The promo for next week's episode of True Blood is 36 seconds of eye-sexing, head-butting, and Fabio look-alikes. If you watched it and still don't know if Bill and Sookie are on the rebound — fear not. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!
0:02 – Bill and Salome Eye-Sex Each Other From Across the Room
Hope girlfriend likes having her head twisted around....
0:03 – Bill Gets All Existential, Says "Everything I Believe in Has Been Turned Upside Down."
Pretty much our reaction when we found out about Robsten. Twinsies!
0:09 – Hoyt Gets Dragged Across a Barn Floor, May or May Not Be Dead
Why must all surfaces in Bon Temps be covered with hay?
0:10 – Russell and Steve Greet Their Werewolf Harem, Remain Adorable
Probably delivering some puppy chow. No big deal.
0:11 – JD Passes Out All Over His Texas Tuxedo
Clearly, he just received our angry fan mail about the way he treats Alcide.
0:20 – Salome Wants to "Birth a New World" With Bill
We really don't know if Bill is "Daddy Of The Year" material...
0:21 – Jason Wanders Around With a Rifle
Let's hope he doesn't accidentally kill anyone again. RIP Forever, Eggs.
0:22 – Tara Predicts a "Blood Bath"
You think? You're a vampire, girl — get with the program.
0:22 – Fabio-Style Vampire Invades Fangtasia, Makes Us LOL
We assume he'll glamour everyone with his fabulous hair.
0:23 – Random Fairy Tells Sookie That Vampires Are Taking Over the World
Not to labor the point, but 2012: It's happening, guys.
0:24 – Salome and Nora Pop Fang Erections
Sigh, is Eric wandering around naked again?
0:25 – Fabio Throws Pam Off Her Throne
Oh no he didn’t!
0:29 – Andy Points His Gun, Looks Concerned
As The NRA would say: Guns don't kill people, crazy vampires kill people.
0:29 – Jason Headbutts Alcide, World Explodes in Studliness
An epic battle between Ghost Daddy and Were Poppa? Count us in.
What's the good of having a demon baby if he can't even protect you from smoke monsters? Sigh.
0:31 – Sookie and Bill Have Sex, The World Goes Blind
We have so many feelings about this — and none of them are positive. Time to write in our Moleskine.