It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “Let's Get Out of Here” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Ranking: 1 (Last week: 1)
Gains: Marnie has officially infiltrated the vampireverse, and she’s turning our favorite vamps against each other! A world where Eric is trying to kill Bill is … well, it’s basically the world we already live in.
Losses: Witch, please! This lady has nothing to be unhappy about — well, aside from the fact that her entire coven is afraid of her except for some blazed up Phish-loving hippie.
Ranking: 2 (Last week: 6)
Gains: Sookie seriously can’t get through one episode without having crazy sex, even when she’s sleeping. We thought nothing could top her and Eric’s snowy fun, but her three-way with Bill and “The Blonde One” tops everything. Unfortunately they remained clothed, but we’ll take what we can get!
Losses: One of Sookie’s vampire crushes is about to kill the other. Ugh, boy problems, right?
Ranking: 3 (Last week: 3)
Gains: Lafayette finally had Mavis’ spirit exorcised from his body! Which means he can go back to being slightly less girly than he was when he actually had a girl living in him.
Losses: Not gonna lie, we kind of miss Lafayavis. But no worries, it’s only a matter of time before Lala accidentally eats another ghost for lunch.
ARLENE + TERRY
Ranking: 4 (Last week: 9)
Gains: The crazy lady who stole their baby has finally gone up to heaven!
Losses: They’re still homeless and living in Andy’s V-vile littered room — not to mentioned were seriously worried about the state of Terry’s hair. Maybe Lafayette can recommend a stylist after he gets his body purged of lingering spirits!
Ranking: 5 (Last week: 2)
Gains: He got to have hot sex with Sookie! But Bill was totally cock blocking him, so …
Losses: Poor Eric just wants to cuddle in bed and cry all over Sookie’s rack, but now he belongs to Marnie and spent the evening disemboweling innocent humans. Sookie does not approve.
Ranking: 6 (Last week: 4)
Gains: Jason’s the kind of guy who’s probably always wanted to have sex in his truck, and now that dream is a reality! His fangbang with Jessica was truly, madly, deeply sexy.
Losses: Taylor Swift was their love making soundtrack. No offense to Tay Tay (loves her!), but it’s not exactly a sex soundtrack he can brag to his best friend about. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a best friend anymore.
Ranking: 7 (Last week: 5)
Gains: Sam finally got a chance to bang his girlfriend … in a tent right next to her daughter. Now that we think of it, maybe it’s not such a bad idea that Marcus take over custody of Emma.
Losses: If Sam doesn’t step up to the plate and forgive Tommy, he’ll be in danger of losing his only remaining family member. Tommy feels terrible about morphing into Sam and sexing up his girlfriend, and now he’s dead-set on fighting Sam’s battles. Emphasis on the dead.
Ranking: 8 (Last week: 10)
Gains: She finally got that hot rebound sex she was hoping for!
Losses: She lost our respect.
Ranking: 9 (Last week: 7)
Gains: Bill can turn that frown upside down because Sookie’s finally realized that she still has feelings for him! Now if only he could grow a few inches and start waxing his chest so he actually stands a chance against Eric.
Losses: Where to begin? It wasn’t bad enough that Eric stole Bill’s girlfriend, then he had to best him in a fang-off, and now he’s trying to kill him during his big night on stage. Not only that, but Bill is at odds with his puppet master, Nan, and we’re worried she’s going to have him executed Sophie-Ann style.
Ranking: 10 (Last week: 8)
Gains: We have nothing positive to say about this girl’s life.
Losses: Remember back when we thought Tara would be all bad-ass and empowered this season? Now she’s locked up in a room full of bean bags and votive candles, and one of her hands has third degree burns all over it.
Ranking: 11 (Last week: 11)
Gains: Three simple letters describe Hoyt’s current girlfriend-less misery spiral: FML.
Losses: 1) Hoyt is living alone in a house fit for an 80-year-old woman. 2) Hoyt’s girlfriend is sexing his best friend. 3) Hoyt just gave away his only copy of Taylor Swift’s Speak Now.