Credit: HBO Photo: Roman Speaks to Eric and Bill in Season 5, Episode 2

Time to take our weekly journey to Bon Temps, where booty shorts grow on trees and the stench of Bill's leather jacket fills the air. This week, one of our faves meets the True Death, Sookie remains hungover, and –– more importantly –– Alcide is shirtless. Praise Lilith!

The Morning After

Last time we checked on the Scooby Gang, Russell was lounging in an insane asylum surrounded by a bunch of feisty werewolves. YOLO, right guys? Of course, weres are no match for The Authority –– who show up to give Bill and Eric a thousand high fives and take Russell into custody. So where does that leave Sookie and Alcide?

These two spend their evening being glamoured by Bill and Eric (Side note: Bill's existential rant about "the sun" and "his feelings" equals top-notch LOLs), and then head to Sookie's house to sleep off their sexual frustration. The next morning, Alcide remembers that Sookie vomited on his shoes, and is so revolted that he physically recoils from her touch. This might have something to do with Eric glamoring him into thinking Sookie is "gross," but we blame the gap-tooth.

Luckily, Sookie un-glamors Alcide with the power of her fairy fingers, and he realizes that the Shreveport werewolves helped Russell in exchange for V. Damn those Texas Tuxedo wearing hillbillies! Alcide decides to take matters into his own paws, so he storms out of Sookie's house in the most tight-fitting shirt ever (seriously, it's called a size large), and challenges the new packmaster, JD, to a were-off. Even better? Some hottie named Ricki offers to be his "second!" We smell a doggie-on-doggie hookup coming our way!

Oh, also –– Terry and Patrick manage to escape from The Smoke Monster, but poor Terry has to breakup with Arlene in order to keep her out of harm's way. Sob, this is just like when Edward broke up with Bella to protect her, only way worse. Someone pass the tissues.

Neverland

As Snoop Dogg muses, oh Sookie. This girl just can't catch a break, so she heads to Merlotte's to "work a shift" (read: do absolutely nothing) only to run into Jason, who tells her that their parents were killed by vampires. The Stack(ed)house siblings decide to wander around an abandoned field until they find Fairy Land, which is just as tacky as ever. Somewhere, Tinkerbell is ugly-crying.

But wait! Turns out this particular group of fairies aren't the human-harvesting bucked-tooth goblins we've come to know and love. In fact, Sookie meets her godmother's bro, who tells her that he's a peace-loving hippie who just wants to dance all day. Basically, he's the be-winged version of Billy Elliot, and he's more than happy to dish about Sookie's family history. Here's the deal: Sookie and Jason's parents were driving along in their sweet ride, when their car was stopped by a vamp who smelled Sookie's blood on a discarded bandaid. Long story short, Mama and Papa Stackhouse died thanks to their darling daughter. Sigh, this girl should really buy herself a scythe.

In other completely unrelated and confusing news, Lafayette visits his mom at her mental institution, only to find out that a) Jesus loves gay people, and b) Other Jesus (pronounced "Hey Zeus" ) is being held-hostage by a goat blood guzzling old man. Yep, turns out Lala's mom has supernatural seizures and enjoys nightly visits from disembodied heads with sewn-shut lips. No biggie!

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO ©2012 Home Box Office Photo: Hoyt Wears Mesh and Guy-Liner in True Blood Season 5

All Hail The King!

Well guys, Sam and Luna are alive, but it isn't looking good. And we're not just talking about how terrible Sam looks wandering around in a hospital gown. Someone is trying to kill supernaturals, and the really weird part? No one knows about the existence of shifters except for a handful of townies and their podunk friends.

The good news is that Emma's safe with her werewolf grandma, which means Sam is free to use his weird shifter skills to help Andy in the investigation (OMG, Animorph flashbacks!). The dynamic duo head to the Stake Store, and after browsing through some crossbows, Sam promptly kills the store owner. Sure, the owner was probably part of the supe-hatin' gang, but seriously, Sam? Stop murdering people and feeding them to alligators.

Meanwhile at Fangtasia, Jessica wins her catfight with Tara, only to be confronted by Hoyt –– who's still dressed like an Elliott Smith fan-boy. Bubba's convinced that Jessica's crushing on him, and he's so distraught when she rejects him (again) that he lets a random vamp snack on his neck. Unfortunately, said vamp explodes into a million pieces after being shot by the same masked killers that pumped Sam full of bullets. It's all coming together!

In other news, our favorite bromancers are still hanging out at The Authority Headquarters, and Bill has taken to saying things like "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!" Roman could not love these two more, so he throws a party and decides to execute Russell in celebration. The catch? Someone in The Authority is a double agent, and when Roman tries to activate Russell's iStake, Russell leaps up and impales him! Looks like there's a traitor in our midst, ya'll, and we have our eye on Salome.