Things that popped up on this week's True Blood: Severed heads, severed hands, talking dolls, word-vomit, real-vomit, six-packs, smoke monsters, and Jason in a footed onesie. In other words, 100 percent truebie excellence. Pop open a bottle of B-Positive and enjoy, fang girls!
The Morning After
Let's talk about Alcide and Sookie's makeout session: It was everything we hoped it could be and more, including shirtless Alcide, shirtless Alcide, and even more shirtless Alcide! Unfortunately, Sookie ended up vomiting all over him before they could do it doggie style (literally), but hey — at least she got to gently stroke his six pack!
Speaking of Sookie, girlfriend is totally wasted (like, drunken hallucinations wasted), but she manages to sober up enough to unglamour Alcide's employee, Doug, who relives the night Russell was dug up. Doug remembers a mysterious lady with an Authority necklace rescuing Russell (who still looks like baby Lord Voldemort, just saying), so Sookie and her harem head to a derelict insane asylum to get their Scooby-Doo on.
Unfortunately, Bill and Eric only have until dawn to find Russell before their iStakes activate, which puts some strain on their budding bromance. Mostly because Bill thinks that Eric's sister-lover, Nora, is the one who saved Russell. But don't worry, Billric put their problems on the back burner just in time to find a severed hand, a pile of rat-covered bodies, some hanging humans, and — oh, Russell Edgington!
That's right, ladies who love ascots! Our favorite jodhpur-loving vamp is back and super, super thin. Someone's been on the Paleo diet!
In other news, Guardian Roman is stressin' about all the uprisings in The Authority, so he gathers a bunch of vamps from around the world to pray to Lilith's blood and sing kumbaya. Take that, Sanguinistas!
Midnight Snack Attack
Time for Bon Temps' sassiest vampire to make some ch-ch-ch-changes! Now that Tara's a blood-sucker, she better dress the part. Yep, the era of leather corsets is upon us, and Tara looks fangtastic … but that doesn't mean homegirl feel like she belongs. Tara's having an existential vampire crisis, and we expect her to write a poem any moment. Luckily, it looks like Jessica wants to be besties (what with them both being noobie vamps and all), but a certain someone is getting in the way of their bonding session: Hoyt "Mesh Shirts 4eva" Fortenberry.
Hoyt is desperate to be snacked on by a sexy lady, so he convinces Tara to take him to a bathroom stall and feed on his neck. Unfortunately, Jessica is busy feeding on some random blonde, and when she realizes that Hoyt's getting the life drained out of him by Tara, she whips her hair back and forth in a rage and throws Tara up against the bathroom wall. Damn you and your black nail polish, Hoyt, why must you come between these sista-friends?
In other news, it's time to check on Lafayette, because things are not looking good. And by "things," we definitely don't mean LaLa's outfit, which is amazing, as usual (note to self: buy puffy down vest).
Lafayette is super upset about his Brujo alter-ego trying to kill everyone, so he decides to light a smudge stick and chant at his collection of dolls. Obviously, they come to life and start mocking him, so Lala smashes them to pieces in a rage. Then, he takes a catnap, only to wake up to the image of Jesus' severed head talking to him through sewn-shut lips. And bonus — Lafayette's crazy mom also gets a visit from Jesus' head. Um, our eyes.
This is so not what we had in mind while praying for Jesus' resurrection.
The Smoke Monster
Truebies, prepare to stay up all night writing fanfiction, because things are about to get real. Last time we checked on Terry and Patrick, they were hanging out in Eller's basement being held at gunpoint. Well, it turns out Eller hasn't been lighting house fires and killing their war buddies after all. That would be the work of a smoke monster called Ifrit.
Turns out, one of the civilians whom Terry killed in Iraq cursed their unit to Death By Smoke Monster. Eller's wife and kids have already burned alive, which is why he's holed up in a fireproof basement trying to protect himself. Unfortunately, Patrick forces Terry to leave Eller behind because he's a total Smoke Monster buzzkill, and poor Ells gets suffocated monster-style. Basically, he did the monster mash and it was a graveyard smash.
But we have three questions: 1) When did Bon Temps turn into Lost? 2) Where are The Others? 3) Didn't Gandalf kill the Smoke Monster in the Mines of Moria?
Sigh, guess this will just have to remain a mystery until next week, because there are other important things at hand, like Jason and Andy's Fairy Fright Fest. Both these guys wake up completely naked after their trip to Fairy Land, and poor Jason has a terrifying dream, in which he's dressed in a superman onesie while having breakfast with his parents. Only, both his parents have vampire bites and his mom offers to give him a BJ. Welcome to the world of erotic True Blood fantasies, Jason. Get used to it.
But no time to dwell on Ghost Daddy's strange sex dreams — crimes need to be solved! Jason and Andy head to Susan and Emory's house, interview a traumatized Sam, and then realize that the happy couple were shot in the head with a wooden bullet. What gives?
Meanwhile, Sam shows up on Luna's doorstep to tell her about their dead shifter buddies, and she promptly kicks him out because Emma is a baby werewolf, which is so embarrassing.
As Sam leaves, a truck full of podunk townies rolls up, and you guys? So many things happen. Here's what goes down: Sam gets shot in the side for no apparent reason, Luna runs out to save him and also gets shot, Sam yells "Emmaaaaaaaa ruuuuuuuuun" in slow motion, and then Ems shifts into an adorable puppy and goes frolicking off into the great unknown.
In conclusion, Sam is maybe dead, Luna is probably dead, and Emma is an orphan dog-child.