide.
7. All of Sookie's Relatives Are Named Claude
No, seriously. So far we have Claudine, Claude, Claudette and Claudeja. It's like none of these fairies have even seen Peter Pan. Her name is Tinkerbell, guys, and she has way better tutu fashion than all y'all.