It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “Cold, Grey Light of Dawn” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Ranking: 1 (Last week: 4)
Gains: Where do we start? In the space of one episode, Marnie developed a sexy Spanish accent, gathered a coven, lit some candles WITH HER MIND, caused a windstorm, killed a few vamps, and levitated for no apparently reason.
Losses: Unfortunately, being possessed doesn’t mean you’ll morph into the 16th century babe who possessed you.
Ranking: 2 (Last week: 8)
Gains: Marnie’s not the only witch with a ghost up in her body. Who else thinks Lafaluca will be even more powerful that Antonarnie?
Losses: He spent his trip to Mexico listening to an old man bone his pregnant wife.
Ranking: 3 (Last week: 2)
Gains: Sookie spent anywhere from 6-24 hours having sex.
Losses: She’s probably going to need reconstructive surgery in her girl parts after what Eric put her through.
Ranking: 4 (Last week: 3)
Gains: Jason spends his evenings working out, fantasizing about redheads, and eating sloppy Joes. How could life get better?
Losses: Jason face-planted on Bill’s front lawn in an effort to save Jessica from meeting the sun. Guess those push-ups aren’t really paying off.
ARLENE + TERRY
Ranking: 5 (Last week: 10)
Gains: Terry and Arlene have really come up in the world. They managed to make it through an entire episode without their baby trying to kill them, and they have a comfortable place to stay at the Bellefluer mansion!
Losses: It appears that Baby Mikey is being inhabited by the spirit of a French night club singer.l, other than Luna’s always-naked chest.
Ranking: 6 (Last week: 1)
Gains: After three years of wanting nothing more than to rip off Sookie’s booty shorts and pound her, Eric finally got to fang bang his fairy princess ... in every position imaginable. This vamp may have lost his memory, but he’s nothing if not creative.
Losses: Poor Eric was chained up in silver and almost met the sun! Thank goodness Sookie and her see-through shirt were there to comfort him.
Ranking: 7 (Last week: 9)
Gains: Now that Luna knows Sam didn’t unceremoniously kick her out of his trailer, they can go back to being the second hottest couple in Bon Temps.
Losses: Sam’s one remaining family member betrayed him, and now he has nothing to lean on. Well, other than Luna’s always-naked chest.
Ranking: 8 (Last week: 5)
Gains: Tara is finally hanging out with the right people. And by “the right people” we mean a group of pot-smoking hippies who are way too into decorative candles. At least she now has the means to kick vampire ass. After all, those blood suckers have put her through enough!
Losses: Tara was forced to break up with Naomi (or “Yellow Tail,” as Pam so lovingly called her) to save both their lives. Will this girl ever find truebie love? Thank God she’s bisexual — it really opens up the dating pool.
Ranking: 9 (Last week: 7)
Gains: He’s not dead, burnt to a crisp, rotting, a werepanther, a werewolf, or an inbred.
Losses: He’s hardly ever on the show, and when he does show up it’s to get his heart broken.
Ranking: 10 (Last week: 11)
Gains: Bill and Jessica had an adorable father-daughter bonding session wherein he chained her to a bed and they chatted about their relationship problems. It doesn’t get much romantic then that!
Losses: Bill’s sex-buddy, Katerina, was murdered, which means he has no one to bang except his granddaughter Portia, or his regular daughter Jessica.
Ranking: 11 (Last week: 6)
Gains: She’s managed to find Bon Temps’ local Urban Outfitters (cute hipster sandals, Jess!).
Losses: She is most likely a victim of Death By Sunburn.