The day we’ve been dreading has finally come, and we’re about to spiral down into a pit of Truebie despair. Our only friend is a box of tissues and our only comfort is the faint memory of snow sex.
If you missed the truly epic Season 4 finale of True Blood, re-live the drama with Wetpaint Entertainment’s fang-popping recap! Find out who died, who lived to see another bloody day, and who Sookie let into her booty shorts.
Trick or Treat!
It’s Samhain (aka Halloween), and Bon Temps is getting ready for a night full of spooky, scary fun! Sookie wakes up, makes coffee and immediately sees her Gran’s dead body splattered over her kitchen floor. Honestly, we don’t know why fairy princess is so shocked. It’s Halloween, after all.
Sookie tries to shake the memory of Gran’s bloody corpse, and heads down to Merlotte’s –– where Sam promptly makes her put on bunny ears. Nice try, Sookie, but Arlene’s daughter wins the costume contest hands down with her Jenelle from Teen Mom 2 outfit — complete with baby bump.
Sookie takes a break from work to chat with Alcide, who launches into an existential monologue about how they’re kindred spirits. We think he’s asking her out on a date, but who knows? Maybe he’s just propositioning her for a doggy style session in Sam’s trailer.
So how does Lafayarnie repay him? By stabbing him in the hand with an egg-covered fork. Hookah, nuh uh.
Lafayarnie ties Jesus to a chair, and they have an emotional conversation about their friendship which leads to a couple bitch slaps. Lafayette manages to take over his own bod for a few seconds and say hi to Jesus, but after Marnie threatens to cut out Lala’s eyeball she pretty much gets her way.
So what does girlfriend want? Jesus’ brujo magic. All of it.
Jesus creates a windstorm and vomits up his magical powers for Marnie, and to thank him for the trouble she goes ahead and stabs him to death. Let’s take a moment of silence for our fallen home boy.
Night of the Living Dead!
Unfortunately, Lafayarnie gets there first and has already stripped Bill and Eric of their clothes and chained them to a stake. Need we say it? Bromance alert!
Marnie’s like, “What goes around comes around, bitches” (her words), turns into a brujo and lights Bill and Eric on fire. Nooooo, not our Viking King!
Luckily, Sookie, Tara and Holly have been watching their fair share of Charmed, so they do a basic “Blessed Be” spell and manage to wake up Bon Temps entire cemetery –– including Antonia.
Antonia is way more chill and “make love not war” than when we last saw her, so she blows out Eric and Bill’s fire and tries to convince Marnie to leave Lafayette’s body.
Meanwhile, Ghost Gran comes over, reaches her arm down Lafayette’s throat and pulls Marnie out like she’s large and in charge.
The three of them have a deep conversation about the plight of being a misunderstood ghost, and then all the spirits go back from whence they came, leaving everyone else in a permanent state of WTF.
Later that night, Lafayette and Tara head to Sookie’s house for some much needed R&R, and Lala wakes up to find the world’s hottest male nurse watching over him. Welcome back from the beyond, Jay-Z!
Jesus tells Lala he’s forgiven, and then wanders off to ghost land. Why this dude didn’t just jump down Lafayette’s throat and live in his stomach for eternity, we’ll never know.
We know Tommy was a multi-murderer and pervert, but can’t the Bon Temps locals put their Halloween plans on hold and show a little respect? The only people who show up at Tommy’s funeral are Sam, Luna and Mrs. Fortenberry, who fondly remembers how Sam stole her jewelry and underwear during his transvestite phase.
Luna seems to have gotten past the fact that Sam helped murder her baby daddy, and they have a romantic make out session while Emma waits in the car, all “FML,” but then Sam gets a surprise from an unwelcome visitor –– an angry werewolf.
Could this be Ghost Marcus?
Meanwhile, the locals yokels are having their fair share of blasts from the past. Ghost Rene scares the sh*t out of Arlene by some garbage cans, Terry’s old war buddy (Scott Fowley) hits up Merlotte’s to rehash old times, and Andy shows up with some flowers for Holly. Awww, how adorable!
Speaking of adorable, Jason finally realizes that if he’s going to make a relationship with Jessica work, he has to confess his feelings to Hoyt. Unfortunately, Hoyt doesn’t take Jason’s betrayal nearly as well as we had hoped –– especially considering the fact that Jason describes his sex with Jessica in graphic detail (missionary, doggie and her on top, FYI) –– and proceeds to beat him to a pulp.
We’re just happy Hoyt didn’t saw off Jason’s penis with that enormous chain saw.
At nightfall, Jessica dresses up in some “Little Red Riding Hood meets 19th century village whore” outfit and wanders over to Jason’s house, where they have crazy, graphic Halloween sex on her red satin cape.
Jessica tells Jason that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and offers to be his pretend hooker instead. Too good to be truebie!
Once Jess leaves, Jason gets the surprise of his life when Reverend Steve Newlin shows up at the door! Sorry –– make that Vampire Reverend Steve Newlin. Dun Dun Dunnnn!
Hold onto your fangs, because you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! After his romantic proposition to Sookie, Alcide wanders over to some parking garage where he’s project manager, and finds a big hole in the cement filled with silver chains.
Welcome back, Russell Edgington!
Ding Dong, the Bitch Is Dead!
Pam is hysterical that Sookie and her “fairy vagina” stole Eric’s heart, and she thinks her vamp daddy has rejected her forever. Little does Pam know that Eric’s simply getting his bromance on with Bill.
That’s right, these two vamps change into matching bathrobes and simultaneously suck blood out of Sookie’s wrists to heal their burns. Is our fantasy threesome coming true? Unfortunately not.
When Bill and Eric are done eye-sexing each other, they’re like like, “Ah luhv you, Sookeh” and she promptly breaks up with both of them. Apparently, having two hot sex gods offer up their goods was just too much for this fairy princess to handle.
Guess she’ll have to settle for Alcide.
Once Sookie leaves, Nan shows up with some storm troopers to tell Eric and Bill that she’s been terminated from the Authority and the AVL. Nan’s mutinying against both committees and wants Bric (Bill + Eric) to join her –– or she’ll kill Sookie.
Wait, did she just threaten the Sookster? Time to die! Bill and Eric realize there’s no “i” in team and put their fangs together to kill Nan and her squad in revenge.
Team Bric forever!
Meanwhile, Sookie goes home to pout about her enviable love life, only to have Debbie wander in with a gun like a were bitch in heat.
Luckily, Tara ruses to the rescue and dives in front of Sookie, but she takes a bullet to the brain in the process!
As Tara lies in a pool of blood, Sookie shoots and kills Debbie, and then proceeds to scream and cry for help.
Is Tara really dead or will Bill and Eric save her? Has Russell Edgington escaped from his cement grave? Will Steve Newlin turn Jason into a vampire? Tune in next summer for an all new season of True Blood to find out –– and until then, check out Wetpaint Entertainment for up-to-the-minute spoilers, gossip and news!