Credit: YouTube

The promo for True Blood season 5 is over a minute jam-packed with bloody faces, noobie vamps, and naked hotties.

If you watched it and still don't understand who that half-dead man in the fetal position is –– don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:07 – Sookie and Lafayette Go Gravedigging

We're so worried about all the bodies that apparently live in Sookie's yard.

0:13 – Reverend Newlin Is on the Loose!

We're thrilled to see that becoming a vampire didn't impact his A+ fashion.

0:14 – Sam Is Naked and Tied to a Poll, Remains Hot

Keep your experimental sex life to yourself, Suna.

0:16 – Alcide Looks Completely Tragic as Our Hearts Weep

 

Clearly he's in need of comfort food. Rawhide bone, please!

0:17 – Jessica Snacks on Some Random Blonde

Apparently blondes don't have more fun.

0:18 – Lafayette Calls Sookie The "Angel Of Death"

 

We'd hardly use "angelic" to describe someone who has sex on tombstones, but ok.

0:20 – Arlene Raises Her Hand, Might Be Bitch Slapping

 Girl has got to get that hair under control. It's been four seasons.

0:22 – Bill Cries Out "Sookeh" and Runs Out His Front Door in a Tizzy

Forever alone.

0:23 – Eric Gets Captured in a Net!

Much like a beautiful butterfly. 

0:28 – Flashlights Wander Down a Creepy Hallway

Presumably a search party has been formed to find the rest of Sookie's pants.

0:30 – Alcide Tells Sookie That Russell Edgington's Alive!

Poor Sookie, so out of the vampy loop.

0:31 – Creepy Body Curls Up in the Fetal Position

Oh, Russell. What have they done to you?

0:32 – Camera Lingers on a Pile of Dead Stiffs

 Eh, what else is new?

0:33 – Roman Mutters Something, We're Too Distracted By His Dreamy Eyes to Care

 Agent Stabler as a vampire? Approved.

0:40 – Russell Recuperates in a Hospital Bed

 Give the man some breathing room, fan girls.

0:45 – Sookie Tries to Make a Joke

 And fails.

0:46 – Bill Opens a Door

 "Oh, hay, ya'll, it's meh, Beel!"

0:48 – Werewolf Attack!

 Is it weird that we think Alcide's just as sexy in his mutt form?

0:49 – Sookie Finds a Bunch of Bodies

 Don't pretend you didn't dig 'em up, girl.

0:50 – Eric Accuses Pam of Freeing Russell

Oh no he did not!

0:57 – Jason Hangs in a Graveyard Like a Perv

It must run in the family.

0:59 – Terry's Held Up at Gunpoint

Guns? What is this, Muggle-Ville?

0:60 – Someone Who Looks a Lot Like Hoyt Is Covered in Blood

Just putting it out there — dude is totally a vampire.

1:05 – Sookie Gets Spooked While Standing Next to a Hippie

 Who is that bearded dude? It's a well known fact that Sookie likes her men freshly waxed.

1:06 – Random Townie Is Tied to a Poll and Screaming

Probably just a Hot Shot-ian, in which case, NEXT!

1:07 – Roman's Face Is Splattered in Blood

Nothing like an exfoliating cleanse to get your day going.

1:09 – Eric Plants a Kiss on His Sister

Don't question it, and don't pretend you don't like it.

1:10 – Sookie Screams Lala's Name

"Noooo ... you forgot your lashes!!!!"

1:15 – Russell Tells Us He Wants to "Gorge On Human Blood"

 Permission granted, buddy.

Credit: HBO Photo: True Blood Season 5 Trailer: Russell Edgington's Loose (VIDEO)

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