It's been a week since we last left terrorist Bill and his legion of Lilith-loving loons, and there's already a 50 percent spike in vampire attacks thanks to the dwindling supply of Tru Blood. But the good news is, there's still plenty of General Tso's chicken to go around. In the words of newly indoctrinated Eric Northman, Praaaise Lilith!
Good Golly Miss Molly
Hide your kids, hide your wives — Mike Spencer is on the loose and he's faerie faerie thirsty. Fortunately, Sookie has a set of chopsticks handy (note to self: learn how to use chopsticks), and turns him to goo before he has the chance to gnaw off her toes. We'd tell someone to call the coroner, but, well … yeah.
Back at the Authority, things are really heating up, and we're not just talking about Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin's puppy love. Molly, the geeky security girl we can't stop calling Deb (Napoleon Dynamite, anyone?), is sentenced to death by iStake. But on the upside, it looks like our girl Rosalyn has finally left the '80s behind and stopped using AquaNet hairspray. That counts as evolving, right?
Meanwhile, Hoyt tells Mama Fortenberry he's ready to do some evolving of his own. He plans to leave Bon Temps behind and never look back. Destination? The Last Frontier, where some friends have secured him a job in the oil rigs. In the words of Sarah Palin, "Drill, baby, drill!"
As it turns out, Hoyt's not the only Bon Temps townie who's sick and tired of the supernatural BS. Thanks to the ridiculous requests of the new sheriff of Area 5, Pam is ready to peace the eff out. This dude — who's under the mistaken impression he's Eric Draven from The Crow — threatens to take all of Pam's assets, including her progeny, unless she pops out 30 new vamps. Naturally, Pam's all, "You can't tell me what I can or cannot do with my reproductive organs," and tells Tara to get ready to run.
But when has Tara ever listened to anyone? Instead of following Pam's lead, this headstrong baby vamp lures the new sheriff into the back office by pretending that she accidentally killed Ginger, and proceeds to drive a stake through his stone-cold heart. Tara, you in big trouble, hooka.
Just Like a Prayer
By now we're about 20 minutes into the episode and we have yet to see Eric Northman's bulging biceps, so we're obviously a little concerned. And with good reason! Our hunky Viking vamp is down on his knees, ready to accept the True Death. Nooo!
Relax, Truebies. Eric doesn't die — on the contrary, he's born again! That's right, and all it took was one more drop of Lilith's blood to finally see the light.
Here's how it all goes down: Godric appears during Eric and Nora's V-trip and urges his progenies to fight against Lilith. Just when we thought Nora was giving in, Lilith appears — in all her naked glory — and rips Godric's head off with one fell swoop. Nora and Eric have some kind of collective religious experience while Bill utters "Praise Lilith" as he looks on from his chamber. We don't know much about this stuff, but we're pretty sure Eric just got saved.
Let the choir sing!
While things continue heating up for political power couple Steve and Russell, things are getting seriously awkward for Jess and Jason. Hoyt sits the pair down and reveals his plan to head north. But that's not it — he wants his ex-girlfriend to glamour him, erasing all thoughts, feelings, and memories associated with them. Way harsh, Hoyt!
Speaking of young love, Andy and Holly are busy making googly eyes at each other (ew), while Sam hashes a plan to help Luna get Emma back. Unfortunately, none of the local news outlets are interested in running their story, which means they're basically s--t out of luck. Unless, of course, they head to New Orleans, where Steve is taping a live debate …
Meanwhile, Jason's pretty distraught over the death of his bromance, but that doesn't stop him from making a game-changing discovery in his parents' murder. After Sookie admits that she haphazardly searched under the bed for clues, Jason pulls a Nancy Drew and checks the floorboards. Sure enough, hidden inside an old dusty box is an ancient scroll written in some kind of weird hyroglifics. Somebody promote this guy to sheriff!
Let the Sunshine In
Back at Authority HQ, Father Bill is spending some much-needed bonding time with Jess. And by bonding time, we really mean indoctrination time. You know what they say — hook 'em while they're young! Jess seems intrigued, but we desperately want to tell her that slutty school girl outfits won't fly in vampire Sunday school. Sigh … she has so much to learn.
Perhaps she can take some pointers from Steve Newlin, who's absolutely killing it (no pun intended) in the vampire terrorism debate. Unfortunately, he's ignorant to the fact that two little field mice have sneaked into his briefcase and plan to steal his new pet pooch. Nice work, Sam and Luna!
While the shifters scurry off to save Emma, the masters of the universe get to work on revamping (pun intended this time) the word of God. But Russell's beyond bored with the education reform snoozefest, so he jumps on the table and regales the group with tales of day walking. All they'd need to do is kidnap some faes and start harvesting them. How hard could it be, right? After all, if the Japanese can synthesize human blood, why can't the Americans do it with faerie blood? (Please refer back to education reform, Russ).
Salome's not down with Russell's whole Taste the Rainbow pitch, and neither are the other members of the Authority. But there's really no point in trying to fight him — he's 3,000 years old! What Russell wants, Russell gets … and he wants the sun!
And unfortunately for Sookie, he's not the only one. Back in Bon Temps, the faeries translate the old scroll and discover that Sookie's ancestors were under contractual agreement to give her up to the mysterious M. Warlow. You know, the same vampire who killed her parents … gulp!
Lindsay Dreyer is an editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @LindsayNYC.