Oh, Bon Temps. Between the frolicking fairies, the rampant incest and the public fornication, we don’t know how every trailer-dwelling hillbilly in this town hasn’t been arrested. Oh right, because the police department consists of a V junkie and a sex addict.
Come with Wetpaint Entertainment on a bodily fluid-strewn journey into Bon Temps’ city center as one of our favorite baby vamps meets the sun for the first time!
Love You Inside Out!
Now that Marnie’s officially gone bat-crazy and eaten Antonia for lunch, she’s more powerful than ever — and she’s threatening to force Bon Temps’ vamps out into the light of day! Bill’s security member/sex buddy Katerina goes downstairs to check on Marnie and is shocked to find Sheriff Lois giving her a bloody hickey.
Of course, Antonia is actually controlling Lois’ every move, and she promptly forces him to kill Katerina and shoot Bill. Say what? Don’t worry Truebies, Lois has terrible aim and hits Bill in the stomach, giving his majesty just enough energy to stake him.
Jessica heads over to Bill’s palace to chat about Antonia, and he tells his sheriffs that the only way to protect themselves from her day-walking spell is to bind themselves in silver for the day. Sounds all kinds of painful.
Meanwhile, Sookie and Eric are having sex. Still. In every single position possible. Up against walls, on the kitchen floor, in front of mirrors –– name the place, ten to one they’ve soiled it. After their all-night-fangbang, Sookie and Eric cuddle up in bed and he listens to her heart beat while they chat about their future. Will Sookie still love Eric once he regains his memory? That remains to be seen, but he’d rather have no memories than risk losing her. At this point, we’re clutching our life-size Eric cut-out and weeping onto its cardboard six pack.
Later that night, Bill pays a visit to Sookie’s house, and after Eric implies that he spent all night boning Sookie up and down Bon Temps, Bill tells Eric to lock himself in silver. Uhm, Eric and Sookie plus some silver chains? Bill might not know it, but he just gave them the ultimate sex toy.
Sookie shackles up her Viking King while he screams in pain, and then they spoon the day away and talk about how much they care about each other. Ah-mazing.
Back at the palace, King Bill chains Jessica and himself in silver, and they have a father-daughter bonding moment of epic proportions while they both bleed out of their ears. We know they’re blood-related and all, but who else thinks these two would make a cute couple? After all, it’s only a matter of time before Jessica breaks it off with Hoyt, and Bill’s only romantic prospect right now is his granddaughter. It’s meant to True-be!
The Boy Who Lived
So... it turns out Mexico isn’t the celebrity splattered vacation destination we thought it was. But apparently it is the place to go if you want to swallow a few ghosts and eat tongue. As Lafayette tries to come to terms with the fact that there’s a long-haired crazy man named Tio Luca living inside him, Jesus’ gramps reveals that Lala’s also a Medium and “has the magic.” Yep, he’s basically the Harry Potter of Bon Temps.
After Jesus gives Lala the back story on Tio Luca (he was a magical, life-saving Brujo), they head back stateside where Lala pops a feather in his ear, breaks out a fancy fan and gets to work at Merlotte’s. Of course, he makes the mistake of saying “hi” to Baby Mikey and comes face-to-face with the baber’s imaginary friend. Sigh, this guy just can’t catch a supernatural break.
Meanwhile, Sam heads down to Luna’s school, and they both realize that Tommy skin-walked and banged her. Oh no he didn’t! Sam immediately kicks Tommy out of the house, but we feel sort of bad. Tommy just wants to be loved... by hot girls who happen to be dating his brother.
Over at Merlotte’s, Andy shows up all spiffed out in a suit for dinner with Holly, but unfortunately their hot date takes a turn for the worse when he has extreme V withdrawal symptoms and ditches her to get his blaze on. Date fail.
Debbie and Alcide meet up with the local Shreveport werepack for a run-of-the-mill initiation ceremony. You know, some deer blood and plenty of howling –– just like a typical fraternity rush. Toga, toga!
Too bad Alcide can’t get into the party spirit because he’s so worried about Sookie wandering around in the forest during a full moon. Clearly, he doesn’t know her penchant for getting down and dirty in the most literal sense. Debbie and Alcide sniff around the forest looking for Sookie and –– surprise, surprise –– find her and her “O” face making Viking love.
The next day, Alcide and Debbie try to have sex, but she’s too worried that Alcide’s scamming on Sookie to concentrate. Either Alcide’s a really good liar or he legitimately loves his were-gal, because when he tells Deb that she’s the one for him, we kind of believe him. Seriously, who in Bon Temps isn’t happily in love? Oh yeah, Bill. Awkward....
Over in The House of Ghost Daddy, Jason’s busy trying to reclaim his title of Best Body In Bon Temps, but his dirty dreams about Jessica keep distracting him from his fist pumps. Hoyt knocks on the door to chat about Jason’s mental health (after all, G-diddy was raped repeatedly by a bunch of teenage inbreds), but Jason feels too uncomfortable about his feelings for Jess to real-talk. So, what does he do? Cook up some sloppy joes to alleviate the tension. Works every time!
Here Comes the Sun!
Don’t worry, Truebies, we haven’t forgotten about Pam. How could we? The image of her decaying face is forever burned in our retinas. Pam is even less happy about her appearance than we are, and she seems to think Tara is personally responsible for turning her into a not-so-hot mess.
Luckily, some evangelical Fellowship of The Sun worshippers catch Pam trying to kill Tara and Naomi, so she’s forced to run away and get a chemical peel that makes Joan Rivers’ look like child’s play.
Tara breaks up with Naomi in order to protect her, and is walking down some random road with a bottle of alcohol as her only companion when she runs into Maryann and her pet pig. Wait, no –– that was last time Tara was wandering around drunk. This time, Tara meets up with Antonia, who convinces her to gather a group of witches together so they can take down the local vamps. Sounds simple enough.
Tara, Holly and some hippie Wiccans meet at Antonia’s palm reading shop and Antonia pumps them up with inspirational musings about how they’ll be raped and murdered if they don’t join her. (Way to get a group motivated, girlfriend!)
As the group chants, Antonia floats into the sky, a wind starts blowing, and suddenly all the vampires in Bon Temps are filled with the urge to walk out into the sun! Mrs. Fortenberry witnesses her neighbor (who she never knew was a vamp) explode into flames, Eric writhes around in pain as Sookie comforts him, and Jessica manages to break free of her chains! Nooooooooo!
Across the graveyard, Jason senses that Jess is in trouble, but will he get to her before she burns into a crisp? Tune in next week to an all new True Blood to find out!