Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Alcide in Episode 4.03, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

Bon Temps: The city that your dirtiest nightmares are made of. We’re only three bites into Season 4 of True Blood and it’s already shaping up to be the best season yet! Bill is king, Sookie still hasn’t learned what pants are, and Alcide is back in town! As Lafayette would say: Hookahs, we loves it.

Bugaboo

The only thing more adorable than finding a lost puppy on the side of the road, is finding a shirtless vampire. Eric might not know who he is or where his clothes went, but he knows a sweet-tasting fairy when he sees one. Sookie realizes that something’s not right with her vampire frenemy and runs away as fast as her booty shorts will let her before slugging Eric in the nose to get his fangs up out of her grill.

Eric’s eyes well up with tears to the point where he’s totally about to smudge his guy-liner, and he starts reminiscing about the sea in his sexy Viking language (aka Swedish). Apparently Eric doesn’t remember anything about himself other than the fact that he’s a vampire and that some crazy witch with fire eyes wiped his memory. If he doesn’t know who he is, how is going to remember where his fave man tank is? Panic!

Eric makes himself comfortable in Sookie’s pad while she calls up Pam at Fangtasia, who drops everything — including the hottie fangbanger she’s hooking up with — to come over. Sookie wants Eric out of her house, but Pam seems to think that Eric is in danger — and that Bill set him up with the witches as an excuse to get the American Vampire League to assassinate him! So Sook brokers a deal wherein she earns payola for taking care of the amnesiac.

She decides she needs a little help, so Sookie visits Alcide at his new place in Shreveport to request that he babysit Eric, but is disapointed to find that a) he’s wearing a shirt, and b) he’s living with trashy V-addict-turned-christian-do-gooder, Debbie Pelt. Debbie totally wants to be Sookie’s biffle, but let’s not forget the last time we saw this were-gal she was rocking a mullet and slashing at Sookie with a knife. No, thank you!

After realizing she’s stuck with Eric for good, Sookie heads home to find him missing from his cupboard. Sigh, he must be wandering down the road again. Sookie finally has a chance to relax and catch up on her reading (Charlaine Harris, natch) when hark! A light gloweth! No worries, it’s just Claudine, who for some reason thinks Sookie would love nothing more than to take a trip back to the Fairy Land of broken dreams. As Sookie and Claudine argue, Eric swoops in and starts draining Claudine and she promptly turns into a goblin and evaporates into fairy dust. Somewhere, Peter Pan is crying.

What’s New Pussycat?

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Andy Bellefleur On The Phone in Episode 4.03, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

Over in Hotshot, Jason wakes up from his fevered dreams to the sound of his kidnappers telling campfire folk tales about how werepanthers came to be. From what we can make out between the noises of Timbo chomping on some meat that we really hope isn’t human, the first werepanthers were “ghost mama” and “ghost papa,” who were eaten by another panther and vomited back up, creating even more panthers. Just go with it.

Crystal pays Jason a visit to his sickbed, tells him that he’s being “reborn,” and pops him a dose of Mexican Viagra. Please, does she know who she’s dealing with? Guess the meds do the trick, because before we know it, Crystal’s jumping Jason’s bones and crying out “Thank you Ghost Daddy,” while all her inbred sisters are licking their chops. Whatever, if we were trying to propagate our cat family, we’d choose Jason to be the Ghost Daddy, no question.

Meanwhile, Andy is desperately trying to get a hold of Jason, and he ends up taking a hit of V in his car and almost getting caught by Sam. Andy’s so blazed that he almost pops a bullet in Sam’s pretty head, but thankfully he ends up peeling out of Merlotte’s in his car. We’re officially worried about this po-po.

Be My, Be My Baby (Doll)

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Jessica Hamby in Episode 4.03, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

Jessica shows up at Bill’s door to get some relationship advice (you know how Bill loves to girl talk) and she tells him all about cheating on Hoyt. Don’t you love it when your dad gives you words of wisdom about hooking up with randoms in bathroom stalls? Bonding moment!  

Bill advises Jessica to tell Hoyt the truth, so she heads home to confront her man, who’s hanging in the living room clutching the creepy bald doll who won’t leave their house even though they’ve thrown it away a bunch of times. It’s like, take a hint, doll. When Jess tells Hoyt about her infidelity he’s so hurt that he almost cries, and Jess ends up glamouring the pain away. Hope this doesn’t become a pattern!

Meanwhile, Bill goes on a friendly date with Portia Bellefleur, who proposes that they start sleeping together. Bill’s up for the idea, but he makes it very clear that he can never love her. That’s right, Portia: BILL’S HEART IS TAKEN. Portia and Bill do the nasty, but Bill has no interest in biting her. Well, at least he has some standards.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Sam Merlotte in Episode 4.03, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

The next day at Merlotte’s, Jessica pretends her doll friend is a family heirloom, and gives it to Arlene’s baby as a gift. Two evil babies playing together? What could be cuter!

Speaking of Merlotte’s, things are not going well between Sam and Tommy. Tommy has a major mother-love connection going on with Maxine Fortenberry, and they’re about two more reading lessons away from making out (she wishes). While Maxine and Tommy are watching doll infomercials together, a salesman stops by to offer $10,000 per acre for Maxine’s land for natural gas use. Cha-ching! Tommy pretends to be Maxine’s son, and concocts an evil plan to buy her house and then sell it for profit.

Tommy swings by Merlotte’s to try to get Sam to go in on the scam with him, but obviously Sam rejects him. He might be willing to shoot his own brother in the leg, but cross Mama Fortenberry? Puh-leez, he’s not a total noobie.

Bewitched

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Pam Gets Low in Episode 4.03, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

Marnie’s coven is flipping their Ouija boards over Eric’s surprise visit, but Marnie claims that she doesn’t know how she cast such a crazy spell on him. Hah! If she’s so innocent, why does she start chanting to herself in her weird little seance room the second she’s alone? It looks like Marnie wants to get possessed again, and she goes about it by slitting her wrists and draining her blood into a goblet in the hopes that the her witch inhabitor will be all, “Mmmm, a goblet full of blood? Delish!”

Over at Merlotte’s, Tara and Jesus stop by to check up on Lafayette and his braided mohawk, but Tara gets distracted by flirting with Sam and doesn’t notice when Lala sneaks out to Fangtasia to beg for Eric’s mercy. Tara and Jay-Z show up right before Pam has a chance to strangle Lala with his own corn rows, and they make a deal to deliver Marnie to Pam in exchange for her leaving them alone. Of course if they fail, Pam will "eat, f**k and kill" all three of them.

Can’t wait for next week to see which one of these lucky three slip up!