Credit: HBO

The promo for next week's episode of True Blood is 37 seconds of half-dead townies, dried meat, and prostitutes. If you watched it and still don't know whether or not Roman will free Eric and Bill  –– don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:01 – Tara Looks Deranged, What Else Is New?

Sigh, if only Franklin were here to tie her to a toilet and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

0:04 – Sookie Asks Pam For Help

Pam's just like, "Excuse you, I am busy having fantasies about Eric in a top hat."

0:06 – Tara Pops a Fang Erection at Some Townie

Looks like a blonde bombshell is on the menu for dinner!

0:10 – Tara Attacks Said Townie, Is Finally Getting Her Vamp On!

Hope she likes drinking blood laced with miracle whip and jello.

0:14 – Debbie Pelt's Dad Confronts Alcide

More importantly, we get to see Alcide's work. Which is filled with lumber and plaid, obvi.

0:15 – Alcide Asks Sookie What She's Hiding

How can she resist those puppy eyes?

0:16 – The Authority's German Interrogator Pitches a Fit Over Russell

Does anyone else have a crush on him yet? We know it's wrong, but it's just so right.

0:17 – Roman Makes a Sad Face

Thinking back on how Law & Order betrayed him back when he was human.

0:18 – Bill Promises to Capture Russell Edgington

Hahahahaha! Oh sorry, we take you totally seriously, Bill.

0:21 – Old-Timey Eric Bares His Fangs

Fingers crossed that Pam's about to turn into a vampire!

0:22 – Tara Breaks Into a Tanning Salon

Clearly, Tan Mom's story really inspired her.

0:24 – Goth Hoyt Wanders Into Fangtasia

Not gonna lie, dude looks good in a mesh shirt and black eyeliner. 

0:25 – Pam Kicks Sookie Out of Fangtasia

Shockingly, some people in Bon Temps don't want to have sex with the Sookster and her weird fairy fingers.

0:26 – Jessica Smells a Sexy Fairy

Sigh, time to mentally prepare for gollums in tutus. How much more can we take?!

0:29 – Bill and Eric Wear Matching Track Suits

Don't mind if we do!

0:30 – Sam Finds Tara in the Bushes

When in doubt, turn to your perverted nudist neighbor.

0:31 – Nora Gets Pumped Full of Silver

Years of incestual inbreding have prepared her for this moment.

0:36 – Old-Timey Pam Almost Gets Shivved With a Dagger

Where is Eric and his ascot when we need him?

0:37 – Tara Attacks Arlene in a Meat Locker!

Seriously, why does Sam have so much prosciutto. Did Merlotte's turn into an Italian deli?

 

Credit: HBO Photo: True Blood Promo: Season 5, Episode 3, "Whatever I Am, You Made Me" (VIDEO)

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