Welcome back to Bon Temps, where the gumbo is laced with bleach and everyone wears T-shirts that are three sizes too small for them. This week, our hillbilly friends and their bucked teeth went on their usual erotic sexplorations, complete with dry-humping, fang erections, and Alcide's naked assets. In a word: fangtastic!

Big Willie Style

It's time to check in on The Authority, because you guys? Everyone has a serious case of the munchies (speaking of, someone pass the queso sauce). These toothy power-players have become born-again Bible thumpers, and everyone just wants to high five each other and watch  Steve Newlin "ride the pony" with Russell Edgington all day.

Well, everyone except for Bon Temps' resident Viking Lord. Let's not forget that Eric had a visit from Godric (who's all about peace, love and rainbows), and now he's having all kinds of second thoughts about killing humans. Poor guy just wants his life to go back to normal (normal = 6-hour-long basement sex), but when he tries to get Bill to question Lilith's rise to power, all he gets is a surly eye-roll.

Speaking of Bill's World (a frightening place full of high-watered pants and sad emoticons), our favorite country bumpkin gets invited to snack on a random teenager by Salome. Unfortunately, this inspires him to have a sentimental flashback to ye olden days, wherein he pays a visit to his dying daughter. Girlfriend wants nothing more than to wander the world as a vampire with her pops and his shoulder-length hair, but Big Willie is just like "talk to the hand" and leaves without a second thought. So, what is the point of this memory? Apparently, it prompts Bill to realize that he's totally evil, and now he wants The Authority to bomb a bunch of Tru Blood factories. He is so the Mr. Burnes of Bon Temps.

In other news, naked Alcide alert! We repeat: Naked Alcide. He and Ricki are finally doing it doggie style, and as you might expect there's a lot of grunting involved. To be honest, we're unable to write about this without passing out onto our keyboard in a fit of swoons, so we'll leave you with the mental image of Alcide and his assets hurling Ricki across the room in a fit of puppy sextacy.

It's only natural that Big Dick Richie wants to get some sexercise — after all, he has a supernatural were-off with JD coming up. Unfortch, said were-off doesn't exactly go according to plan, and Alcide is totally thrown for a loop when JD announces that he wants to hunt and kill an innocent jock. Even worse? When Alcide tries to challenge JD, he ends up half-dead on the forest floor with Martha as his only friend. It's times like these that we ask ourselves WWCTD (What Would Channing Tatum Do)?

The Exorcism

Y'all, Jason is seriously concerned about the Sookster — mostly because she's trying to commit fairycide by blasting her E.T. fingers into the sky. Poor Sookie feels super guilty about her parents' murder, so she and Jason head back to The Fairy Burlesque Show to get some answers.

Apparently, girl just needs to access "ripples" in the space/time continuum in order to experience her mom's last moments in life, so she and her fairy family head to the bridge where her parents died to hold hands and sing kumbaya. But wait — surprise! Sookie ends up connecting with both her mom and her mom's killer, which basically means she huffs her own bloody Band-Aid in a frenzy. She also finds out that a nefarious vampire named named Warlow murdered her parents, and now he wants to kill her! Sigh, this town.

In less gap-toothed news, it's time to talk about Lafayette and Jesus. Our homeboy is officially back in LaLa's life, and they may or may not be dating, Ghost-style! Thank goodness Lafayette and his man are out of Mexico, but let's not forget hookah's still a medium. Sure, LaLa might be back in Bon Temps, but a whole new supernatural mess is waiting for him thanks to Arlene, Terry, and a certain Smoke Monster. Here's what goes down:

Arlene pretends her house is on fire to persuade Terry and Patrick to come home, and then the whole gang sit around the table so Lafayette can get his possession on. The good news? LaLa looks amazing in a beaded head scarf. The bad news? The only way the curse can be lifted is if Terry kills Patrick or vice versa. Dun dun duuuun!

By the way, if you're wondering where Tara is in all this, she's still being bitter at Fangtasia, only now she has a new friend. Meet Tara's "unpaid food whore," a slightly racist bumpkin who's glamoured by Pam into loving Tara. Awww, what a great mom. 

Double Trouble

If you're still horrified by the fact that Sam spent most of last week writhing around on the floor like a perv, prepare for the worst. This week, it's double the pleasure, double the fun — all thanks toLuna! This gal's sick to death of being stuck in the hospital, so she accidentally shifts into her boyfriend and major shenanigans ensue. Luna's transformation is completely terrifying for many reasons, including the fact that she spends undo amounts of time wandering around naked until she finds the real OG Sam and gives him a hug. 

Meanwhile, Sam and Luna's shifter enemies have invaded Fangtasia, and this time they're taking prisoners! Yep, some spiky haired hick convinces Jessica to suck his blood, only to vampnap her so Hoytcan get his murder on. Nooo, Bubba, don't do it! Poor Hoyt is still broken hearted, but thank goodness he does the right thing and releases Baby Vamp. Phew! Of course, he also leaves her in the middle of nowhere in broad daylight, but whatever.

Luckily, Andy and the Sams show up to save Jess, and after they wander around aimlessly for a few minutes, Luna announces that there is a "big woman smell" and vomits everywhere. Poor dear, we know Sam is unshowered, but there's no need to be sick … 

Oh, and in more LOL-worthy news, Luna turns back into herself when Sam kisses her. It's as though she's so horrified by the idea of Sam macking on himself that her body can't take it anymore.

So, where is our buddy Hoyt? You know, just being help up at gunpoint on the side of the road by a mysterious townie. The usual.

 


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