It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “I Wish I Was the Moon” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Ranking: 1 (Last week: 1)
Gains: Let’s see: First, Eric felt up Sookie’s girl parts, then he kicked ass in a fang-off with Bill (making him look like a complete weakling), then he used his adorable amnesiac ways to evade the True Death, and ended up getting laid in the forest. It doesn’t get much better than that.
Losses: We’re not going to lie: Pre-amnesia Eric had better hair.
Ranking: 2 (Last week: 2)
Gains: The only way Sookie’s night would have been better is if she had pre-gamed with Alcide in the forest before being pounded by Eric. Better luck next time.
Losses: Sookie was fired from Merlotte’s. Eh, it’s not like she didn’t deserve it.
Ranking: 3 (Last week: 6)
Gains: It looks like God doesn’t have a personal vendetta against Jason after all, because instead of turning into a werepanther, Jason spend the night drinking brewskis, checking out Jessica’s cleave, and being complimented on his good looks and football skills.
Losses: Every time he scams on Jessica, Jason risks his friendship with Hoyt. Bros before hos, Ghost Daddy.
Ranking: 4 (Last week: 11)
Gains: Wow, Marnie’s really come up in the world! That is, if you think swallowing a ghost is something to be proud of. Marnie is finally at one with Antonia, and now she can do cool things like flash the “rock on” sign and make vamps fall to their knees.
Losses: Marnie/Antonia was sexually assaulted and eaten by a vampire back in the 16th century. She and Sookie have a lot to bond over (we’re looking at you, Bill).
Ranking: 5 (Last week: 7)
Gains: Tara had hot makeup sex with her girlfriend, and now she seems completely chill-axed. As Lafayette would say, “That’s the calming influence of that Asian pu**y at work.”
Losses: Just as Tara and Naomi were finally getting back on track, Pam and her terrifying face had to show up. We don’t know what happened, but our guess is that either Pam kills Naomi, or Naomi vomits in her mouth at the site of Pam, chokes, and then dies.
Ranking: 6 (Last week: 4)
Gains: Jessica is successfully distracting herself from what a bad girlfriend she is ...
Losses: … by flirting with her boyfriend’s best friend.
Ranking: 7 (Last week: 6)
Gains: Hoyt wasn’t exactly featured during this episode, but we’re going to assume he spent most of the day and night flexing his muscles.
Losses: His girlfriend’s boobs are his best friend’s happy place.
Ranking: 8 (Last week: 7)
Gains: Two words: Tio Luca is here. Lafayette has been possessed by the spirit of an ancient brujo in desperate need of a new hair style (nothing Lala can’t take handle with his curling iron) –– how can you top that?
Losses: He was forced to eat goat tongue.
Ranking: 9 (Last week: 10)
Gains: The only reason Sam’s not at the bottom of the pack is because of how royally screwed Bill, Arlene, and Terry are.
Losses: Hmmm, where to start? Sam’s apartment complex burned down, and then Tommy (as Sam) fired Merlotte’s sluttiest waitress, banged Sam’s girlfriend, and promptly vomited all over Sam’s house. Good times!
ARLENE + TERRY
Ranking: 10 (Last week: 9)
Gains: They’re alive.
Losses: Their baby’s imaginary friend is none too happy about it.
Ranking: 11 (Last week: 8)
Gains: Um ...
Losses: Bill was bested by his ex-girlfriend’s Viking lover and presumably spent the evening listening to them have sex in the woods. The dulcet tones of Neko Case are no match for the sound of a fairy princess in sextacy.