True Blood

We can only assume your plans this week consist of draping yourselves in plastic beads and dancing through the streets in celebration of Mardi Gras!

Obviously, Mardi Gras is a Bon Temps holiday favorite, and we've come across a long-lost episode of True Blood that pays homage to the biggest party in the dirty south.

Enjoy!

Scene One: Bill’s Mansion

Bill sits alone on his couch, holding a Wii controller in his hand. As dusk falls, we hear the sounds of celebration in the Bon Temps streets.

Bill (to himself): Ah am all alone.

Bill reaches down and unearths a man-necklace from amongst his chest hair. It's a locket with Sookie's picture in it. A lone, bloody tear drips down Bill's cheek.

Bill (to himself): Ah must win my Sookeh back. I will host the most fabulous pahty Bon Temps has evah seen!

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a strand of plastic beads.

Bill (to Sookie's picture): Mah-di gras!

Scene Two: Sookie's House

Sookie and Eric stand in the shower, grabbing each others breasts.

Eric: Look at all this imaginary snow!

Sookie: Talk Viking to me.

Eric (rolls his eyes and sighs): I'm outtie.

Sookie: But, I can smell the ocean on your skin!

Eric: GODRIC!

Scene Three: Sookie's House

Sookie lies on her couch sobbing into an empty foot bath. She hears a knock on the door. It's Bill, dressed up in this outfit.

Bill: Sookeh.

Sookie: Bill?

Bill: Ahm havin' a mah-di gras party at mah house. Care to join?

Sookie: Just to confirm, you cannot come in.

Bill: Sookie, ah love yew.

Sookie: I'll be at your party, and yes, I will be wearing short-shorts. Prepare your ovaries.

Scene Four: Bill's Mardi Gras Party

The Bon Temps locals gather on Bill's lawn, dressed head to toe in traditional Mardi Gras garb. People are dancing, celebrating, and — obviously — having orgies all over the place. Alcide is wandering around naked, but no one even cares.

 Bill (to an inbred cat-person and his sister-lover): Do not make me use my British accent on you. Remove youhselves.

Bill meanders around the party, draped in beads.

 Bill: Sookeh? Sookeh?

He comes across Sookie and Eric, making love in the middle of the lawn on a polar bear hide. Yet another tear drips down his cheek.

Bill: This is not what ah intehnded. (Ignites into spontaneous flame). 

Sookie: Oh my lord, Bill! Someone help!

Enter Alcide, who comes running to Bill's rescue. The gust of wind generated by his hair puts out Bill's fire.

Bill (to Alcide): Yew saved meh. It's a Mah-di gras miracle!

The End