Credit: HBO Photo: Eric and Nora in Season 5, Episode 9: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"

Hello, Truebies. While we'd love to tell you that this week's episode wasn't full of evil traitors who may or may not be named Bill, that would be a lie. Yes, we're bitter; yes, we're crying; and yes, we're ripping down our Big Willy shrine as we speak. The silver lining? Naked Sam.

 
Dungeons and Dragons
 

You guys, Sookie is having an existential fairy crisis. She doesn't know who she is or who killed her parents, and she's taken to wearing t-shirts that actually fit her. Yep, cries for help all over the place! Luckily, Sookie's dearly departed grandmother refuses to leave her alone, and she's back — via Lafayette's doo-rag — to reveal that Sook is sitting on a huge pile of evidence. Let the sleuthing begin!

While Sookie gets her Nancy Drew on, Jason and Andy try to figure out who has been killing all the supes in Bon Temps. After watching a few YouTube videos, they realize that the masked murderers have been following someone called "The Dragon," and it's just like yes — all of our Magic The Gathering fantasies are finally coming true!

Meanwhile, Luna and Sam are itching to track down The Obamas — not to be confused with the actual Obamas like Bon Temps reporters were — so they head to the police station to help Andy and Jason. Unfortunately, Andy is still grossed out by Luna's skinwalking, so he kicks the happy couple out on their tails. Despite Andy's eye-rolls, Sam and Luna are determined to be on the case, so they morph into flies and peep on Andy as he recognizes Bud's cowboy boots in the YouTube video. WTF, Bud? You're The Dragon? Noooooooooo!

Back at the ranch, Sookie realizes that Bud found her parents' bodies the night they died, so she takes a trip over to his pad and finds out that her mom and pop were covered in bite marks at the crime scene. One word: Warlow! Obviously, the Sookster and her booty shorts are in major danger, but before she can get out of Bud's house, his hillbilly girlfriend, Sweetie, pops up and smacks her over the head with a frying pan. Before we know it, Sookie is passed out in a pig pen next to Hoyt (oh, heyyy!), and let's just say we're worried.

Turns out Sweetie is "The Dragon," and she and Bud want to rid the world of supes and feed them to pigs. Ain't no thing. But wait! Little does Bud know that Sam has morphed into a piglet, and he heroically saves Sookie when Bud throws her in for feeding. As Sam gallantly — and nakedly, we might add — fights the supe-killers, Andy and Jason show up and kill Bud before he can shovel anyone to death. RIP, buddy.

Um, also –– can we please talk about Hoyt? This poor dude was left to be eaten by Babe and Wilbur, and he may or may not be dead. 

 

Credit: HBO Photo: Patrick Threatening Terry in True Blood Season 5, Episode 9

Teen Wolf

Time for a Smoke Monster update, Lost fans! As we know, Terry and Patrick recently learned that one of them has to die in order to avoid death-by-Ifrit, and now Terry wants to challenge PattyCake to a fair fight. The catch? Patrick goes totally cray-cray and kidnaps Arlene. We know, we know — so upsetting! But don't worry, Truebies — Terry shows up to the rescue, and just as Patrick is about to pop a bullet in the cook’s brain, Arlene pulls a shiv out of her hair and stabs Pat! Girl power, guys. Unfortunately, Terry has a hard time killing Patrick once he gets the gun, but no biggie –– his Iraqi ghost friend pops up, gives him a supernatural high-five, and then Ter was good to go! To wrap it up, ghosty barfs out a Smoke Monster and gets rid of the mess. So long, Patrick!

In other news, Alcide has taken to driving around in a truck filled with ennui and country music, and he's having sentimental flashbacks all over the place. Welcome the the ‘80s, a terrifying decade where Alcide and Debbie were disgruntled youths in denim vests and silver jewelry. Apparently, the purpose of this flashback is to: A) Show that Alcide has always had amazing fashion, and B) Recount his "coming of age" ceremony, but all we've taken from it is that dude has a secret fetish for pinkie rings. Luckily, this mutt flashes to the future — before we go blind from denim-overload — and drives over to his washed-up dad's trailer for a Lone Wolf bonding session. Let's just say that we see where Alcide gets his wolfy good looks — and his love for plaid.

Speaking of wolves, JD's pack is juiced up on V, and they couldn't be happier when Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin show up to feed them a few droplets of blood. Unfortunately, Martha and Emma refuse to partake, so Russell steals Emma and gifts her to Steve! Aww, Steve’s first pet! We know she’s kind of an orphan now, but Russell and Steve are the cutest. And frankly, this gal is going to learn some seriously sweet dance moves from The Rev.

 

Credit: HBO Photo: Molly in True Blood Season 5, Episode 9

Bible Humping

Well, turns out Bill is evil. Gone are the days when he'd wander the streets of Bon Temps, emo-crying all over his high-watered pants. You see, Big Willy is "lost" (his words), and apparently this means he wants to munch on muggle veins and light Tru Blood factories on fire. Luckily, Eric is still the same Nordic God we know and love, but his Billtervention proves futile. Here's what went down:

Eric decides he and Bill need to make their escape from The Authority, so he hits up that cute vamp-nerd and comes up with a cunning way to access the Level One security sensors. The plan? Eric will sneak a few droplets of Nora's blood, while Bill heads to Salome's sex chamber and nabs some of her bodily fluids. There's just one problem: Hard-Hearted Hannah.

Bill is in the midst of a religious awakening, and while he's supposed to be stealing Salome's blood, he ends up having one of his typical creepy fangbanging sessions. Sigh, dude just can't stop being a perv. This time, Bill fantasizes that Salome is Sookie, bites her neck, makes all kinds of horrible grunting noises, and then imagines that he's doing the deed with Lilith. Talk about delusions of grandeur! Sadly, Bill's erotic sexcation causes him to go completely insane, and he ends up betraying Eric by telling Salome about his plan! Ugh, Bill, you are so not the vamp we used to know and love. 

In other news, poor Pam is broken hearted because Eric is AWOL, and to make matters worse, Fangtasia has been taken over by a Lilith-loving Sheriff who looks like the death metal version of Fabio. I can't believe it's not True Blood!

 


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