Credit: HBO

The promo for next week's episode of True Blood is 35 seconds of fang erections, shimmering eight-packs, and weird, bloody vampire babies.

 If you watched it and still don't know whether or not Sookie and Alcide have made sweet love — don't worry. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:01 – Bill And Eric Wander Around With Flashlights

This is just like Nancy Drew, only with homoerotic vampire lovers.

0:04 – Salome Gives Billric an Ultimatum: Find Russell or Die!

Who knew iPhone aps could be so sinister and threatening? We're switching to Android.

0:06 – Bill and Eric Pop Fang Erections at Each Other

Vampire hunting is such a turn on!

0:011 – Heller Asks Terry If He Was Followed

We have a feeling Terry's demon baby is hot on their trail, just saying.

0:13 – Heller May or May Not Shoot Terry in the Head

Wonder if Terry's life is flashing before his eyes? If so, hopefully we'll revisit that one time he was married to Lane on Gilmore Girls.

0:15 – Someone Is "Using Russell" Against Bill and Eric

We blame Sookie. Then again, we blame Sookie for almost everything, including Tom and Katie's breakup.

0:17 – A Bloodied Russell Edgington Hangs Out in a Blanket
Is anyone else having flashback to that time Lord Voldemort's fetal self was hanging under that bench at Platform 9 ¾? 

 

Credit: HBO

0:21 – Alcide, Eric, and Bill Tell Sookie That Russell Wants to Eat Her
 
Uhm, this is a great opportunity for a threesome. Just putting it out there!
 

0:22 – Luna and Sam Are Hanging Out Again, Might Be Making Sweet Love

Honestly, poor Sam just wants an excuse to play Barbies with Emma.

0:23 – A Bunch of Rats Nest on Some Dead Bodies

OMG, is the era of were-rodents upon us?!

0:27 – Punk Rock Hoyt Tries to Get Tara to Snack on Him

Once a fangbanger, always a fangbanger. 

0:29 – Lafayette Suffers a Total Freak Out, Wrecks One of His Many Shrines

Poor guy has so many ghosts living in his stomach, he just can't handle it!

0:30 – Random Townie Hangs out In a Straight Jacket

Probably gearing up for sexy time in Eric's basement.

0:32 – Sookie Runs Her Hand Down Alcide's Abs

Excuse us, we just went blind.

0:33 – Jessica Drains a Blonde Bombshell …

Who may or may not be Sookie. Her hair wasn't in a half-pony, so one can't be sure.

0:34 – Tara's Mom Calls Out LaLa's Name

Honestly, we wake up shouting "Lafayette" almost every night, so no biggie.

0:35 – The Authority Pray to a Vial of Lilith's Blood

We imagine blood vials will be for sale on HBO.com any day now! 

 

Credit: YouTube Photo: True Blood Promo: Season 5, Episode 5, "Let's Boot and Rally" (VIDEO)

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