Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO ©2012 Home Box Office Photo: Jason and Andy Have a Strange Encounter With Fairy Land in True Blood Season 5

The promo for next week's episode of True Blood is over a minute of catfights, goo, men in nightgowns and high fives. If you watched it and still don't know whether or not Sookie is dead (answer: Eh) — don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:01 – Alcide Gets Dragged Off Somewhere
Look, Sookie, we know you want to do it doggie style with Alcide, but control your urges.

0:04 – Bill Looks Confused, Probably Should Stop Wearing Leather
Train of thought: "Sookeh? Is that yew? Gahs? Is anyone thea?"

0:08 – Russell Wanders Around In A Nightgown, Tries to Eat Sookie as a Snack
Also uses the phrase "twee fairy vixen." Approved!

0:13 – Goth Hoyt Accuses Jessica of Having the Hots for Him
If these two get back together, we will literally pee our pants from happiness. Or something less embarrassing ...

0:23 – Andy Gets His Investigation on in the Stake Store
Loving that life sized photo of Steve Newlin. Must buy that for our shrine …

 0:24 – Supe-Killer in Obama Mask Shoots a Vampire!
OMG, another death? How much more can we take, Alan Ball. Sigh, someone pass us our pearls. We need to clutch them.

0:24 – Hoyt Is Covered in Blood
Uh oh, looks like a vampire met the True Death all over Bubba's new cut-off jacket.

0:29 – Owner of the Stake Store Looks Amazing in a Ponytail ...
While giving Andy a lecture about "fangers."

0:30 – Supe-Killers in Obama Masks Hop in a Van and Skedaddle
We are having serious Point Break flashbacks. Bodhi, is that you?

0:31 –
Jason Hangs Out Next to a Roaring Fire
No explanation, just enjoy it.

0:35 – Terry and Patrick Get Attacked by the Smoke Monster
Damn you, Ben Linus, go back to The Island!

0:38 – Eric Is Back in Jail
Well, at least The Authority didn't kill him. Is now a bad time to mention that Bill definitely isn't in this scene?

0:42 – Jessica and Tara Vamp Fight in Fangtasia
Girls just wanna have fun!

0:44 – Pam Eye-Rolls at Tara While Wearing a Hilarious Blonde Wig
MILF alert!

0:45 – Lafayette's Mom Calls Him "Evil"
Hookah, please. To the left. 

0:51 – Terry Breaks up With Arlene to Save Her From Death-By-Smoke-Monster
Noooooooooooooooooo.

0:52 – Renaissance Fairies High Five Each Other With Lightning Bolts
The caption says it all. 

0:53 – Roman Rocks a Blue Polo-Shirt (Collar Unpopped)
The caption continues to say it all.

 

 

Credit: YouTube Photo: True Blood Promo: Season 5, Episode 6, "Hopeless" (VIDEO)