True Blood is officially over, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play as we head into Season 5.
Check out the most powerful players from “And When I Die” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Ranking: 1 (Last week: 5)
Gains: Jessica managed to find a Halloween pop-up shop in Bon Temps City Center that specializes in slutty interpretations of Grimm Brothers fairy tales. She also looks amazing sans clothes, which has inspired us to rejoin our local gyms in a fit of jealousy.
Losses: Jessica could barely focus on fangbanging Jason because she kept bringing up Hoyt’s name. Is she still in love with her ex? Bummer, because Hoyt definitely wants to drive a stake into Jess’ black heart.
Ranking: 2 (Last week: 3)
Gains: Sam threw the best funeral ever! First he got himself a new “mom,” then he scored a free pork rind pie (yum!), and then he made out with his girlfriend for a while. Dead Tommy’s just like, “Um, guys? R-E-S-P-E-C-T.”
Losses: We’re pretty sure Ghost Marcus is back from the dead and he’s none too happy about Sam sucking face with his baby mama.
Ranking: 3 (Last week: 6)
Gains: Jason got to have sex with Jessica while she was dressed up like a Transylvanian prostitute, and then he ate an ice cream bar. That, truebie friends, is what we call #winning.
Losses: Jason was beaten to a pulp by his best friend in the world, who now hates him even more than we hate Debbie Pelt. Also, we’re pretty sure Vampire Newlin either wants to kill Jason or have sex with him, both of which are horrifying.
ARLENE + TERRY
Ranking: 4 (Last week: 2)
Gains: Terry reunited with his old war buddy!
Losses: Arlene was harassed by the ghost of her dead baby daddy, which is her worst nightmare come true. On the other hand, she should be happy that her daughter has such good taste in Halloween costumes.
Ranking: 5 (Last week: 7)
Gains: After sexing his way through most of Bon Temps’ population of fangbangers, Eric has finally seen the light that is “Bric.” Bill and Eric are both vampire royalty, they’re both hot to trot, and they both have one thing in common: their love for Sookie.
Losses: Eric got broken up with. Eh, nothing he can’t bounce back from.
Ranking: 6 (Last week: 4)
Gains: Bill finally manned up and killed Nan Flanagan!
Losses: He found out that Eric also owns what he thought were one-of-a-kind limited edition silk pajamas. Oh, and Sookie broke up with him. Again.
Ranking: 7 (Last week: 10)
Gains: Have you even been watching True Blood lately? This stud has nothing to be happy about.
Losses: Hoyt found out that his best friend’s been sleeping with his girlfriend in all sorts of un-kosher positions.
Ranking: 8 (Last week: 1)
Gains: Marnie satiated her thirst for blood by stabbing Jesus in the heart and hacking up a few of Bill’s security guards with an axe. Oh, and she got to see Bill and Eric shirtless. What more could this witch want?
Losses: First, Marnie was out-spelled by a fairy, then some bra-less old lady reach down Lafayette’s throat, pulled her out, and threw her to the ground, and then she got yelled at by a bunch of ghosts. Basically, her after-life sucks.
Ranking: 9 (Last week: 9)
Gains: Alcide wants to bone her.
Losses: Sookie wandered around Bon Temps with an unfortunate low-bun, got rejected by her grandmother, broke up with both her boyfriends, sobbed alone on a porch, murdered someone, and watched her best friend die. Sh*t life.
Ranking: 10 (Last week: 11)
Gains: Too hot to handle.
Losses: He accidentally-on-purpose killed his own boyfriend.
Ranking: 11 (Last week: 8)