The promo for next week's episode of True Blood is 37 seconds of ET fingers, pervy old men, pearl clutching, and amazing hair.

If you watched it and still don't know whether or not Alcide is shirtless (answer: duh, he is) — don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:01 – Bill and Eric Think Nora Plotted Roman’s Death
Wow, these guys catch on quick! (Opposite Day)

0:06 – Sookie Gets a Fairy Chemical Peel
Basically, fairies are rubbing their freaky light fingers all over her, and it's glorious.

0:13 – Sookie Zaps Things at Random in an Effort to Become Human
Oh, Sookie. You will never be normal, not with that supernatural bod.

0:15 – Jesus Head Hangs Out in Lafayette's Hand Chair
This is so offensive to the '80s. Hand chairs are to be respected.

0:18 – Jesus’ Creepy  Grandpa Shows Up in Lala’s Living Room
Dude just wants to drink some goat blood. So sue him.

0:20 – Tara Pops a Fang at Her Poor Mother
Just because you’re a vampire doesn’t mean you need to wear pleather corsets, Tara.

0:21 – Russell Bursts Through Some Curtains With Glee
Excuse you, please go put on an ascot.

0:24 – Russell Gets Flirty at a Southern Hoedown
This poor hillbillies don’t know what’s coming.

0:26 – Russell And Eric Play 'I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours'
Sadly, they're only showing off their fangs.

0:26 – Russell Clutches His Pearls
Ahhhh, human blood. Cue fang erection.

0:29 – Russell Wanders Around in a Fedora
Sigh, will this trend never stop?

0:30 – JD Predicts “The End of Days”
2012, guys. It’s happening.

0:32 – A Redhead Vamp (Jessica?!) Chomps on Jason's Neck
Luckily, he hits her in the head with his gun. No harm done!

0:32 – Alcide Is Shirtless in a Barn
And all the farm animals have gone blind.

0:33 – Sam Punches a Random in the Face
Really, Sam? You just finished murdering someone. Control your urges.

Credit: Youtube Photo: True Blood Promo: Season 5, Episode 7, "In the Beginning" (VIDEO)

Wanna chat with fellow True Blood fans? Join the discussion on our True Blood Facebook page!
Follow @TrueBldWetpaint on Twitter



More About True Blood
True Blood Spoilers
True Blood Season 6
True Blood Episode Guide

Alexander Skarsgard
Anna Paquin