Credit: Facebook

The promo for next week's episode of True Blood is a little over a minute of guns, Biblical hotties, and Bill's jazz hands. If you watched it and still can’t tell if Jason is a vampire — fear not. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

 
0:01 – Bill Tells Eric to Follow Lilith or Meet the True Death
Maybe Bill should quit being a "believer" and start being a Belieber like the rest of us.
 
0:07 – Sookie Goes on the Hunt, Wears Extremely Ugly Shirt
Forever 21 needs to take out a restraining order against her.

0:09 – Sookie Cocks a Giant Rifle at the Camera
Sigh, tapping into her inner murderess again.

0:15 – Random Blood Drips Down Disembodied Neck
We pity the HBO intern who had to deal with this hot mess.

0:17 – Jessica Yells at Someone, Looks Adorable While Doing So
We don't know what this girl did to deserve William as her dad.

0:18 – Bill Bares His Fangs at The Camera, Makes Us LOL
Ahh, Big Willy. Remember that time when you had sex with your granddaughter? So do we.

0:20 – Salome Looks Concerned
Probably realized she just fangbanged Bill.

0:21 – Lilith is Coated in Blood, Remains Naked
We have so many questions for this gal. Like, what's the deal with that talking bush?

0:25 – Bill Describes Himself as "The Chosen One"
Oh, girl. No. Just no.

0:30 – Lilith Asks Us to Drink Her
Sorry, we prefer our Biblical blood flavored "Eve."

0:31 – Lilith Presses Her Fingers Against Bill's Lips
Too traumatized to go in for lip-on-lip action, we assume.

0:32 – Russell Edgington Screams, "I Will Have A Son!"
Best. News. Ever.

0:41 – Sookie Grabs a Hand Gun...
Continues to terrorize innocent townies.

0:41 – Lafayette and His Doo-Rag Load a Rifle
Jeez, Lala, don’t you know? Guns don't kill people — Brujo horns kill people.

0:41 – Jessica and Jason Pass Out in a Grave
OMG, Baby Vamp alert! We repeat: Baby Vamp alert!

0:42 – Luna Is Behind Bars!
Uh oh, who did this girl turn into now?

0:42 – Alcide Aims a Gun at Someone Outside His Dad's Trailer
Dear lord, is his ‘80s self harassing him again? Leave modern-day Alcide alone, flashbacks!

0:43 – Eric Looks Completely Blazed
One too many V-bong hits.

 


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