Credit: HBO

The promo for True Blood’s Season 5 finale is 37 seconds of Bill being totally evil and traitorous, bloody binge drinking, terrible outfits (we’re looking at you, Sookie), and sexy-face. If you watched it and still have no idea what to expect in the finale — fear not. We’ve parsed through each millisecond of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

 
0:04 – Bon Temps’ Faerie Tribe Has a Mutual Light-Gasm With Russell 
Basically, their light entered him, and now he might be pregnant.
 
0:06 – Bill Purses His Lips Some More
At this point, we assume he's auditioning for America's Next Top Vampire Cycle 1.
 
0:07 – A Vampire SWAT Team Leaves The Authority
Aww, look at their jaunty berets! We officially forgive them for wanting to eat us.

0:08 – Jason Wanders Around in Goggles and a Beanie
You never know when a vampire might explode all over you.

0:09 – Eric Pops a Fang Erection at No One in Particular
Remains Swedish and sexy while doing so.

0:10 – JD Strings Up an Innocent Vampire
Bill, is that you? We hope so.

0:10 – Andy Looks Confused, Slightly Tearful
Still coming to terms with being a faerie baby daddy, we assume.

0:10 – Eric and Nora Perch in the Rafters
Much like our friend The Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

0:11 – Jessica Wanders Around Her Cell in a Funk
It's called time out, Jess. Get used to it.

0:11 – Alcide Morphs Into an Attack Dog
Hopefully loses his clothes in the process.

0:11 – Bill Stares Lovingly at His Hands
There is nothing to love about that pinkie ring, buddy.

0:12 – Pam Paces in Her Cell, Remains Fabulous
You'd think she'd be used to handcuffs after living above Eric's sex chamber.

0:14 – Jason Gets Gagged and Bound
Nooo! It's like his craziest erotic fantasies are coming true in the least sexy way ever!

0:18 – Roslyn Shows Off Her Fangs
They really bring a whole new meaning to the term "power suit."

0:24 – Eric Warns Bill That Lilith Is a "Mad God"
More like mad good! Can we get an amen?

0:26 – Bill Threatens to Eat Shirtless Sam
This is just like that time they shared a shower together, only more tragic.

0:29 – Salome Pounds Lilith's Blood
Someone needs to check this lady into AA for cannibals.

0:30 – The Faeries Turn Off Their ET Fingers, Might Have Killed Russell
Either that or he's about to kill them.

0:31 – Eric Screams Bill's Name In a Frenzy
Their love will never die.

0:34 – Jason Fires a Gun, Looks Handsome While Doing So
If this dude dies, we're gonna lose it.

 


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