Credit: Facebook Photo: Bill Gets Political in True Blood Season 4

Oh, Bill. It’s only been a year since this vamp got his black heart broken and now he’s doing what he does best: f**king like only vampires can. His words, not ours.

The season premiere of True Blood might have been a hot mess, but episode 2 clears everything up. For starters, we find out why Bill is hanging out throne-side, and whether Jason’s still trapped in an ice box with some rancid meat as his only companion. Catch up on last night’s fan(g)tastic episode with Wetpaint’s recap!

All Hail the King!

Last week, True Blood left us in suspense as to whether Eric had depleted Sookie’s juicy fairy-blooded veins, but this week we find out that she rejects him even though he offers his protection in exchange for her love. Of course, Sookie’s disinterest doesn’t stop Eric from making himself at home in her pad. He fixes a broken door, stocks the fridge with blood, and builds himself an adorable little cubby to curl up in during the day!

Clearly a normal person would be flinging themselves onto Eric’s stripper pole in a fit of blood lust, but apparently good looks and a perfect body aren’t Sookie’s thing (no offense, Bill).

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Sookie Stackhouse in Episode 4.02: "You Smell Like Dinner"

In an effort to get Eric off her mind, Sookie storms over to Bill’s fortress where he’s fangbanging his assistant, Katerina. Awkward. As soon as Sook is on Bill’s property, he breaks out of his sex haze and is all, “Sookeh?” You’d think Bill would wait to let his ex in until after he had forced Katerina to hide under his bed, but no. Sookie is forced to watch Bill tuck his ... uh, shirt ...back in his pants while blood drips from Kat’s neck.
Sookie and Bill have an awkward conversation about how Eric’s trying to do her, and she gets all emotional about Bill’s betrayal. It’s like, get over it. It’s been a year. (Or a few hours.) Meanwhile, as Sookie asks Bill how he landed himself a crown and matching pinkie ring, his face gets all tragic-looking and we enter what might be the most amazing moment in True Blood history: Flashback to the '80s!

London Calling!

The scene: 1980s London, where a punk rock Bill hangs in a local bar with spiked hair and an earring. The most important part of this flashback is when Nan Flanagan asks Bill to join the AVL, but we basically took two things away from the entire scene: 1) We hope to see more of Bill’s fast-dancing skills and 2) He needs to work that English accent in the bedroom (fight on, mate!) asap.

After taking a stroll down memory lane, Bill calls Eric into his royal office and tells him about the witches who are taking over Bon Temps. As he bosses Eric around, we flashback (again!) to the night of Bill and Sophie Ann’s fight to the death. Here’s what went down: After Sophie-Ann totally owned Bill in their fly-off, a fleet of AVL officers appeared out of nowhere and gunned her with wooden bullets and she exploded into a splatter of goo all over Bill’s face. RIP, Queenie. Louisiana won’t be the same without your non-ironic mini-veils.

Cat-Scratch Fever

Credit: Doug Hyun/HBO Photo: Jason Stackhouse in Season 3, Episode 7: "Hitting The Ground"

Over in Hotshot (where people are NOT as hot as the name implies), Jason wakes up to Timbo licking his head. Uh, thanks? After realizing that he’s been tied to a bed, Jason convinces young Timbo to free him, but Felton comes in and ruins the fun. Yes, Crystal and her brother-lover are back in town, and they have a special plan for Jason. And by “special plans,” we mean the worst-sounding threesome ever.

Felton has Crystal all hopped up on V, so she tries to seduce Jason, even though he’s still reeling from Timbo’s head-licking. It’s Crystal’s duty to procreate the werepanther line, but Felton “shoots blanks,” so naturally they have to turn Jason into a panther by biting him so they can all have group sex and make babies. Or something. We’re a little hazy on the details because we were staring at Jason’s six pack the whole time.

As Crystal purrs all over her man, Andy shows up in Hotshot to score some V. Looks like the po-po is using again! We understand: Vampires taste good. Not that we’ve tried ....

Heartbreak Kid

Credit: Facebook Photo: Hoyt & Jessica Are Super Cute in True Blood Season 4

As Hoyt, Jessica and Pam leave Fangtasia, Hoyt gets all “you’re talking about my woman!” to a protesting group of Fellowship of The Sun Worshippers and ends up getting his butt kicked. Jessica offers to heal him with her vamp blood, and he makes the big mistake of saying, “I don’t need that sh**.”

Uh oh. Don’t you dare upset baby vamp, Hoyt.

Jessica is so offended by her man’s way harsh words, that she runs off to Fangtasia to whore it up with the stud who was eyeballing her the night before. Is it cheating if you drink blood from someone who’s not your boyfriend? A question we ask ourselves every night.

Sookie walks in on Jessica draining her hunk in the bathroom, and Jess moodily tells her how heartbroken Bill is. He sure didn’t seem that sad when he was fangbanging Katerina a few minutes ago, but we’ll go with it.

Puppy Love

Who’s that, skipping gleefully through the forest? Oh, it’s just Sam Merlotte. Yawn. Been there, seen that.

What we’re really excited about is Sam’s new shifter gal pal, Luna –– especially because she’s a mega babe! Luna comes to visit Sam at Merlotte’s, but Tommy doesn’t seem all that happy about his brother’s hot date. He follows Sam to a shifter meeting and overhears Luna reveal that she’s actually a skin-walker, the Native American version of shifters that can change into any animal on earth, even other humans.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Tommy Mickens in Episode 4.02, "You Smell Like Dinner"

Sam chases Tommy down, and they have an emotional conversation about their relationship. Two naked men hanging in the woods talking about their feelings? We sense a bromance coming our way.

Black Magic

Apparently, that whole parrot thing made Marnie slightly cuckoo-bananas, because now she wants to bring back people from the dead. During a coven meeting, Marnie’s just about to mention who she’ll be necromancing next, when Eric busts in and totally ruins her res-erection. As Eric love-bites Marnie and threatens to kill Tara (who’s visiting from New Orleans), the coven hold hands and start chanting in Latin. It doesn’t seem to be working until Lala joins in and the entire place turns into a total sh*t show.

Lala’s witchy energy allows Marnie to be possessed by something a lot more scary than Eddie and his bag of imaginary flowers. As she casts a spell, her face morphs into that of a beautiful woman, fireballs erupt in her eyes and then BOOM. Eric runs out of the coven with his fangs between his legs.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Marnie in Episode 4.02, "You Smell Like Dinner"

Meanwhile, Sookie’s driving back home when she sees a half-naked Eric, who has no idea who she is, who he is, or where his tank top and matching leather jacket went. In fact the only thing that gives away his vamp nature is the fact that he thinks Sookie smells good. Shudder!

Will Sookie help Eric remember his true identity as a stripper enthusiast with a love for blood? Will Bill continue to have wistful flashbacks to the past? And where the hell is Alcide? Tune in next week to find out!