Welcome back to Bon Temps, Truebies: The town that podunk dreams are made of. Words cannot describe how crazy/beautiful True Blood’s Season 4 premiere was, but we’ll try our hardest. Pop in your fangs — it’s time for a tasty treat!

A Fairy Fail

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Sookie Stackhouse in Episode 4.01, "She's Not There"

Last season, we left Sookie alone in a graveyard, surrounded by a fleet of half-naked fairies and twinkly lights. Just a typical day in the neighborhood. Season 4 kicks off as Sookie’s fairy godmother, Claudine, transports them to the toga party of the century, where everyone is getting drunk on glow-in-the-dark fruit and glitter. Sounds magical, right? So, so wrong. Turns out Sookie’s fairy family are one buck tooth short of landing starring roles on The Real Hill People Of Mordor.

After running into Barry The Bellboy and her long-lost Grandaddy Earl, Sookie learns that fairy land exists in an alternate space/time continuum — her grandpa’s been stuck there for 20 years! Sookie telecommunicates her suspicions to Earl, but unfortunately, all the other fairies are like, “Um, we can hear you,” and pretty soon Queen Mab waltzes over and reveals her evil plan to harvest humans and close the portal between fairy land and Bon Temps forever.

Sookie sets her stunner hands to “destroy Queen Mab,” and a couple of renegade fairy boys (who look suspiciously like Tom Cruise in Legend) suggest that she jump into a pit of molten lava to get back to Bon Temps. Sounds like a plan — there’s just one problem: Grandaddy Earl ate light fruit during the party and will die once he gets to the human world. Oh well, we’ve got to start the trail of dead bodies somewhere.

Next thing we know, Sookie’s back at the graveyard with her pops, who proceeds to evaporate into mist. Meanwhile, somewhere deep underground, Bill and Eric open their eyes. Their fairy princess is back in town!

There’s No Place Like Home

As Sookie wanders back into Bon Temps, she realizes that things are different. First of all, her house is actually clean, and someone got rid of all the meat shrines and leftover bodily fluids. Turns out what Sookie thought was a few minutes in fairy land was actually an entire year and everyone in Bon Temps thinks she’s dead!

Sookie’s only back in her pad for a few minutes before people start showing up on her porch — and when we say people, we mean dead people. After Jason stops by (sporting some questionable facial hair), Bill appears in a fit of passion and is so overcome by seeing Sookie that he seriously looks like he’s about to start weeping. Can we just stop a moment to comment on Bill’s tight-fitting cashmere sweater? What happened to the linen camisoles and high-water trousers? (Not that we're complaining.)

Bill’s about two seconds away from pouncing Sookie’s juicy groin vein, when Eric shows up and totally cock-blocks him. We wish they’d just get it over with and make out already, but instead Bill commands Eric to leave (hmmm, what gives?) and Eric flies off in a huff — but not before staking a claim for Sookie. It looks like we’re in for a major love triangle, Truebies. Bill encourages Sookie to tell the townsfolk that she’s been on a secret vampire mission for him and then he peaces out without so much as a goodnight hickey.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Eric Northman in Episode 4.01, "She's Not There"

Once Sookie and Jason have the house to themselves, he fills her in on what he’s been up to for the past year, which includes selling Gran’s house, trying to help Andy Bellefleur through his V addiction and babysitting the inbred cat people in Hotshot. Thug life.

The next day, Sookie heads over to Merlotte’s where everyone is flipping their hoe cakes over the fact that she’s alive. Everyone except Sam, that is, who’s too busy sulking in the corner. He’s more bitter than ever, especially when it comes to his little brother, Tommy, who seems to have become besties with Maxine Fortenberry. You’d think Sam would be happy, after all, he spends his evenings frolicking around the woods with a sexy shifter horse pack.

After Sam and Sookie figure out her new work schedule, Sookie has a quick meeting with Portia Bellefleur (Andy’s lawyer-sister) about buying her house back and then heads home to shower. Of course, Eric shows up just in time to get a full glimpse of Sookie’s fairy tail. Sexy swooon! Is this the six hour luv-making session we’ve all been waiting for? Not so much.

Even though Sookie’s desperate for a good ol’ fashioned fangbang after her shady vaycay in fairy land, she seems none too happy about Eric’s impromptu visit. Eric reveals that he owns Sookie’s house and then borrows a line from Bill and says, “You. Are. Mine.” Commence fang erection.

Local Yokels

So, WTF is up with Arlene’s evil baby? It turns out that mini-Rene (aka Mikey) is the most adorable infant ever — apart from his unfortunate habit of decapitating Barbie dolls, scattering their heads all over the floor, and totally freaking out his mom. Terry tries to make Arlene feel better by reminiscing about his own childhood days of sticking squirrel heads on lizard bodies, but we all know he’s just thinking “thank God that’s not actually my kid.”

Speaking of kiddos, Jason heads over to Hotshot to check in on his adopted litter of inbred cat children, only to get hit over the head by a mystery man and shoved into an ice box. Hopefully he won’t freeze to death between now and next week.

Meanwhile, there’s trouble in paradise for Jessica and Hoyt, who are fighting more than ever. Jessica spends her nights getting turned on by animal attack footage, and Hoyt works late hours and has his remaining energy sucked out of him when he gets home. Like, literally. Hoyssica go on a much-needed date night to Fangtasia where Jess vamps it up on the dance floor and eye-f**ks hunky fangbangers. Uh oh, is she going to cheat on Hoyt? Say it ain’t so!

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Hoyt & Jessica Share a Moment in Episode 4.01: "She's Not There"

Finally, those of you who are stressed about Tara and her tragic hair can calm the hell down. She’s safe and sound in New Orleans working as a cage fighter (just go with it), and her hair is prettier than ever. Oh, and she’s a lesbian. Yes, after one too many failed relationship with dudes, Tara has officially switched teams ... and changed her identity. What is happening?!

 

Something Witchy This Way Comes

Jesus drags Lafayette and his fro-hawk to a “meditation group” so they can get in touch with their witchy sides, but Lala’s a bit hesitant — are these witches legit? Oh, hells yes.

Meet Marnie, a sweet-as-pie middle-aged lady who hangs out on a bean bag and chants all day like NBD. She might look innocent in her little flowery dress, but this witch is no Blossom. As soon as Lafayette walks in the room, Marnie develops what seem to be major stomach problems, but don’t worry — she’s just channeling Lala’s old vampire boyfriend Eddie. Lafayette’s totally wigged out, but Marnie/Eddie is like, “Here, have an imaginary rose, it’ll make everything better.” Witch, please.

Lafayette deals with Marnie’s disturbing seance the only way he can: by dressing up in his fanciest doo-rag and heading back for round II. This time, things get even more real: Marnie brings her pet parakeet back to life, only to have it drop dead again next to Lafayette, who’s all, “I did NOT wear the right glitter head band to deal with this sh*t.” In fact, the entire coven seems disturbed by Marnie’s ability to raise the dead, but none more so than geeky “witch” Katie Pelham, who’s actually a vampire spy!

Katie heads over to Bill’s house to report her findings because, oh yeah — he’s the king of Louisiana now. We better get an explanation for that hot mess next week, because we’re having a little trouble with the thought of Bill in a crown.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Bill's All Business in Episode 4.01, "She's Not There"


We need answers and we need them now. Next week cannot come fast enough, Truebies! What did you think of the premiere? Let us know on our True Blood Facebook page!