Good news, sexually frustrated fang girls. Sookie Stackhouse has finally finished the second chapter in her newest book “A Fairy Princess’ Guide to Safe Sex With a Viking Vampire,” and we have a sneak peak to get you geared up for True Blood’s season finale!

Warning: You may need a glass of water for re-hydration purposes.

1. Allow Viking Vampire to bite your juicy groin vein. Try not to pass out.

full size 1. Allow Viking Vampire to bite your juicy groin vein. Try not to pass out.
Credit: HBO

2. Have sex in your ex-boyfriend's back yard.

full size 2. Have Sex In Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Back Yard.
Credit: HBO

3. Do it on your grandmother’s heirloom rug.

full size 3. Do it on your grandmother’s heirloom rug.
Credit: HBO

4. Do it doggie style in a fun house (take care not to morph into an actual dog).

full size A Werewolf from True Blood
Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO
Photo:
A Werewolf from True Blood

5. Experiment with S&M.

full size 5. Experiment with S&M.
Credit: HBO

6. Get high from Viking Vampire bodily fluids.

full size 6. Get high from Viking Vampire bodily fluids.
Credit: HBO

7. Transport yourself to Santa’s work shop.

full size 7. Transport yourself to Santa’s work shop.
Credit: HBO

8. Fall asleep mid-kiss and refuse to share the blankets.

full size 8. Fall asleep mid-kiss and refuse to share the blankets.
Credit: HBO


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