True Blood

Looking for love in all the wrong places this Valentine’s Day? These dark, True Blood-less times can have that effect on a fangbanger.

Lucky for you, we’ve unearthed a missing Valentine’s Day episode of our favorite show!

It’s time to revisit Bon Temps’ steamiest love triangle: Sookie, Eric and King Bill. Enjoy the fanfic ride, Truebies!

Scene One: Bill’s Mansion

Bill sits alone at a piano, staring at his pinkie ring in dismay. In the distance, we can hear the faint sounds of Sookie and Eric’s lovemaking.

Bill: I wish thay would stop having sex in mah front yahd.

(He gently wipes a tear from his face)

Bill: The time has come to morph into Hahd Hahted Hannah, mah alter-ego.

Scene Two: Bill’s Front Yard

Eric and Sookie lounge naked on a dead animal pelt while forest creatures flee the scene.

Sookie: Next time, let’s try doing it on a dead tiger.

Eric: Whatever, Snooki.

(Enter Bill, who seems to have found himself a top hat)

Eric: Oh, hey Bill.

Bill: It’s Bheel. I was hoping we could all go inside and play with mah Xbox togethah.

Sookie: I think that would be weird.

Bill: Sookeh, you are mah everything! (breaks down crying into his top hat while Sookie and Eric leave)

Scene Two: The Bon Temps Graveyard

Bill stands naked next to a gravestone and covers himself with dirt. In the distance, we can hear sounds of Eric and Sookie’s lovemaking. Bill picks up his cell phone.

Sookie: Hello? Bill. I told you, I’m busy for the next six hours.

Bill: Sookeh, come to the graveyahd, I have a suhprise for you.

Sookie: (sighs) Fine.

(Bill hangs up his phone and feverishly begins digging a hole)

Scene Three: The Bon Temps Graveyard

Sookie wanders through the graveyard draped in a polar bear fur. She looks panicked and worried. 

Sookie: Bill? Bill? Is everything OK? (silence) Bill? I’m worried about you!

(Suddenly a bejeweled hand emerges from the ground and grabs Sookie’s legs. It’s Bill, naked and covered in dirt.)

Bill: You ah mine!

Sookie: Bill, we talked about this. Graveyard sex was a one time thing.

Bill: But Sookeh!

Sookie: Denied.

Scene Four: Sookie’s House

Sookie enters her living room to find Eric, naked and giving himself a foot bath.

Eric: What did he want?

Sookie: Graveyard sex.

Eric: Again?

Sookie: I can’t even talk about it. Please let me wash your feet.

The End.