Credit: HBO

Oh, Bon Temps, you podunk supernatural hillbilly hot zone, you. This week, things get even more freaky in our favorite backwoods town — Bill and Eric are more in love than ever, Sookie gets her drank on, and two sexually frustrated hotties finally hook up. In short, it's an hour of nonstop jaw-drops.

The Truebie Death

Everyone stop what you're doing (binge-eating gumbo) — Bill and Eric are back in Bon Temps! The Authority drop off these budding bromancers in the middle of nowhere, and their mission? To find out who rescued Russell Edgington or die trying. Bill and Eric head to Fangtasia to come up with a plan (read: make sexy eyes at each other), and who should wander in but Pam and her progeny, Tanning Mom!

While Bill takes Tara to Eric's office to dish some wise words of vampire wisdom in his hilarious Southern accent, Eric interrogates Pam about Russell's escape and makes her cry bloody tears. How can you think Pam would betray you, Eric? It's like you don't even remember that time you guys totally bonded in a 19th century whore house.

While Eric and Pam real-talk, Bill peaces out and heads over to his palace, where he and Jessica search for "bugs." Wow, Bill, paranoid much? Bill ends up finding a joint from Jessica's party circa last week, but he's just like, "Whatever, rolling with my homies!" Sigh, William. We love it when you try to be a cool dad.

Meanwhile, back at Fangtasia, Eric realizes that he needs to release Pam in order to keep her safe, and you know what that means. She's crying, he's crying (on the inside), and we're pretty much doubled over on the floor sobbing into a bag of Slim Jims. Damn you, The Authority!

Speaking of The Authority, ish is getting realer than real over in New Orleans. Roman is convinced that there is a Sanguanista mole amongst his chancellors, so he and Salome head to Nora's cell to get their interrogation on. Poor Nora is a shadow of her former incest-loving self, but she finally agrees to spill her secrets when Roman threatens to kill Eric and Bill with his iPhone ap.

So, who is the traitor? None other than that creepy little vampire child Drew, whom Roman promptly kills with a giant stake made from the tree Judas hanged himself from. That's right, biblical references are all up in this episode. 

Credit: HBO

If You Like Pina Colada!

Time to check in on Sookie, because you guys? Things aren't looking good. Now that the Sookster has realized that murdering townies isn't nearly as fun as it looks, she dives headfirst into a shame spiral and tries to make Jason arrest her. When that plan fails, she heads home only to get into a car accident because Lafayette accidentally morphed into a Brujo and made crazy eyes at her engine.

Clearly, Sookie needs to get her mind off all this WTF-ery, so she drowns her sorrows in vodka and ends up completely sloshed and singing about "graveyard sex." Wow, girlfriend has some serious issues — maybe she needs to have a pep talk from Bill, who is so wise lately.

But forget Bill and his middle-parted hair of horror; it's time for Sookie to go on the rebound with Alcide, aka that dude whose girlfriend she just killed. Alcide shows up at Sookie's house to tell her that Debbie's parents think their daughter was murdered by Marcus (phew!), and then he throws back a few and ends up making out with Sook on her couch. Apparently, nothing turns this werewolf on more than a drunken murderer in booty shorts.

Oh, and cut to Bill and Eric lurking outside Sookie's window, like the Peeping Toms that they are.

So, did Sookie just get out of jail free? Alcide has Debbie's parents off the scent, and Jessica does Sookie a solid by glamouring Andy into forgetting about the entire case. Looks like Tinkerbell just got off scot-free, and rightfully so. Everyone else in this town gets away with murder, matricide, patricide, and ritualistic cannibalism, so why shouldn't Sookie?

Credit: HBO

Fairy Fetish

Remember when Sookie visited Fairy Land only to find out that her ancestors are a bunch of gap-toothed, human-harvesting goblins with ET fingers? Yeah, so they're back again. This time, fairies are getting a major makeover, which Andy and Jason witness first-hand when Judge Clements invites them to a party in the middle of a field. Yep, the very same field that Jessica frolicked in while high on fairy B.O.

Turns out Fairy Land has morphed into a burlesque show, complete with scantily clad dancers and nipple pasties. Basically, this is what we imagine Cher's live show in Las Vegas would be like on Mardi Gras.
 
Jason and Andy immediately get taken in by all the hot fairies, and Andy meets up with Morella, that random tutu-wearing sex addict who took his supernatural virginity in the middle of the forest. Meanwhile, Jason runs into his cousin Hadley, who reveals that fairies are hiding from the very same vampires that killed his parents. Whoa, there, what now? Didn't Sookie's parents died in a flood? Looks like we have a new mystery on our hands, y'all! Unfortunately, Jason can't play detective, because he and Andy are forced out of the club by some hotties in bowler hats, and they may or may not be blinded by the fairy light.

In other news, Terry is PTSDing all over the place, but what else is new? As he and Patrick drive around trying to find Heller, Terry flashes back to the Iraq war, where his unit accidentally kill a bunch of innocent civilians because they're all high as a kite. Clearly, the incident made Heller insane in the membrane, because he's currently living in a creepy lair — and he has Patrick and Terry held up at gunpoint!

Sigh, what is with this plotline? Someone better pop a fang erection soon.

Oh, and in more WTF magical mystery, Sam's shifter friends are desperate for him to run through the woods naked with them, but when he shows up at their house they've been shot in the heads. This is what happens when you spend your evenings trolling the woods naked. Just saying.

 


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