It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “Me And The Devil” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
Ranking: 1 (Last week: 3)
Gains: Eric’s night involved getting his head pet by Sookie, being the little spoon in a hardcore cuddle session, hooking up with his new mother figure, and being a huge adorable baby!
Losses: Eric had a nightmare that made him cry (tears of blood). Sad face!
Ranking: 2 (Last week: 1)
Gains: This girl has it all. When she’s not curling her hair and putting on flirty sun dresses, she’s chatting with her dead grandma and making out with Vikings. She could get all her fairy blood drained from her body and she’d still be the luckiest lady in the world.
Losses: Tara’s mad at her, but really, who needs friends when you have Eric Northman?
Ranking: 3 (Last week: 5)
Gains: Hoyt’s looking hunkier than ever, and now that Jason’s taking a break from his Ghost Daddy duties, they have an opportunity to work on their bromance.
Losses: His girlfriend is the porn star of his best friend’s sex dreams.
Ranking: 4 (Last week: 6)
Gains: Jessica is getting her groove on in Jason’s fantasies — and dang, hookah sure knows how to talk dirty.
Losses: Jess and Hoyt’s relationship is rapidly deteriorating. She should probably try to glamour herself into forgetting what a terrible girlfriend she is.
Ranking: 5 (Last week: 8)
Gains: Lala has finally realized what’s good for him and gotten the hell out of the podunk town he lives in. Not only that, but he found time to curl his corn rows into ringlets!
Losses: His vacation to Mexico is going to be less eating fish tacos by the beach and more stabbing goats and drinking their blood next to a hugely pregnant lady and an old bearded man. But who knows? Maybe that’s his jam.
Ranking: 6 (Last week: 9)
Gains: Jason’s panther-inflicted wounds have healed, and he’s having a secret affair with his best friend’s girl. In his mind.
Losses: It’s almost the full moon, which means Jason will most likely turn into a Ghost Daddy! Oh, and apparently, God has a personal vendetta against him.
Ranking: 7 (Last week: 7)
Gains: Seriously, this girl has nothing to be fist-pumping about.
Losses: Tara’s girlfriend is probably going to break up with her (note to self: never change name to Toni), and the one person she can count on in Bon Temps has betrayed her. Will Tara ever find happiness?
Ranking: 8 (Last week: 11)
Gains: Even though the witch sitch is out of control, Bill is finally doing his part to get a handle on things. Plus he has crazy cool video chat equipment and an underground dungeon that Eric’s dirty dreams are made of.
Losses: Bill found out that Eric’s been shacking up with Sookie. Did you see the way his mouth was quivering in rage? We didn’t even know lips could do that.
ARLENE + TERRY
Ranking: 9 (Last week: 10)
Gains: They had hot sex.
Losses: Their house is about to burn down because of it.
Ranking: 10 (Last week: 4)
Gains: Uh ... he has a pack of marshmallows to snack on?
Losses: The tides have turned for Sam. He might have a hot girlfriend, but instead of having sex with her, he spent his night watching his parents get eaten by alligators. But it’s nothing he can’t bounce back from!
Ranking: 11 (Last week: 2)
Gains: We’re going to be honest: Things aren’t looking up.
Losses: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. First Marnie was left in the middle of the forest for dead, then she made her way back to The Moon Goddess Emporium where Sookie was way harsh with her, was promptly kidnapped by Bill, interrogated, and transported to the Spanish Inquisition. It’s like, how many history lessons does this broad need?