The True Blood finale had so many OMG doozies that we had to make the executive decision to add a f**k to the criteria and single out the five biggest OMFG moments of the season!
1. Tara gets shot in the head!
We couldn’t believe our tear-filled eyes when Tara took a bullet in the brain and her head exploded all over the kitchen. Tara’s been kind of a bummer since she showed up in our lives four years ago, but we certainly didn’t want her to die –– especially since she finally switched up her hair! You’ll be missed, Tara — unless Bill and Eric turn you into a vampire, in which case, see you next year.
In the meantime, we’ll poor some of our Belvedere Bloodsucker Cocktail out on the floor in remembrance.
2. Jesus is stabbed to death!
We can’t help but wonder: If Jesus hadn’t turned into a horned devil mid-Brujo vomit, would Marnie have killed him with her steak knife? We were seriously traumatized when Jesus bit the fairy dust — he was such a good influence on Lafayette, not to mention a talented male nurse. Sigh, at least Lala can become one with Jay whenever he feels inclined.
And we mean that in a strictly un-sexy way.
3. Steve Newlin is a vampire!
Don’t you hate when you’re a vampire-hating evangelical Christian and then you get kidnapped and turn into a vamp? Total FML moment.
We’ve been wondering what Steve Newlin’s been up to since disappearing last year, and apparently he made two major life changes: 1) He grew some fangs, and 2) He realized he’s gay for Jason Stackhouse.
At least we assume that’s what that jaw-drop at Jason’s man bits was.
4. Jessica and Jason do the dirty!
Considering that she’s a 16-year-old virgin for life, Jessica is all about getting sexperimental. How else do you explain the Little Red Riding Hood “do-me” outfit that she wore during her fangbang with Jason?
Props to Jessica for using her red silk cape as both a fashion accessory and a blanket on which to make bloody love.
And just because we didn’t see Jason use that Popsicle he was licking as a sex prop, doesn’t mean it didn’t come in handy during round two.
5. Welcome back Russell Edgington!
It’s been way too long since Russell and his jello bowl full of dead boyfriend has been in our lives, so we were thrilled when Alcide uncovered his cement grave.
Hopefully, next season Russell will get revenge on all the haters that ruined his life — other than Eric of course. Long live the vampire monarchy!