It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “Soul of Fire” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Ranking: 1 (Last week: 9)
Gains: Sure, Marnie was shot to death, but this witch just won’t quit! She floated out of her body, presumably wandered around Bon Temps asking for directions to Lafayette’s house, and once she got there, hovered above Lala’s head for a while and then flew down his throat. In other words, she’s baaaaaaack!
Losses: Marnie has nothing to complain about. Her new body is even hotter than her old body.
ARLENE + TERRY
Ranking: 2 (Last week: 2)
Gains: Terry and Arlene were hardly in the episode, which really is for the best. The less air time, the less chance they have to be murdered, lit on fire, or otherwise harassed by lonely spirits.
Losses: Arlene had to sit through a detailed description of Andy’s erotic fairy frolic.
Ranking: 3 (Last week: 10)
Gains: Sam beat Marcus to a pulp and didn’t even get blamed for killing him, which means he is so getting laid tonight.
Losses: Sam’s an accessory to murder! Sigh, it’s time to take a trip to the alligator swamp.
Ranking: 4 (Last week: 1)
Gains: Now that Bill’s shot Marnie full of bullets, we finally recognize him as the blood-thirsty vampire we used to know and love. In other news, Queen Bill found himself a King: Eric Northman.
Losses: While Eric stood his ground and used his brute strength to combat Marnie’s vampire spell, Bill wailed and screamed as Jason held his hand. Negative manly points.
Ranking: 5 (Last week: 6)
Gains: Jason finally admitted his true feelings for Jess, which means she doesn’t have to wander around feeling like a used vile of V anymore.
Losses: Baby Vamp has nothing to cry about! She has the attention of a hot stud, she killed a few witches, and there’s still enough time in the day to get that manicure with Pam!
Ranking: 6 (Last week: 7)
Gains: Jason successfully stopped Bill and his crew from accidentally killing Sookie, and then he helped save Jessica from a wall of flames. Work it, Ghost Daddy!
Losses: Jason got himself blown up, but it was totally worth it. How else is he going to get high off Jessica’s bodily fluids? …Don’t answer that question.
Ranking: 7 (Last week: 3)
Gains: Eric seems rather existential and contemplative lately. Oh well, at least he remains the most studly vampire of all time!
Losses: Eric had to put Pam in time-out after she betrayed him and shot a bazooka at Sookie. Grounded for life!
Ranking: 8 (Last week: 8)
Gains: Tara’s finally been released from her hostage situation, but she’s still bitter, alone, angry, and has a mutated hand, so …
Losses: Little does Tara know that her favorite cousin has turned into her worst enemy!
Ranking: 9 (Last week: 5)
Gains: Sookie’s getting more and more powerful by the minute! Can you imagine what those fairy fingers could do during her inevitable threesome with Bill and Eric?
Losses: Sookie’s lovers have united under a common cause: How much they hate her, otherwise known as “F*cking Sookie.”
Ranking: 10 (Last week: 11)
Gains: Hoyt didn’t show his face in this episode, and therefor still doesn’t know about Jason and Jessica’s rendez-do.
Losses: Hoyt didn’t show his face in this episode, and therefore might be dead in a puddle of his own tears.
Ranking: 11 (Last week: 4)
Gains: Lafayette got to spend a few minutes cuddling with his boyfriend in some seriously sweet leopard print sheets, but other than that, his life is a total sh*t show.
Losses: Let’s break this hookah down. First, Lafayette witnessed a brutal murder. Then, he watched Jesus morph into what we imagine Tyra Banks looks like under all that makeup. After all that, he went home only to have the world’s most psychotic ghost jump down his throat.