Credit: HBO

The only thing more delicious than True Blood is a steaming bowl of gumbo, and even that pales in comparison to this week's mouth-watering episode.

Not only did we learn the truth about God (hint: He has fangs), Bill kept us entertained with his constant pearl-clutching, and Steve Newlin busted out some killer dance moves.

Time to slip into your Spanx and enjoy the ride! (We like to look our best for Eric, mmmk?)

California Dreamin'

Snoop Dogg said it best: Oh, Sookie. Girl, what were you thinking? Sure, turning Tara into a vampire seemed like a great idea at the time, but now Bon Temps has to deal with one more deranged blood-sucker who may or may not be missing part of her brain.

Sookie and Lafayette are way out of their element when Tara pops out of her grave, and she spends most of this episode smashing Sookie's dishes and bitch-slapping herself in angst. Will Sookie's kitchen ever catch a break?

Tara needs to get herself together before she accidentally kills someone, so Lafayette lets her drink from his arm while Sookie chains her up in the basement for a vamp-nap.

Then, Sookie heads to some backwoods vampire store and buys a giant stake and colloidal silver  — which she accidentally sprays Tara with when she wakes up the next evening, causing her to run away in fear.

Sigh, major fail.

Credit: HBO

Meanwhile, Lafayette is having a life crisis (probably because he shaved off his fauxhawk, so tragic), and Sookie catches him trying to pity-stake Tara. Don't do it, hookah!

(Also, can we please talk about Lala's amazing cowl neck sweater? These are his mourning clothes, people.)

To make matters worse, Pam wants nothing to do with her new kiddo — mostly because she's too busy having flashbacks to ye olden times when she was a madame in San Francisco. Turns out Pam was managing a whore house when she met Eric, and he saved her life after she was attacked by a perverted serial killer. 

And yes, Eric looks amazing wearing a top hat, how could you even ask?  

 

Are You There Vampire God? It's Me, Beel

You guys, Eric and Bill are so terrible at escaping, it's not even funny. Probably because one of them is too busy having sex with his sister to pay attention, not to name names (cough, ericyouperv, cough).

Last time we checked in on our budding bromancers they had been captured by a SWAT team, and this week they're led to The Authority's headquarters in New Orleans.

Credit: HBO

Here's what goes down: First, Nora attempts to lie her fangs off to Salome (yep, the same Salome who had John the Baptist beheaded in The Bible), and then the three amigos get shoved in a jail cell only to be subjected to ultraviolet lights ("The suuuuuuuuuuuun!").

Turns out The Authority is convinced that Eric, Bill and Nora are secretly working for fundamentalist Bible thumpers, so they let a creepy German interrogator pump their veins full of silver during an interrogation session.

Now, hold onto your doo-rag, because it's time for Bible studies, Truebie style. And we're not talking about Adam and Eve's sexy time in the Garden of Eden, we're talking about The Vampire Bible, which states that Vampire Lilith was made in God's image. Oh, and that God himself is a vampire! That's right, The Man Upstairs wants to eat you.

Apparently, The Vampire Bible predates both the Old and New Testament, and The Authority is fighting against fundamentalists who take it literally and think humans only exist to nourish vampires.

Credit: HBO

Obviously, Eric and Bill are too busy nourishing their love affair to have time for Bible-thumping, but The Authority and their leader, Roman (aka Agent Stabler), want to kill them anyway.

Bill and Eric watch as Roman feeds his chancellors blood from his wrist (totally standard way to conduct a business meeting), and then Bill almost meets The True Death!

 

Luckily, he busts out his smooth-talking alter-ego, Hard Hearted Hannah, and buys himself and Eric a few more breaths of life by revealing that Russell Edgington is alive!

Oh, also — Russell update: He's currently lying in a bed surrounded by body parts. You can send him "get well soon" cards at 123 I Will Eat Your Children Boulevard.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Time for more cannibalism, courtesy of Louisiana's finest hillbilly werewolves. Never change, y'all. Last week, the podunk pack decided it was probably a good idea to eat Marcus' body — and bonus! Alcide is their new leader.

The catch? He has to feast on Marcus' remains, which (thank the truebie lords) he has no intention of doing. Instead, Alcide makes some guttural noises and gets into an argument with a crazy old dude wearing a Texas Tuxedo.

Meanwhile, poor Sam is a broken man, and don't even get us started on the state of his spirit animals. Luna takes him back to her pad to recuperate, and how does he thank her? By letting Marcus' crazy mom, Martha, into the house for a bonding session with Emma.

Luckily, Luna throws her out and promptly breaks up with Sam for daring to have an opinion (studs are to be seen and not heard), but she might regret her decision. That's right, Emma has morphed into an adorable werewolf puppy. Awww!

In other news, it looks like our good pal Terry might be insane in the membrane. Or he's just prophetic. Either way, he's taken to sleepwalking while muttering philosophical musings like "we're all gonna die."

Chalk it up to PTSD if you want, but we think something supernaturally sinister is happening beneath his man-tank, and so does Arlene.

Luckily, Terry realizes it's time to make some ch-ch-ch-changes, and he and Patrick make plans to find their long-lost pyromaniac war buddy.

Meanwhile, it looks like the Bon Temps' police force have finally realized that bitches be dying. And by "bitches" we mean Debbie the Werewolf.

Andy and Jason go on patrol and come across Debbie's abandoned car a few miles away from Sookie's house, and Andy picks up the investigation scent!

But enough about Andy, let's talk about Bon Temps' hunkiest sheriff, Jason Stackhouse — who is seriously starting to regret his sexcapades, especially when he gets punched in the face by some random townie whose mom he slept with!

Oh, and if you're wondering what Steve Newlin's up to, he's busy having dance parties with Jessica at Bill's mansion and popping "fang boners" at the thought of Jason's rock-hard assets. Love him!


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