The promo for True Blood season 5 is over a minute jam-packed with bloody faces, noobie vamps, and naked hotties.
If you watched it and still don't understand who that half-dead man in the fetal position is –– don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!
We're so worried about all the bodies that apparently live in Sookie's yard.
0:13 – Reverend Newlin Is on the Loose!
We're thrilled to see that becoming a vampire didn't impact his A+ fashion.
0:14 – Sam Is Naked and Tied to a Poll, Remains Hot
Keep your experimental sex life to yourself, Suna.
0:16 – Alcide Looks Completely Tragic as Our Hearts Weep
Clearly he's in need of comfort food. Rawhide bone, please!
0:17 – Jessica Snacks on Some Random Blonde
Apparently blondes don't have more fun.
0:18 – Lafayette Calls Sookie The "Angel Of Death"
We'd hardly use "angelic" to describe someone who has sex on tombstones, but ok.
0:20 – Arlene Raises Her Hand, Might Be Bitch Slapping
Girl has got to get that hair under control. It's been four seasons.
0:22 – Bill Cries Out "Sookeh" and Runs Out His Front Door in a Tizzy
0:23 – Eric Gets Captured in a Net!
Much like a beautiful butterfly.
0:28 – Flashlights Wander Down a Creepy Hallway
Presumably a search party has been formed to find the rest of Sookie's pants.
0:30 – Alcide Tells Sookie That Russell Edgington's Alive!
Poor Sookie, so out of the vampy loop.
0:31 – Creepy Body Curls Up in the Fetal Position
Oh, Russell. What have they done to you?
0:32 – Camera Lingers on a Pile of Dead Stiffs
Eh, what else is new?
0:33 – Roman Mutters Something, We're Too Distracted By His Dreamy Eyes to Care
Agent Stabler as a vampire? Approved.
0:40 – Russell Recuperates in a Hospital Bed
Give the man some breathing room, fan girls.
0:45 – Sookie Tries to Make a Joke
0:46 – Bill Opens a Door
"Oh, hay, ya'll, it's meh, Beel!"
0:48 – Werewolf Attack!
Is it weird that we think Alcide's just as sexy in his mutt form?
0:49 – Sookie Finds a Bunch of Bodies
Don't pretend you didn't dig 'em up, girl.
0:50 – Eric Accuses Pam of Freeing Russell
Oh no he did not!
0:57 – Jason Hangs in a Graveyard Like a Perv
It must run in the family.
0:59 – Terry's Held Up at Gunpoint
Guns? What is this, Muggle-Ville?
0:60 – Someone Who Looks a Lot Like Hoyt Is Covered in Blood
Just putting it out there — dude is totally a vampire.
1:05 – Sookie Gets Spooked While Standing Next to a Hippie
Who is that bearded dude? It's a well known fact that Sookie likes her men freshly waxed.
1:06 – Random Townie Is Tied to a Poll and Screaming
Probably just a Hot Shot-ian, in which case, NEXT!
1:07 – Roman's Face Is Splattered in Blood
Nothing like an exfoliating cleanse to get your day going.
1:09 – Eric Plants a Kiss on His Sister
Don't question it, and don't pretend you don't like it.
1:10 – Sookie Screams Lala's Name
"Noooo ... you forgot your lashes!!!!"
1:15 – Russell Tells Us He Wants to "Gorge On Human Blood"
Permission granted, buddy.