Time to pop open a million bottles of O Neg — True Blood Season 5's penultimate episode is upon us. You know what that means: Next week is the finale, and then we enter the horrifying nine-month period known as "hiatus blues," aka The Vampocalypse. Thank goodness for Alcide's six-pack. It understands us the way no one else does.
The Chosen One
So ... Bill is completely and totally evil. Who knows if it's the sinister pinkie ring taking over his mind or the fact that he's become a cannibal, but he's taken to having creepy conversations with Lilith — who still hasn't learned what "clothing" is. According to our girl Lils, Bill is "the chosen one,” and we have a few concerns. Was Bill born in a manger next to a bunch of cows? No. Did three vampire wise men spray him with perfume? No.
In other news, Eric is stressin'. We haven't seen him this worked up since he and Sookie entered Narnia through her shower and had snow sex. Luckily, Nora is having a similar existential crisis of faith, so she heads to Eric's room so they can plot their escape and do it incest-style. Swoon!
Meanwhile, The Authority gets a visit from Homeland Security, who break the news that they have footage of Russell and Steve's frat boy carnage. Even more troublesome? Humans are rising up against vampires, and if they catch wind of Stevell's bow-chicka-wow-wow, it'll be all-out war. Hmm, could this be Eric's ticket outtie 5000? Looks like it!
Our favorite Swedish Sex Lord promptly kills the head of Homeland Security, putting himself and Nora in the position to escape under the guise of "doing damage control." Bwahahaha, brilliant — well, except for the fact that Bill cockblocks Eric's plan and assigns him a security detail. Luckily, Eric double-stakes their bodyguards, and then he and Nora fly off into the great unknown while classical music plays in the background. Sigh, it's all so beautiful! We're crying a million Godric-shaped tears.
Now that Bill's common sense has escaped through his middle-part, Jessica's in a world of pain. Poor Baby Vamp is terrified for Sookie's life, so she convinces Bill to let her make Jason into a vampire as a ploy to warn his sis. Unfortch, Bill sees right through Jessica's plan, and sends her to Bon Temps in a helicopter (insert LOLs here) with a security team to oversee Ghost Daddy's re-birth.
Jessica's clearly traumatized about murdering the only person who understands her love of 18th century Little Red Riding Hood sex, but she heads to Jason's trailer and promptly sinks her fangs in. So, does Bubba become a vamp? Hah, as if! Jess sneakily tells Jason about her plan, and he's able to pop a few wooden bullets in her security guards before heading out to save Sookie.
Speaking of The Sookster, Tinkerbell has traded in her booty shorts for something even more horrifying. Yep, she spends most of this episode decked out in a bright pink tutu with a matching shrug. Why, you ask? Because girlfriend has to chat up a Ke$ha-obsessed River Dancing faerie elder to get answers about Warlow. According to said elder, "a dark time is coming," and Sookie needs to "hold onto her light" — especially now that Russell wants to eat her.
Faeries are more worried than ever about getting snacked on by vamps, so Sookie convinces her buddies to join ET fingers and fight! The plan? Jason wanders around Bon Temps with a rifle until Russell and Steve glamour him into leading them to Club Faerie. Unfortunately, Russell ends up holding Ghost Daddy hostage until Sookie's elder dances in the moonlight and gets herself sucked dry. Even worse? All the faerie juice coursing through Russell's body unveils Faerie Funky Town, and now he wants to eat everyone. Major fail, guys.
By the way, if you’re wondering whether Andy is Morella's baby daddy, the answer is yes. In fact, she and her enormous week-old baby bump pop up at Merlotte's to remind Andy that he "accepted her light into him," which is faerie code for sexy time.
The Hunger Games
Time to check in on Alcide, because — laaaadies! — he's shirtless. Apparently, visiting his deadbeat daddy has caused Alcide to spiral into a pit of "the sads" (cue him attacking dirt with a hatchet), especially after he finds out that his dad was dethroned as packmaster for stealing a bunch of money. Luckily, Alcide gets his act together in time to go vampire hunting with his pops, and they successfully take a few fangers out with a crossbow. Basically, Alcide is Katniss, only without the braid.
Meanwhile, Sam and Luna are still animorphing all over the place, and it's just like put on some clothes. Our eyes. Unfortunately, these love birds (er, love rats) get themselves captured by The Authority, and Sam volunteers to be Bill's breakfast in the hopes that he'll get a chance to real talk about Emma. We have a feeling this won't go well.
But enough about The Authority — let's get back to what matters: Pam and her leather corsets. This foxy lady is trying to do damage control in the wake of Tara killing Sheriff Stormer, when who should show up but Jessica! Poor baby vamp needs a place to hide from Bill, so Pam bunks her with Tara for some Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants-esque bonding. Sadly, the love-fest comes to an end when Roslyn shows up in her pink power suit, arrests Pam, and rounds up Jessica while she's at it. (And Baby Vamp gets a major bitch-slap from Bill back at Authority headquarters.)
In other news, Lilith can't stop telling randoms they're "the chosen one." First she chooses Bill, then she chooses Kibwe (which causes Bill to fly into a murderous rage), and now she's chosen Salome. Make up your mind, girl, and while you’re at it? Put on some clothes!