Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Pam Beaufort in Episode 3.01, "Bad Blood"

Everything sounds better in a laid-back Southern drawl –– especially these doozies from True Blood season 3. Kick back with a cold one, binge eat a few bacon-fried hoe cakes and enjoy some blood-curdling quotes!

20. Pam: “Now, I don’t remember telling you lavender was my favorite color.”
Sookie: “I’m in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam. Where’s Bill?”
Um. We’re always in the mood for your lesbian weirdness, Pam.
(season 3, episode 1)

19. Andy (to Jason): “Conscience off, dick on!”
Words of wisdom for us all to live by.
(season 3, episode 1)

18. Bill (to Sam): “I hear the water in Arkansas is very hard.”
We wish Sam had never woken up from this dream....
(season 3, episode 1)

17. Jason: “It’s not you. It’s just every time I look at you I keep seeing these big ol’ bullet holes in your heads.”
College girls: “We’re out of here.”
Almost as good as the time Jason asked Sookie if Santa Claus was real.
(season 3, episode 1)

16. Tara: “Trash is as trash does.”
Arlene: “I’m sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn’t?”
Hookah, please.
(season 3, episode 1)

15. Talbot: “Excuse me gentlemen, I need to drain the second course. Carlo? Bring me that Thai boy”
Great new recipe idea for your next dinner party!
(season 3, episode 2)

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Eric & Sookie Share an Intimate Moment

 14. Eric (to Sookie): “I’ve got your rug all wet”
Well, if Sookie’s rug wasn’t wet before, it certainly is now. Sleazy swoon!
(season 3, episode 3)

13. Franklin: “Tara! Watch how fast I type motherf**ker!”
Seriously, so fast.
(season 3, episode 5)

12. Eric (to Sophie-Anne): “I will rip your head off and throw it in a pond, and I will have fun doing it.”
Oh snap!
(season 3, episode 6)

11. Eric (to Russell): “I enjoy a good head-ripping as much as the next vampire.”
So, like, a ton?
(season 3, episode 8)

10. Bill: Jessica, it’s over.
Jessica: No way.
Bill: Way.
LOL. (By the way, Bill, that means “laugh out loud.”)
(season 3, episode 8)

9. Russell: “We will eat you. After we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?”
We know he’s a baby-eater and all, but we love him so much it hurts.
(season 3, episode 9)

8. Lafayette (to Jesus): “Them f**kers is a whole new dimension of trash.”
Probably because they’re all doing it with their brothers and sisters. That and the buck teeth.
(season 3, episode 10)

 

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO Photo: Jessica Hamby in Season 3, Episode 3: "It Hurts Me Too"

7. Tommy (to Jessica): “Are you kidding? You gave me total wood.”
Let’s get real: Jessica totally gave all of us wood.
(season 3, episode 10)

6. Eric (to Sookie): “Here’s the truth. there are forces beyond even my control. If I met the true death without even having kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, that would be my biggest regret.”
Sookie seriously needs to bang Eric’s fang. Even if he did lock her up in a dungeon right after saying this.
(season 3, episode 10)

5. Pam (to Bill): “Get a clue Bill. This is not just about your relationship, you infatuated tween.”
Aw, poor Bill. He just wants to go steady and give Sookie his pin, or whatever dudes did back in 1865.
(season 3, episode 11)

4. Bill (to Sookie): “I’ll teach third grade and I’ll love my job!”
Uhhh, no one’s letting you go near any kids, Bill. Even if you weren’t a vampire.
(season 3, episode 11)

3. Pam (to Sookie): “Don’t leave me alone with this idiot immigrant!”
If by immigrant she means cardiologist poll-dancer.
(season 3, episode 11)

2. Eric (to Bill/Alcide): “If you two have finished eye-f**king each other, can we go?”
It’s so true. Eric and Alcide totally just mind-sexed each other.
(season 3, episode 12)

1. Bufort to Calvin: “Here ya go, uncle-daddy Calvin.”
This is all kinds of wrong. But even more kinds of right!
(season 3, episode 12)