Credit: Photo via Facebook Photo: Bill and Nan Flanagan Butt Fangs!

Are you dying to know whether that bullet hole that ripped through Sookie’s stomach snuffed out her fairy spirit once and for all? Then check out Wetpaint Entertainment’s recap of True Blood season 4, episode 9: “Let’s Get Out Of Here!

Sad Face Warning: Eric and Sookie do not have snow sex in this episode.

Vamp-nage a Trois

When we last saw Sookie, she was passed out in a puddle of her own blood, all “Well, at least I boned a Viking on a dead animal pelt before I died!” This episode picks up right where we left off: With Alcide scooping up the Sookster in his bulging arms and carrying her off into the night.

Alcide takes Sookie to her house, where Bill promptly joins them, gives Sook his blood, and suggests to Alcide that they “pray for her.” Wow, what the hell happened to this vamp?

Once Bill manages to heal Sookie, she wakes up alone on her couch, wearing a slutty red robe and “do-me” heels. V-trip time! Sookie’s buzz gets interrupted when Eric knocks on her front door for an afternoon delight, and things only get more freaky-deaky when Bill shows up to get in on the action.

We always knew Willy had a thing for Eric!

Credit: HBO Photo: STILL: Sookie, Eric and Bill in her fantasy dream in 4.09

Oh wait, it’s just a dream. But at least Sookie realizes that she’s still in love with Bill! Girls just want to have fun, and apparently Sookie’s idea of a good time is having two vampires suck blood out of her neck.

Back in the real world, Bill heads home only to find Nan Flanagan, who’s none too happy about the fact that Bill let the Bon Temps Witch Sitch get out of hand. Nan’s even more pissed when she finds out that Eric’s missing, but she refuses to cancel the upcoming Festival of Tolerance because too many bloggers are waiting for Bill’s speech.

Wow, considering that Nan made Bill king, she certainly seems to hate his vampire guts. It’s probably because she wishes he’d dress more like her: in leather jackets with shoulder pads.  

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

After Alcide leaves Sookie’s pad, he runs home and proceeds to take off all his clothes (pshaw, real men don’t wear pajamas!) and crawls into bed with Debbie. How adorable!

Too bad Deb’s developed crazy yellow eyes as a result of her jealousy issues, and the next morning she buys V off some Shreveport hillbilly. Oh no, this bitch is using again!  

Debbie gets high and shows up at Sookie’s house to offer her help, which Sookie’s more than willing to take her up on –– once she reads Deb’s mind to make sure she’s not all rabid and crazy. Which she is.

Credit: Facebook Photo: Luna Looks Gorgeous in Season 4

Meanwhile, Luna is worried that Marcus will come back and harrass her and Emma, so Sam suggests the three of them go on a camping trip.

That’s right, Sam “Barbie Lover” Merlotte packs Luna and Emma into a truck and hauls them off into the woods where they camp out by a glittery lake and Sam morphs into a bunny so Emma can pet him. We can’t. Even.

Oh, and then Sam and Luna have crazy sex in their tent. You can go ahead and send Sam your therapy bills, Emma.

Marcus isn’t happy about Luna and Sam’s bunnie banging, so he heads down to Merlotte’s to invite Sam to a were vs. shifter throwdown.

Since Sam’s not at the bar, Marcus delivers his message to Tommy and then hits up Alcide for some help in teaching Sam a lesson.

Credit: HBO Photo: STILL: Alcide and Marcus in episode 4.09

Of course, Sam never gets Marcus’ message because he’s too busy traumatizing Emma with his primal sex noises, so Tommy morphs into his bro and meets Marcus in Sam’s place.

Despite Alcide’s protests, Marcus and his were-bros beat “Sam” up so badly that he changes back into Tommy and has to be rescued by Alcide. Yep, that’s the second time in one episode that Alcide has to carry someone like an infant in his huge arms.

Haunted

Don’t you hate it when you’re innocently packing up your ex-girlfriend’s collection of Twilight novels and Taylor Swift CDs and then your possessed friend and his stolen baby come in and hold you up at gun point?

Because that’s exactly what happens to Hoyt when Lafayavis (Lafayette + Mavis) shows up at his pad with Baby Mikey and a gun. Sigh, we’ve all been there.

Arlene and Terry head over to Hoyt’s house with Jason and a high-as-a-kite Andy to get Baby M back from Lafayavis, but this particular she-male doesn’t want to be exorcised. Commence OK Corral-style gunfight.

Luckily, Jesus shows up before anyone gets shot, and convinces Mavis that she’s inhabiting Lala’s body (which she refuses to believe until she grabs Lafayette’s junk and is like, “Aww, hells no”).

Credit: Photo via Facebook Photo: Jesus Tries to Exorcise Lafayette!

Jesus helps Mavis remember her last moments of life, and after she gives Arlene and Terry their baby back, they find the spot where Mavis and her child were buried.

As Lafayavis holds her dead baby’s corpse, we simultaneously cry and vomit and, of course, Mavis starts humming. Seriously, does this lady know any other songs?

Since Mavis seems slightly less crazed than usual, Jesus decides it’s high time to send her and her infant back from whence they came (fairy land? Narnia? Who knows), and he exorcises Mav’s spirit out of Lafayette.

OMG, it’s all so beautiful and effed up!

Credit: HBO Photo: STILL: Jason with Jessica's box in episode 4.09

After Lafayette get exorcised, Jason heads over to Bill’s house to give Jessica her stuff back on Hoyt’s behalf, and after a few minutes of flirting they have a crazy fangbang in the back of his truck while Taylor Swift’s “Haunted” plays.

Yes, you read that right. Taylor “My hair is made of angels” Swift.

Kill Bill

Marnie (aka She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) is all hopped up from her vampire graveyard smack-down, so she decides it’s high time to rid the world of fangers once and for all by infiltrating The Festival of Tolerance and killing Bill.

Unfortunately, the rest of Marnie’s coven are a little freaked out about her control issues. Do we sense a mutiny on our hands?

Credit: HBO Photo: STILL: Eric under a spell in 4.09

Debbie and Sookie hatch a plan and show up at Marnie’s Wicca Emporium on the night of the festival so Deb can pretend to pledge her allegiance to Marnie while Sookie sneaks in the back to try to rescue Eric. Except he won't go with her, 'cause he's got a mission: to kill the king!

Of course, then Debbie gets nervous talking to Marnie and ends up selling Sookie out, but Tara helps Sook escape out the back. Marnie’s just like “Yawn, bitches be trippin’” and proceeds to lock her entire coven up at her emporium while she, Eric and a few faithful hippies head over to the Festival of Tolerance to get their fight on.

Over at the festival, Bill and Nan are listening to some random little girl whine about vampire rights, when Marnie shows up and bewitches the vampire sheriffs of Louisiana.

As Bill takes the mic and gives his much-anticipated speech, Eric and his homies disembowel Bill’s security team and wreak havoc as Fellowship of The Sun worshippers catch everything on tape.

Credit: HBO Photo: STILL: Sookie screams in episode 4.09

Oh, and then Sookie shows up at the last minute and is all “RUUUUUN.” Because that’s always a helpful thing to yell. Get it, girl.

 


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