"I'm A Gay Vampire American!" and More Top True Blood Quotes From Season 5, Episode 1

Fact: True Blood's season 5 premiere was completely and totally amazing. It also happened to be packed full of hilarious one-liners courtesy of our favorite po'boy-eating gang of hillbillies.

We love you and your wise words of wisdom, Bon Temps!

10. Eric says what we're all thinking: "Fuck Sookie."

Yep, pretty much.

9. Jason gets deep: "Fangs are basically like twin hard-ons."

We've been saying that all along.

8. Pam teaches Sookie and Lala a lesson: "I am wearing a Walmart sweatshirt for ya'll. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is."

We're surprised Pam's skin didn't break out in hives.

7. Pam checks out Tara's dead body: "What's to say she won't rise up from the ground tomorrow night completely and utterly f***tarded?"

Pam can always be counted on to be politically correct.

6. Eric saves Bill's life: "I'm not leaving you here."

Sob, so romantic.

5. Lafayette tries to find Jesus: "He was right f***in' there in my hand chair!"

LOL, hand chairs.

4. Sookie lies her pants off to Alcide: "I saw that open cabinet look in Southern Living."

Please, Sookie doesn't know how to read.

3. Steve Newlin comes out of the vampire closet: "I'm a gay vampire American!"

It gets better.

2. The Rev says "hi" to Jessica: "I am Steve f***in' Newlin, who the f*** are you?"

This is how we will be introducing ourselves from now on.

1. Eric brags to Bill about Nora: "We fight like siblings, but we f*** like champions."

You don't need to rub it in, poor Bill's jealous enough as it is.