If you watched it and still don't know whether or not Sookie and Alcide have made sweet love — don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!
This is just like Nancy Drew, only with homoerotic vampire lovers.
0:04 – Salome Gives Billric an Ultimatum: Find Russell or Die!
Who knew iPhone aps could be so sinister and threatening? We're switching to Android.
0:06 – Bill and Eric Pop Fang Erections at Each Other
Vampire hunting is such a turn on!
0:011 – Heller Asks Terry If He Was Followed
We have a feeling Terry's demon baby is hot on their trail, just saying.
0:13 – Heller May or May Not Shoot Terry in the Head
Wonder if Terry's life is flashing before his eyes? If so, hopefully we'll revisit that one time he was married to Lane on Gilmore Girls.
0:15 – Someone Is "Using Russell" Against Bill and Eric
We blame Sookie. Then again, we blame Sookie for almost everything, including Tom and Katie's breakup.
0:17 – A Bloodied Russell Edgington Hangs Out in a Blanket
Is anyone else having flashback to that time Lord Voldemort's fetal self was hanging under that bench at Platform 9 ¾?
0:21 – Alcide, Eric, and Bill Tell Sookie That Russell Wants to Eat Her
Uhm, this is a great opportunity for a threesome. Just putting it out there!
Honestly, poor Sam just wants an excuse to play Barbies with Emma.
0:23 – A Bunch of Rats Nest on Some Dead Bodies
OMG, is the era of were-rodents upon us?!
Once a fangbanger, always a fangbanger.
0:29 – Lafayette Suffers a Total Freak Out, Wrecks One of His Many Shrines
Poor guy has so many ghosts living in his stomach, he just can't handle it!
0:30 – Random Townie Hangs out In a Straight Jacket
Probably gearing up for sexy time in Eric's basement.
0:32 – Sookie Runs Her Hand Down Alcide's Abs
Excuse us, we just went blind.
0:33 – Jessica Drains a Blonde Bombshell …
Who may or may not be Sookie. Her hair wasn't in a half-pony, so one can't be sure.
0:34 – Tara's Mom Calls Out LaLa's Name
Honestly, we wake up shouting "Lafayette" almost every night, so no biggie.
0:35 – The Authority Pray to a Vial of Lilith's Blood
We imagine blood vials will be for sale on HBO.com any day now!