We love ourselves some naked Jason Stackhouse, but one can only get so much pleasure out of watching him being repeatedly sexed by a bunch of toothless panther-people. No idea what we’re talking about? Clearly you need to dive fang-first into Wetpaint’s juicy recap and get a fix of True Blood season 4, episode 4: “I’m Alive and On Fire.”
I’m Too Sexy For My Cat
Crystal might be in love with Jason, but she’s not the only inbred in Hotshot with a hankering to get up on the dirty towel covering his man bits. Her sister wives want in on the action, and Crystal’s only too happy to share. When Becky tries to jump Jason’s bones, he convinces her that cashing in her c-card should be special — not illegal. Is anything more special than breeding with a bona fide ghost daddy? Doubtful. Becky cuts Jason loose and he makes his escape, knocking out Uncle Luther on his way.
In the backwoods of Bon Temps, Jason whittles a spear out of a random stick (someone’s been watching Man vs Wild), hops up into a tree and stabs Felton. Meanwhile, Crystal shows up all bat-crazy and naked, and attempts to get Jason to come back to Hotshot to be her “panther man.” Sounds fun. We’re pretty sure this is the first time Jason’s ever rejected someone whose boobs were on full display.
After Jason ditches Crystal, he passes out on the side of the road and is promptly rescued by Jessica and Hoyt, who happen to be driving by in their truck. Jessica pops out her fangs and feeds Jason her blood (or “that sh*t” as Hoyt so lovingly calls it), and judging from the glazed look in Jason’s eyes, we have a feeling he has a thing for redheads.
Bill’s stressed about Eric’s sudden disappearance, so he goes down to Fangtasia to question Pam, who’s less than receptive. You know Pam — she’d rather get stuck with the true death than have The Vampire King boss her around.
Bill heads back to his palace, where Nan Flanagan chews him out about sending Eric to deal with the wiccans. Nan seems to think a couple of witches are no big deal — after all, the last witch to cause a problem was way back during the Spanish Inquisition. Um, guys? We’re pretty sure that spirit haunting Marnie is all kinds of Spanish. Just saying.
After getting schooled by Nan, Bill heads over to Portia’s house to meet her and Andy’s grandmother, Caroline Bellefleur, a flossy lady who thinks Red Bull is tacky. Too bad the party ends early when Bill finds out he’s Portia’s great-great-great-great granddaughter. Whatever, that would totally fly over in Hotshot.
You Are 16 Going on ... 1,000
After eating Sookie’s godmother, Eric’s blazed on fairy blood and is hungry for more. He tries to snack on Sookie, so she does what any responsible babysitter would: threaten to give him time out in his cubby. Of course, Eric’s no normal man-child, so he proceeds to pinch her butt and run away into the almost-dawn.
Sookie asks Alcide to help track down Eric, which requires him to get naked and turn into an adorable wolf pup, natch. Before long, they find Eric swimming gleefully in a lake, chanting random words in Viking. Sigh, there’s nothing like a frolicking vampire! Eric asks Sookie to come play “sea goddess” with him (role playing? Yes, please), but then he notices Alcide and they have a naked man bro-off. Unfortunately, Eric’s skin starts burning before these two have a chance to get physical.
Sookie puts Eric to bed in his cubby so his skin will have a chance to heal, but he’s scared of “the bleeds” and asks Sookie to stay with him. Yeah, our hearts just exploded out of our chests, too. Upstairs, Alcide tries to convince Sookie to kick Eric out of her house, and they share a playful hug. Really, Sookie? It’s like, pick a supernatural hunk and stick to him already.
After Alcide heads back home to bang Debbie, Sookie checks on Eric, who’s huddled up in the fetal position on the verge of tears because he’ll never be able to swim in the sun again. It looks like they’re finally about to kiss, until Bill totally kills the love vibes and shows up on Sookie’s porch to question her about Eric’s location. After all, he already checked Eric’s plantation in Barbados (just go with it) and apartment in Paris. Bill wants to search Sookie’s house, but after she flashes him a pouty face, he capitulates and forlornly speeds off into the night... probably to bone his granddaughter.
Dog Eat Dog World
Sam pays an unannounced visit to Luna and is surprised to discover that she’s not only a babe, she’s also a total MILF. Meet Emma, Luna’s adorable little girl! Sam and Emma immediately bond over their mutual love for Barbie (evidently they didn’t get the memo about how dolls are evil), and Luna tells Sam all about her jealous werewolf baby daddy. Woah, there. Does Alcide have an illegitimate love child he isn’t telling us about?
Meanwhile, Tommy ditches Maxine Fortenberry for his real mom, who claims she’s left her abusive hubby for good. Poor Tommy seems happy to be back with his family, but his dreams are shattered when Joe Lee appears out of nowhere and throws a chain around his neck. Bet Sam doesn’t seem so bad after all, huh Tom?
Ding Dong The Witch Is(n’t) Dead
Don’t you hate it when you’re right in the middle of a nap and you get transported to the Spanish Inquisition? Marnie takes a trip to the execution of the woman whose spirit inhabits her body, and witnesses her burn at the stake at the hands of a bunch of old men in bejeweled robes and bedazzled hats. Just a regular old dream until Marnie wakes up with flames in her eyeballs. AGAIN.
Meanwhile, Jesus, Lafayette and Tara show up at Marnie’s to try to get her to reverse Eric’s amnesia, and not only is she reluctant to do so, she claims that she can’t. After some eff-bombs are thrown around by Lala, Marnie promises to try her best and eventually her spirit biffle gives her the answer — a circle of candles and a creepy forest, duh!
Later that night, Marnie, Lafayette and Jesus meet up with Pam to reverse Eric’s amnesia, but it backfires when Marnie’s spirit inhabitor possesses her again and cruses Pam with a spell that makes her skin melt off. Pam flips out, Jesus and Lala look disgusted, and Marnie cackles uncontrollably and promptly passes out. Man, being possessed really takes it out of you.
Tune in to next Sunday’s all-new True Blood to see if Pam’s dripping flesh totally ruins her Prada pumps!